We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
Christmas shopping is something some people make an art of.  Other people could care less about art and wait to buy the crap they give to others the day before it’s due.  In fact, that’s most people, and because of this the malls are full of shoppers running like they’re three hours late for school and they missed the bus.  Some people are crying, some people had to settle for canned brussel sprouts, and some people just look sad and confused.  Ah, now that’s Christmas spirit right there.

Well, you thought you had all your bases covered, that is until someone reminded you of a distant relative who never shows up for Christmas but is going to show up this year.  Now you have to scramble to buy whatever’s left on the shelves and you find yourself surrounded by mobs of poo laden people in the mall.  Of course zombies would hit then, in the mall.  So cliche, but still.  What do you do?

What you should do:
If you haven’t yet, I would recommend you go out right now and rent both ‘Dawn of the Dead’ movies and watch them in their entirety whilst taking notes and shooting jello shots.  This is my normal routine for any given night, which is why this question seems kind of absurd to me.  I could resolve this scenario in a drunken stupor, but I digress.

If you’ve missed the movies so far, you’re sadly equipped to handle this situation, but there’s still hope.  As always you can find the nearest sporting goods store and convince some people to help you make a stand against the waves of the undead.  This is probably a good idea, but you have to get people’s trust and obedience quickly at a time when people are already freaking out about the holidays and will be even more freaking out when they see the dead latching on to someone’s neck.

People would freak the shit out.  Some would still be trying to keep track of their packages, figuring they had to fight for them against the living, they’re sure as hell not going to give them up without a fight against the dead.  Admirable, perhaps, but foolish, unless those gifts happen to be of the kind that shoot hot metal.

If you don’t know where the sporting goods are, your next best bet is to run orthogonal to the flow of people.  The people will most likely be running from zombies but also will be piling up in a massive heap at the exits.  These massive heaps are a bad place to be since zombies love to jump on the pile.  Also, if zombies are inside, chances are good zombies are outside, so people will be trying to get in as much as out.  That is bad news, so go sideways in the direction people are not going, then find a store with a maintenance exit, loading dock, etc.  Every store has some back way out.

What I would do:
I never ask myself why I get drunk and wander into malls, but it happens sometimes.  I get thrown out sometimes too, but there’s a high turn over rate of security guards so it doesn’t really matter.  Nonetheless, I could resolve this scenario in a drunken stuper.

So the zombies are wandering around the mall in that kind of slow gait they have.  I’m not particularly threatened by them, so I hijack one of those golf carts security people usually drive me out in and take off.  I stay near the middle of the lanes so people can jump out of the way to either side, but also so that zombies can’t jump out from behind something and immediately be a threat.  With my little buggy of doom, I’d head off to the sporting equipment place.  I know where it is, just like I know where Victoria’s Secret is, and there I load up on weapons of the usual sort.  Also, I get a high power spotlight.

Then it’s just like my annual deer hunting trips.  Shine a light in their eyes, then shoot, then repeat.  It’s pretty straightforward really.  After a while I’d probably get bored or overrun, at which point I would make my escape, probably through a vent in the ceiling but maybe out a back door if I still felt I could walk into a store without something jumping on me from behind a corner.

Also, I wasn’t at the mall to get gifts.  I bought them online just to avoid any kind of zombie threat.  Zombies don’t ruin Christmas, people acting dumb ruins Christmas.