We Hate Zombies

Scenario:

Every now and then, something comes along that you don’t expect.  Sometimes, it’s a bad surprise from a ‘girl’ you picked up at the bar.  Sometimes it’s a bad phone call from the doctor after a recent rectal exam.  And sometimes, it’s your best friend and your wife.  But not all bad surprises deal with sex.  Sometimes, you find a life mate that you don’t feel horny about, but once you really get to know them, they aren’t the person you thought there were.

You are in the middle of a zombie apocalypse when you find someone who feels the same way you do.  They had all the right plans before the attack.  They had a secret fortress armed to the teeth.  They had it all but made the mistake of letting in a survivor who was infected.  From the inside of the fortress out, the base was destroyed.  He looked death straight in the face and smiled.  To get out alive, he had to lob off the head of his beautiful wife.  Fate, it seemed, brought you together.  But as time went on, you find out disturbing details.  He believes that there is a cure and that zombies can talk.  He also believes that killing a healthy human being because they are not diehard survivalists is worth it in the long run.  What do you do?

What you should do:

This type of situation is so dangerous to the survival of the human race, it places up high on the ZAC chart (Zombie Advisory Colors).  If you encounter someone like this, you are immediately upgraded to a Ornery Orange status, the second most serious.  These people are every bit as committed as you are, but with a few dangerous misconceptions.  They will try to save zombies if they think they can cure them.  They will kill survivors if they go too slow.  They will rise up against you if they feel that you are wrong, even when you are right.  There are three ways to deal with these people, and none of them are particularly good.

Option one, kick them out of your group.  This is a dangerous path to take because it could breed resentment in their eyes.  You will keep a valuable ally against zombies, but gain a terrible enemy over the long run.   They are certain to find survivors among their travels and could build a rival gang that could attack your group.  The probability of this is actually pretty high, given human nature.  Do not take this path lightly.

Option two, kill them.  I do not like the idea of dispatching a man as equally qualified to kill zombies as myself.  It would be a terrible loss for the human condition but a rival gang is not a pretty picture either.  But if it must be done, do it right.  Knowing this type of person, they can eat leather, shit vinegar and piss blood that smells like cherry starbursts, so you have to get the job done right.  Don’t forget to burn the body.

Option three, keep them in your group.  The Null Hypthesis is not rejected in this case and we will do nothing.  Again, this is dangerous because they could overtake your group and kick you out or kill you.  Remember, they are your nemesis and think a lot like you.  Tread lightly.

What I would do:

Have you ever heard of a frontal lobotomy?  Well, it basically consists of me sticking an ice pick through your eye socket or up your nose and poking your brain a little bit, damaging the frontal lobe.  What this does is take away a lot of your personality.  You would still have the same skills as before, but would have a decreased ability to demonstrate thoughts and feelings. 

The lesson I am trying to teach you is simple, I would pick option three and keep them in the group.  However, I would not be able to live with the risk this option presents and would be forced to give him a frontal lobotomy to ensure the safety of the group.  Plus, I would still have his skills.  The reaction speed would definitely lag behind, but it would be worth that sacrifice with proper planning of the troops on scouting missions.

Scenario:
It’s 10/31/2008. OMFG, it’s Halloween again!!! This is the single most dangerous holiday for all of mankind. It’s the one day in the year where you could be killed for simply dressing like a zombie but you could also save the world for simply dressing like a zombie. It doesn’t make any sense when you really try and wrap your meaty brain around it, but give it a shot anyway. And take a shot already, because it’s going to be one long day and I can’t have you freaking out on me. So, what are you going to do? Dress like a zombie and die or dress like a zombie and save the world? The choice is yours, but the outcome isn’t.

What you should do:
Never dress like a zombie if you are optimistic. There are a lot of reasons why this is the only option for you and they are all pretty obvious. I will now go over them with you in case you aren’t an “obvious” type of person (you should probably dress like a zombie if this is the case).

One, by not dressing like a zombie, you run a much lower chance of being mistaken for a zombie. This benefits you in that I will not automatically kill you. Matthew will not automatically kill you. The tens and twenties of people out there who are trained like we are will not automatically kill you. Plus, if the zombie apocalypse does come, you won’t be mistaken as a real zombie and killed by any of the gun-toting military/redneck people who have been waiting for a reason to open fire on the public. Does it scare you that the military thinks about that? Good. Fear keeps you sharp unless you are one of those pussies who caves in like a kid with polio. In that case, you are wearing a zombie costume I hope.

Two… Hmm. Nope, I guess that is the only reason to not wear a zombie costume.

If you are pessimistic, then wear the zombie costume. When the zombie apocalypse does come, you will be able to hide more effectively amongst the zombies so that they don’t attack you. By doing this, you may be able to bring down the zombie armies as part of the last resistance. Plus, I don’t want to hear all the bitching and whining when the apocalypse does come and you can’t watch your daily dose of Opera and Dr. Phil. It makes it easier for me to kill you and claim it was an accident by blaming it on all the LSD and the strobe lights.

What I would do:
Each and every year, Halloween comes and goes and the next morning I have this horrible feeling of regret and a terrible pounding in my head. No, I don’t get wasted and bang a fat chick, although that would bring a similar feeling to me, but not as severe. That would be all too simple. No, I fall victim to what we in the business call a “false positive”. This occurs when my IZRM goes off and some poor shmuck ends up dead because he was dressed up like a zombie a little too well. Usually this happens more than once. In fact, it happens so often that I get a headache from it all and I have this horrible feeling of regret. I don’t regret that I killed them, just that they weren’t zombies. Dang, now I feel a little down.

**Smacks himself in the face**

Anyway, each year, I put out a warning that the ZAC (zombie advisory color) has been upgraded to “yelling yellow”. Yelling yellow signifies to the public that they are in grave danger for two reasons: the chance for the zombie plague to spread quickly is at its peak and that they run the very real danger of suddenly dying because of a lack of bones, courtesy of me. The danger of zombies spreading out of control is so real because it will take a lot longer before anyone realizes what is happening. When one zombie tears into someone standing next to you on a regular day, you freak out. On Halloween, however, you laugh and play along by letting it tear into you. Soon, an entire party is full of zombies and nobody was even smart enough to call for help. Then an entire neighborhood, the city, the state and it goes from there. All without anyone bothering to ask the question, “Is this real or fake?” This is as real and serious as the Routan Boom. Watch out.