We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
Holy shit! You fell off the grid for over a month because you moved to Mon-fucking-tana (as your friend Daniel so delicately put it) and everything is unfamiliar. It is a true zombie survivalists nightmare because there is no escape plan. There is no safe fortress. Hell, there isn’t even a goddamn Steak-N-Shake in sight. In fact, you’ve just realized that there are mountains in every direction, making a quick escape unlikely. Then you hear it. The scrape of a bloody stump, flesh and bone, scraping across the sidewalk. Zombies. What do you do now?

What you should do:
Well, you’re boned. You’ve unknowingly moved into a giant bowl with side too steep to climb out of without the use of the interstate, which is closed by the way because of the 100 mile long line of cars going nowhere. It’s a buffet for zombies. The only chance you have comes from a movie widely regarded as the survival oasis of the new century.

The International features a scene where a world class assassin needs advice from some boy he is playing Go with. I believe the quote goes like this: “If there is no way out, find a way deeper in.” Because this makes more sense than the alphabet, I made it my mantra and so should you. Head into the heart of town, into the zombie jungle. There you will find safety.

This is what I like to call the Montana Paradox. You would think that getting out of town would be the best way to save your ass, but in this case it isn’t for you. You can find safety in the heart of zombie land. But how? Easy, head that way in your car because that side of the road will be empty of cars. Once you get to the heart of town, find a safe place to hide and pray that you don’t shit your pants. Zombies love the smell of soiled pants.

What I would do:
I would actually just drive on the wrong side of the road. I would drive to safety and then start a forest fire that would hopefully burn the entire place to the ground. Then I would rent a redbox at a Wal-Mart, grab a six pack of cold beer, pick up a forty oz for the road and have myself a good time in Wyoming. NOTE: Must stop at a Wal-Mart before Wyoming. There isn’t shit in Wyoming.