We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
Holy shit! You fell off the grid for over a month because you moved to Mon-fucking-tana (as your friend Daniel so delicately put it) and everything is unfamiliar. It is a true zombie survivalists nightmare because there is no escape plan. There is no safe fortress. Hell, there isn’t even a goddamn Steak-N-Shake in sight. In fact, you’ve just realized that there are mountains in every direction, making a quick escape unlikely. Then you hear it. The scrape of a bloody stump, flesh and bone, scraping across the sidewalk. Zombies. What do you do now?

What you should do:
Well, you’re boned. You’ve unknowingly moved into a giant bowl with side too steep to climb out of without the use of the interstate, which is closed by the way because of the 100 mile long line of cars going nowhere. It’s a buffet for zombies. The only chance you have comes from a movie widely regarded as the survival oasis of the new century.

The International features a scene where a world class assassin needs advice from some boy he is playing Go with. I believe the quote goes like this: “If there is no way out, find a way deeper in.” Because this makes more sense than the alphabet, I made it my mantra and so should you. Head into the heart of town, into the zombie jungle. There you will find safety.

This is what I like to call the Montana Paradox. You would think that getting out of town would be the best way to save your ass, but in this case it isn’t for you. You can find safety in the heart of zombie land. But how? Easy, head that way in your car because that side of the road will be empty of cars. Once you get to the heart of town, find a safe place to hide and pray that you don’t shit your pants. Zombies love the smell of soiled pants.

What I would do:
I would actually just drive on the wrong side of the road. I would drive to safety and then start a forest fire that would hopefully burn the entire place to the ground. Then I would rent a redbox at a Wal-Mart, grab a six pack of cold beer, pick up a forty oz for the road and have myself a good time in Wyoming. NOTE: Must stop at a Wal-Mart before Wyoming. There isn’t shit in Wyoming.

Scenario:
You standing inside of a Wal-Mart near home inside of aisle 11, the pet food aisle. You’re scooping dog food into your mouth, not because you like it but because you love it. It’s all fun and games until the secure people come to kick you out and one of them loses their lunch. Not because of the sight either, but because of the smell. But that doesn’t bother you. Dog food is delicious and it is nutritious too. As the kick you out the door, you see a zombie stumbling toward the building. It comes up behind a woman loading her trunk and just takes a huge bite out of her neck. What do you do?

What you should do:
Wipe the dog food from your face. I appreciate the effort to prepare but most people will only see craziness. Once that is done and you’ve licked your fingers, move quickly for a cart. Despite their ordinary, everyday appearance, shopping carts are extremely strong. If you can pin down the zombie and possibly cover it with a cart-hat, you may be able to trap it temporarily. This should give you enough time to get help from one of the rednecks with a rifle in their truck’s back window. Dispatch the zombie and get on with life (dog food).

If the unthinkable happens and there is no cart in sight (this is literally impossible), then you have to get the attention of the civilians that are still driving. They have large weapons of nearly mass destruction at their fingertips, if they so choose to use them. They can take out the zombie threat and the zombie attackee which will soon be yet another threat.

If that is not an option either, then you must use the greeter as bait. They don’t know any better and they are already almost dead. Using them as bait will slow down any zombie invasion until you can get a crossbow from the sporting goods section and destroy their brains. It’s the only way. Dog food tastes good.

What I would do:
Being a master of earth and wind, I would take the asphalt and wrap the zombie and its prey up in it. The trick is keeping the rest of the civilians out of the chaos. Now, I’ve never personally been a man that dealt with tricks, so all I can say is that I’d do my best. That’s always how I knew my mom thought I was a failure…

An asphalt and zombie burrito. **Shudders** I’ll never look at burritos the same. All of that red sauce. All of that zombie infected red sauce…