We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
You live in the middle of the United States and its freaking cold outside. Seriously, it is like, 30 something outside all the time now and it was just 90 a few weeks ago. WTF is that all about anyway? I want some goddamn answers here. I am tired of playing by the Man’s rules and I want it to be warm and pleasant. Cough, Cough. Sorry, sometimes I get a little pissed off about how cold it is and how much I hate it. Anyway, its cold as week old shit and you are in the middle of a fucking zombie apocalypse. You are in a mall and are about to head out into the world on foot because the world ran out of gas. What do you do?

What you should do:
Make a list of important things that you need to have with you at all times. This is important because you are only going to have things with you at all times, nothing more and nothing less. There is no vehicle to help carry stuff and you need to survive long enough to reach warmer climates. Making a list will help eliminate emotion and maximize logic in what you take and what you don’t.

The obvious things on the lists are warm clothes. No, you don’t need more than one change of clothes so don’t even think about it. You need to make sure you have a couple of pairs of socks so that you can keep your feet warm and dry. This is important because Bear Grylls says so. Also, make sure you have a hat or some sort to keep your head warm. You will lose most of your body heat through your head, so stock up.

Once you have that figured out, work on the essentials. Don’t stock up on canned food and water like a moron. Get a map of the area so that you know where to find water and pick up some supplies to obtain your own food and cook it. I would suggest checking with anyone in the mall who is homeless. They know what you need to survive. A cooking tin, a pocket knife, some flint and a compass would be a great way to start. These are all very useful tools in the wild.

Once that is all said and done, get something good to eat and stuff yourself. It may be a few days before you can stop and set up a camp and have a nice meal. I would recommend taking some bread and cheese with you on your trip solely because it will stay edible for a long time and it will provide you with some carbs, fats, and proteins which are all necessary to stay not dead. Plus, it is simple and quick to prepare and it doesn’t weigh a lot like canned foods do.

What I would do:
Have you ever seen the movie Tremors? Well, that movie was based on my ability to tunnel through the ground like it was salt water. Being that this is completely true, I would simply bore into the earth where it is slightly warmer and tunnel my way to Florida. This would only take me a few days because I can move at a constant speed of 30 mph for about a month without stopping. I’m sure glad zombies can’t do that.

What this is all about:
There are very few times in the year when you can look “normal” while practicing for retaliation during the coming zombie invasion, and Halloween is easily the biggest of those times. After certain mishaps, Geoffrey and I discovered that we could avoid the typical Halloween “accidents” and “man-hunts” if we took out our zombie aggression on something almost as meaty and solid as the human head: a pumpkin. That’s why we started making zombie pumpkins, to express our hatred and zealotry on something other than 5-year olds in white makeup. Now you can to!

Getting started:
Find yourself a picture of a zombie online. Make it simple, preferably in black and white, and blow it up to a pretty big size that matches your pumpkin. Then you need to lay out your tools and everything else you’ll need. You can see here that I’ve already made my zombie stencil and taped it to the pumpkin. The tools I need are all on the table except the tequila, which is in my hand.

Applying the stencil:
After you have everything you need to get started, including a good buzz, use a sharp instrument (or tool provided) to outline the sections of your stencil onto the pumpkin. You can try cutting through the paper, but it will end horribly and people will laugh at you, so just outline the stencil with something sharp and then get rid of it. Make sure you outline enough of the sections that you can see where to cut and what to remove. Sometimes it can get a little ugly.

Carving it out:
You can use whatever you want for carving on the pumpkin. Good ideas include tools in carving kits, small screwdrivers, and butcher’s knives. Bad ideas include feet, empty bottles of tequila, and Chuck Norris. Now, depending on your stencil, you can either cut all the way through the pumpkin, or, as I did here, simply shave off the thick outer skin of the pumpkin. Light shines through either way, but you have more control with the latter method. The wall of the pumpkin will need to be thin for light to shine through brightly, so trim off extra pumpkin crap out from the inside.

Adding highlights:
What do you do when you want to add a little extra flair to the pumpkin? You could use makeup, feathers, perhaps pictures of naked women (or men), maybe even an ex-girlfriend. Or, in my case, you can just cut through the pumpkin completely. The holes will show more light than the skinless pulp, so they will appear much more prominently. Here I cut out the teeth and eyes because those are the most important parts of the zombie face. Can they see you and are they eating you?

Light ‘er up!
Use a light to check for consistency and to make touch-ups. Then put a big ass candle inside. And you’re done! Or whatever.

At last, retribution!
Commence your attack! Again, get the necessary materials, then do whatever the hell you want. Do notice how little fire effects the zombie skull. This is true to life, you can’t easily kill a zombie with fire.