We Hate Zombies

Scenario:

Every now and then, something comes along that you don’t expect.  Sometimes, it’s a bad surprise from a ‘girl’ you picked up at the bar.  Sometimes it’s a bad phone call from the doctor after a recent rectal exam.  And sometimes, it’s your best friend and your wife.  But not all bad surprises deal with sex.  Sometimes, you find a life mate that you don’t feel horny about, but once you really get to know them, they aren’t the person you thought there were.

You are in the middle of a zombie apocalypse when you find someone who feels the same way you do.  They had all the right plans before the attack.  They had a secret fortress armed to the teeth.  They had it all but made the mistake of letting in a survivor who was infected.  From the inside of the fortress out, the base was destroyed.  He looked death straight in the face and smiled.  To get out alive, he had to lob off the head of his beautiful wife.  Fate, it seemed, brought you together.  But as time went on, you find out disturbing details.  He believes that there is a cure and that zombies can talk.  He also believes that killing a healthy human being because they are not diehard survivalists is worth it in the long run.  What do you do?

What you should do:

This type of situation is so dangerous to the survival of the human race, it places up high on the ZAC chart (Zombie Advisory Colors).  If you encounter someone like this, you are immediately upgraded to a Ornery Orange status, the second most serious.  These people are every bit as committed as you are, but with a few dangerous misconceptions.  They will try to save zombies if they think they can cure them.  They will kill survivors if they go too slow.  They will rise up against you if they feel that you are wrong, even when you are right.  There are three ways to deal with these people, and none of them are particularly good.

Option one, kick them out of your group.  This is a dangerous path to take because it could breed resentment in their eyes.  You will keep a valuable ally against zombies, but gain a terrible enemy over the long run.   They are certain to find survivors among their travels and could build a rival gang that could attack your group.  The probability of this is actually pretty high, given human nature.  Do not take this path lightly.

Option two, kill them.  I do not like the idea of dispatching a man as equally qualified to kill zombies as myself.  It would be a terrible loss for the human condition but a rival gang is not a pretty picture either.  But if it must be done, do it right.  Knowing this type of person, they can eat leather, shit vinegar and piss blood that smells like cherry starbursts, so you have to get the job done right.  Don’t forget to burn the body.

Option three, keep them in your group.  The Null Hypthesis is not rejected in this case and we will do nothing.  Again, this is dangerous because they could overtake your group and kick you out or kill you.  Remember, they are your nemesis and think a lot like you.  Tread lightly.

What I would do:

Have you ever heard of a frontal lobotomy?  Well, it basically consists of me sticking an ice pick through your eye socket or up your nose and poking your brain a little bit, damaging the frontal lobe.  What this does is take away a lot of your personality.  You would still have the same skills as before, but would have a decreased ability to demonstrate thoughts and feelings. 

The lesson I am trying to teach you is simple, I would pick option three and keep them in the group.  However, I would not be able to live with the risk this option presents and would be forced to give him a frontal lobotomy to ensure the safety of the group.  Plus, I would still have his skills.  The reaction speed would definitely lag behind, but it would be worth that sacrifice with proper planning of the troops on scouting missions.