We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
You are walking around at work and something doesn’t seem right. All day you have had this nagging feeling in the seat of your pants that something has gone wrong, but for the love of jelly donuts you can’t figure it out. You are wearing everything you are supposed to be wearing. You ate the same old breakfast that you always eat. There are no important deadlines that you forgot about and that cute girl across the hall still ignores you. On the surface, everything seems fine, but it isn’t. Throughout the day, the feeling got worse and worse until you finally figured it out. You shouldn’t have eaten all of those spicy hot wings last night. The crap you took this morning was so hot it chapped your ass. You’ve got a chapped ass that has been rubbed so raw that even your cubicle mate can smell the burnt hair. It hurts so bad you can barely walk, let alone fight the horde of zombies standing at the end of the walkway. What do you do?

What you should do:
This is a dire situation that screams only one thing: temporary fix. You have got to burst some blood blisters and haul your bleeding ass to the bathroom which is right in the middle of you and those dirty zombies. Not only do you have to run, you’ve got to sprint because these guys mean business. If you have it handily available, steal the mail cart and surf your way to luxury.

Once you are inside the bathroom, pull down the pants (regardless of who is there) and lube up those butt cheeks with some soap. It won’t be pretty in the morning, but it should give you enough freedom of motion to get you through the day and fight your way back down to the bus stop. If you are lucky and it exists, opt for the hand lotion. It is less likely to dry up, dry you out, or lather. Lather is not your friend today.

After thoroughly, and I do mean thoroughly, greasing up the works, waste no time in dispatching the zombies. There are plenty of office supplies that would work as weapons. Staplers, keyboards, clipboards, bats, snow globes… The list is endless.

What I would do:
I try to always keep a bottle of baby powder within reach whenever possible. And I don’t get the cheap stuff either. I have to go with the Johnson’s baby powder, pure cornstarch with aloe and vitamin E. Not only does it provide instant relieve with a touch of a cool summer breeze, but it also helps me kill zombies. I wouldn’t even mess with going to the bathroom. I would just drop trouser right in the middle of everyone which does a few great things. It saves time so that I can kill zombies better. It helps me get a date next Saturday. It even gets me a free pass in the lunch line. Who can argue with those results?