We Hate Zombies

Title: Zombie Man (click to play)
Style: Top Down RPG
Source: ???

Unlike the usual games we’ve played, this one is unusual. Why? Because you play both a zombie and a human in the same game, and you do so quickly, easily, and with some considerable enjoyment.

What am I talking about? In this game, you start out as a human who can shoot a gun that turns any zombie it hits into a human. I guess it’s like a cure gun, which doesn’t exist but who cares. If you, instead, get attacked by a zombie without curing it, you become a zombie instead. Then, as a zombie you get points for attacking people and turning them also into zombies. Other humans help you, other zombies help you, etc. You get points depending on how you do.

Perhaps my favorite part was being a zombie, though I feel like a dirty whore saying it. As a zombie, you get to move faster and can mow through people like you’re going to town on a mound of cocaine. This was fun for me. It will probably be fun for you. The only annoying things are the man hole covers you can fall through and die immediately in. Who built that town anyway?

For those of you who turn the sound on, you’ll likely recognize some of the sounds from Starcraft. If the effects weren’t directly taken from the Zerg race, they must have been closely based on them. Anyway, the familiar noises brought back some good memories or some shit like that, which is to say I didn’t hate it and the man who made it. That’s a good thing.

Both challenging and alternately enjoyable as either type of character, I must say this was one of the more enjoyable games I’ve had a chance to uncover.

Game Score:

Graphics:		2.5
Sound:		2.5
Fun Factor:		4.5
Satisfaction:		3.5
Total:

Scenario:
Ah, the weekend. You and a friend decide to enjoy the weekend at the bar, but for some reason you forsake shooting tequila to spend time chatting it up with this very nice girl. One thing leads to another, and next thing you know your pure charm and good looks have landed you an invitation back to her place.

You’re high fiving your friend as you tell em to give you a call later. Then you head out with the girl on your arm and end up in her bedroom. That’s when things get kinky. She takes her top off, chains you to a bed, a slowly takes your shirt off. This is exactly when you hear a thud on the bedroom door, which slowly opens to a naked zombie, broken fingers and all, sizing you up like a hunk of man meat. The girl runs into her bathroom and locks the door, screaming, leaving you locked to a bed. What do you do?

What you should do:
First thing you have to learn is how to use the environment to your advantage. Second thing you have to learn is to evaluate the environment in the wink of an eye, or preferably as soon as you walk into a room, so it doesn’t take five minutes just to figure out what’s going on.

So the first thing you realize is that there’s a zombie at the door, you’re handcuffed to a solid oak wood headboard, and there’s a bedside table nearby with kinky stuff all over it. This lady was going to really give you a good time, but there’s no time to think about that now. You’ll need to buy yourself some time, so grab the comforter on the bed with your toes. When the zombie lunges for you, toss the comforter over its head so there’s a thick barrier between you and it. With any luck and ab strength, you might even be able to land the zombie underneath you.

Once the zombie is momentarily subdued, call out to the lady and beg her to unlock you. Don’t worry about hoping for her to do anything, she’s probably crazy already. Then, quick as you can, grab the KY Jelly from the table; she’s a kinky girl and that practically spells lube. I hope you aren’t missing any toes, because you’re going to need to squirt that stuff all over your wrist. Then pray to god she’s not a sadist and made the cuffs tight, cause you’re probably going through a world of hurt to pull hands out. If you succeed, might as well leave, but kill the zombie if you need to.

What I would do:
Oh sweet tiger paws, this is like a dream come true! Not only do I get to save the chick and be the hero, but I even get to avoid that whole awkward period afterward where it’s not clear if she just likes me for saving her life or if she’s really going to give me some. It’s almost like Christmas, except one where the world is ending.

When the zombie lunges at me, I’ll be ready with whatever long, pointed thing I can find lying on the table, likely a lamp. With a swift leg lift, I’d smash the lamp into the wall above my head, gloriously shattering glass and metal down my face while also making some sort of jagged weapon of sorts. Then, wielding my make-shift sword, I’d sweep my feet across the bed and slash the zombie across the throat. Of course, this wouldn’t sever it’s head, because it’s only a lamp, but there wouldn’t be much left but a flap o’ skin holding that bitch together. Then all it would take is a final throw to knock the croaks head right off. Bam, decapitated zombie.

After that I’d take a nap and wait for the woman to come back to bed with a peanut butter sandwich and make good on her innuendo.

Thanks to Brandon for submitting this scenario!

Title: Zombie Nightmare (click to play)
Style: RPG
Source: www.zombiegames.net

This game is a true nightmare. The graphics are bad, the sound is horrible, and the fun factor is not really much of a factor. In fact, I would say this is the worst zombie game I’ve played so far. I know it’s old and technology has grown up since then, but honestly. This game is not fun.

Don’t get me wrong though. I am not trying to disrespect the creator. It’s just that they made a sucky game that is short and not fun. Plus, their is an option to skip the zombie. WTF is that about. All that does is teach kids how to not get the job done. It would be like teaching a teenager how to put on a condom, but prefacing it all by telling them that if it doesn’t go on right away, just go ahead and fuck without it. It doesn’t work like that.

Have you ever felt a deep sense of regret? I have. Like when I clicked on Zombie Nightmare instead of Zombie Rampage, which looks like a badass game that I will definately have to review in the future. It’s also like that feeling you get when you eat at a buffet. You know, the one you get about six hours later when you are hungry again and you regret not eating more. It doesn’t matter how much I stuff myself, I always, always regret not eating more. DAMMIT!! Now I regret not eating more. Thanks Zombie Nightmare.

Game Score:

Graphics:		0
Sound:		0
Fun Factor:		0
Satisfaction:		-1
Total:

What this is all about:
There are very few times in the year when you can look “normal” while practicing for retaliation during the coming zombie invasion, and Halloween is easily the biggest of those times. After certain mishaps, Geoffrey and I discovered that we could avoid the typical Halloween “accidents” and “man-hunts” if we took out our zombie aggression on something almost as meaty and solid as the human head: a pumpkin. That’s why we started making zombie pumpkins, to express our hatred and zealotry on something other than 5-year olds in white makeup. Now you can to!

Getting started:
Find yourself a picture of a zombie online. Make it simple, preferably in black and white, and blow it up to a pretty big size that matches your pumpkin. Then you need to lay out your tools and everything else you’ll need. You can see here that I’ve already made my zombie stencil and taped it to the pumpkin. The tools I need are all on the table except the tequila, which is in my hand.

Applying the stencil:
After you have everything you need to get started, including a good buzz, use a sharp instrument (or tool provided) to outline the sections of your stencil onto the pumpkin. You can try cutting through the paper, but it will end horribly and people will laugh at you, so just outline the stencil with something sharp and then get rid of it. Make sure you outline enough of the sections that you can see where to cut and what to remove. Sometimes it can get a little ugly.

Carving it out:
You can use whatever you want for carving on the pumpkin. Good ideas include tools in carving kits, small screwdrivers, and butcher’s knives. Bad ideas include feet, empty bottles of tequila, and Chuck Norris. Now, depending on your stencil, you can either cut all the way through the pumpkin, or, as I did here, simply shave off the thick outer skin of the pumpkin. Light shines through either way, but you have more control with the latter method. The wall of the pumpkin will need to be thin for light to shine through brightly, so trim off extra pumpkin crap out from the inside.

Adding highlights:
What do you do when you want to add a little extra flair to the pumpkin? You could use makeup, feathers, perhaps pictures of naked women (or men), maybe even an ex-girlfriend. Or, in my case, you can just cut through the pumpkin completely. The holes will show more light than the skinless pulp, so they will appear much more prominently. Here I cut out the teeth and eyes because those are the most important parts of the zombie face. Can they see you and are they eating you?

Light ‘er up!
Use a light to check for consistency and to make touch-ups. Then put a big ass candle inside. And you’re done! Or whatever.

At last, retribution!
Commence your attack! Again, get the necessary materials, then do whatever the hell you want. Do notice how little fire effects the zombie skull. This is true to life, you can’t easily kill a zombie with fire.

Scenario:
It’s sometime in the morning and you wake up to the sound of something hitting the floor in your kitchen.  Sitting up in bed, you realize your signficant other is no longer present, the other side of the bed being cold enough to suggest they have been absent for some time now.  You look at the clock and realize it’s only 3:00 in the morning and you’re pissed to be awake, but in that sleepy kind of way that means you’re only mad enough to fall back asleep.  Then you hear something loud hit the ground again, and you realize that maybe something’s amiss.  You get up, walking quietly to the kitchen.  There you find blood all over the kitchen and a writhing body on the ground.  Zombies in the fucking morning, you gotta be kidding.  Then you realize that you recognize that walking carcass; in fact, you loved who that carcass used to be.  Something inside you stops working.  What do you do?

What you should do:
Realize one thing.  Once upon a time, there was a man who sang a song that suggested the truth behind making our existence both rewarding and purposeful was solely dependent upon the emotional connection shared with others in what we typically label as “love.”  Well, he was wrong, and he was wrong because he was dumb.  He didn’t know about the zombie threat, and what that zombie threat would mean.  Is that why he’s dead now?  I don’t know, but feel free to ask the jury once they come back in.

If all you needed was love, then I guess I’d recommend you kill yourself, because that bumbling flesh-pod doesn’t love you anymore.  But why would I recommend you kill yourself when there’s something better to give your life purpose and reward?  You don’t need love, you just need zombie-murder.  Mega-slam!  You see, now that your significant other has gone to the other side, you can freely swap out your previous sense of love with a fresh sense of unending vengence.  If you take a moment to think about it, you’ll realize it kind of has that new car smell to it, and I’m pretty sure you’ll find it both refreshing and invigorating.

But what am I talking about, really?  You’re probably saying to yourself, “Self, I wish I could make him stop skirting around what he’s really trying to say.”  Well, you could, if you ever left a comment, but who am I to place the blame on someone who may or may not be nonexistent?  Sadly, I digress.  

The point is that you have a job to do.  Your former-love has become unloved, and it’s up to you to seal the deal, by which I mean destroy their brain.  Grab a frying pan, for instance, and brutally bludgeon them until their skull has more cracks than a plumbers’ convention.  Sure, you could sit there and cry and weep over the death of a life you once happilly shared, or you could slip into denial and defenselessly think it’s just allergies, but that would be seriously dumb as hell.  I mean, it’s time to killa bitch.  Do it for you and the memory of them.

And once you’re done with that, upgrade your frying pan to a bigger frying pan and start cruising the streets.  There’s no way to know which zombie infected your beloved, so it’s up to you to take your crusade to each and every one of them.  I don’t know about you, but the last time my wallet was stolen, I derailed the subway train and set it on fire to get even.  Moral of the story?  The world is cruel, and zombies are cruel, and you don’t love zombies.  Unless by love, I mean kill, in which case you do.

What I would do:
I once heard that elves can die if their heart is broken.  I think that’s bullshit because elves don’t exist, but if elves did exist I would be glad that I wasn’t an elf.  Except it would be cool to see really far and shoot just about anything at all from anywhere in the world.  Of course I’m talking Lord of the Rings elves, not some other shitty kind of inferior elf that you might be thinking about.

Since I’m not an elf, I carry a bow and arrow around with me all the time.  Of course, it’s just one arrow, because I can shoot anything in the world with just one arrow and blow up an entire state.  Does that sound dangerous to you, or does it sound like pure genius?  I’m not sure either, but if you know me, then you know I like dangerous gibberish, and that’s god damn genius.  Pow! 

That’s the sound my arrow makes as it dives into the brain of the zombie that means nothing to me.  Zombies aren’t human.  That means I can kill zombies like rats, by which I mean stepping on their backs and popping off their heads.  Awesome!  Since zombies aren’t human and certainly aren’t any fun for anything but killing, I would have a lot of fun killing that undead bastard.  If this sounds harsh to you, then I’m not making myself clear enough.  The person I used to know is gone forever, and I’m not going to cry big puppy dog tears or whine about needing a cure.  Once a zombie, always a zombie, and to me that spells braincrusher.  Have a god damn good day you son of a bitch.