We Hate Zombies

Title: Zombie Nightmare (click to play)
Style: RPG
Source: www.zombiegames.net

This game is a true nightmare. The graphics are bad, the sound is horrible, and the fun factor is not really much of a factor. In fact, I would say this is the worst zombie game I’ve played so far. I know it’s old and technology has grown up since then, but honestly. This game is not fun.

Don’t get me wrong though. I am not trying to disrespect the creator. It’s just that they made a sucky game that is short and not fun. Plus, their is an option to skip the zombie. WTF is that about. All that does is teach kids how to not get the job done. It would be like teaching a teenager how to put on a condom, but prefacing it all by telling them that if it doesn’t go on right away, just go ahead and fuck without it. It doesn’t work like that.

Have you ever felt a deep sense of regret? I have. Like when I clicked on Zombie Nightmare instead of Zombie Rampage, which looks like a badass game that I will definately have to review in the future. It’s also like that feeling you get when you eat at a buffet. You know, the one you get about six hours later when you are hungry again and you regret not eating more. It doesn’t matter how much I stuff myself, I always, always regret not eating more. DAMMIT!! Now I regret not eating more. Thanks Zombie Nightmare.

Game Score:

Graphics:		0
Sound:		0
Fun Factor:		0
Satisfaction:		-1
Total:

Title: Boxhead Halloween (click to play)
Style: 3rd Person Shooter
Source: www.zombiegames.net

What can I say about this game? Well, to start I will go ahead and explain what it is about. Basically, you are a boxhead who is trying to rescue other boxheads from boxhead zombies. There is no story behind it and there is not much hiding under the surface. Just boxheads saving boxheads. You do get a few choice weapons which are fun to shoot boxhead zombies with, but really don’t add much to the strategy of the game.

Shooting zombies is not a lot of fun in this game if I am going to be really honest. Line up and fire. The different guns don’t really add a lot of depth, as I mentioned earlier. The zombies just die after getting shot a few times and all is well.

As for the survivors. I wouldn’t save them in real life. The AI is pretty terrible which is to be expected from a flash game on the internet, but when it directly affects the outcome of the game, it pisses me off. While they are easy to spot on the radar and fun to watch get lost and whatnot, it pisses me off when they run straight into a freaking zombie. In real life, I’d just waste them both, but the game relies on you saving the bastards and wasting them is not an option.

Overall, the box heads are funny looking and all, but I was underwhelmed.

Game Score:

Graphics:		3
Sound:		?
Fun Factor:		1
Satisfaction:		1
Total:

Another Wednesday is upon us and another rousing game of zombie games has come and gone for me. This week I wanted to find something that didn’t take any real skill or brainpower to play, as if mindlessly killing hordes of zombies (in a flash video game) takes brains, to appease my appetite. In my search, I stumbled upon a little game called Zombie Golf Riot.

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Title: Zombie Golf Riot (click to play)
Style: Side Scroller (I guess)
Source: KewlGames.com

The style of this game is simple, ripoff. I recognize the underlying skeleton of the game immediately because when I was still in college (ahhh… those were the days) I played this game where you get to shoot a cat out of a cannon. If you were lucky, the cat would hit explosions and such that would catapult it further down the field. I spent many hours hitting spacebar and launching pussy after pussy with my huge cannon. But that was then and this is now.
Zombie Golf Riot is essentially the same game. You take the patron’s “Babe Ruth” aiming capabilities to the max (which is my clever way of saying that if you point straight up, you get the best distance which makes no sense at all). Then you swing a chainsaw at a zombie who is desperately clawing its way up the car you’re standing on trying to get you. When you swing, the head flies off with ease and goes sailing down the street toward the pin. I would love to explain what this pin is, but alas, I never found it. It is 2000 feet away and I only managed 1637. If anyone can tell me what the pin is or what happens when you reach it, I’d love to know.

All along the street are random things to help or hinder the progress of the zombie head. There are boxes of TNT that can give you a good bit of extra airtime. There are zombie corpses that can help a little (and give you a “belly bounce” bonus). There are stop signs and pitch forks that stop you dead in your tracks (pun intended) but they do give you a 75 foot splat bonus. If you get (un)lucky enough to hit one of the stop signs or pitch forks before the head gets a bounce, you get an insta-splat bonus which adds 200 feet.

The graphics are pretty simple although they do pile up the zombie bodies if you play a while, the blood smears from bouncing heads stays and the various heads are also present on the street as you play on, which is kind of a nice touch. The sound is annoying as hell and I had to mute the damn game after about 3 swings. I have to admit though, I am kind of addicted. Just like the cat game, I can’t get enough.

Game Score:

Graphics:		3
Sound:		1
Fun Factor:		4
Satisfaction:		4
Total:

This is the second posting in a new segment to the blog that applies our expertise in survival and zombie destruction to zombie games found lurking throughout the web. There are times when we become so enraged by the thought of zombies (because we hate em so much) that we have to find some sort of outlet, and there’s no better way to take out zombie-rage like playing a good game (with alcohol and a loaded gun). Also, zombie games usually involve killing zombies, and that’s good practice. Thing is, some of them suck and we end up breaking something, so listen to us as we share which games we think are great and which wouldn’t stop the rage if they injected you with a Valium cocktail.

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Title: ZombieHole (click to play)
Style: Aerial Explorer
Source: ArcadeBombs.com

In this game, someone somewhere let’s loose a chamber full of zombies that were apparently locked up for some reason instead of being killed.  I’m not sure why someone would lock up zombies instead of killing them, unless they happened to hate someone else more than they hated zombies and wanted to feed said person to said zombies.  I don’t know, I don’t understand, let’s move on.  The zombies that were released start to roam around eating people and making more zombies, as those zombie bastards have been known to do.  You play some bad ass wearing sun glasses at night that has some sort of infatuation with a guy known as ‘The Professor.’  Your first quest, at least, is to save this guy, then maybe bone him.

Let’s get the good stuff out of the way first, because this game is mostly full of bad stuff.  When you’re playing the game, you get to wander around, and it turns out the game actually looks pretty good.  The player and the zombies are animated and when you shoot a zombie, there is actually blood splatter in the direction of the bullets.  I think that’s a great feat for whoever designed the game.  The sound is decently not annoying, which is a plus, but there’s no orchestra in this game.  The dialog in the game is strictly on-screen captions, which is good because there’d be no better way to capture such legendary lines as “ok…ready to war baby!” or “so many stone on the street…arrg!” in any spoken tongue that I know of.

Something that’s even cooler than blood splatter is the fact that zombies can be dismembered before they die, occasionally losing a head or arm or leg or some unidentified internal organ.  I like playing with my prey when it’s a zombie.  But perhaps my favorite thing about this game is that the screen shakes when you shoot a weapon; while it might get annoying after a while, it really feels like my bullets pack a punch when the kick back alters my entire perception of reality.  Cool.

Now the bad parts.  Maybe it’s my piece of shit computer, maybe it’s the latest version of Flash, but this game ran really slow for me.  In fact, at the end of the second level it ran so slow that I had to quit, drive to the library, kick a homeless man off his pay-for-porn site, and try it again.  It was so painfully slow that I no longer had fun shooting zombies, which brings me to another point.

It takes a lot of shots to kill a zombie, and if you knock its head off it still attacks you, like murdering the brain doesn’t kill the beast.  That’s fine with a pistol, taking three shots for each of the twenty or so zombies in each level makes sense because you have to start somewhere, but you get a shotgun in the first level and it takes two shots to kill one zombie.  Two-fucking-shots.  What the hell?  My shotgun doesn’t do that.  My shotgun destroys with enough overkill to slaughter a bison, sometimes without me even pulling the trigger.  Well, maybe it would be understandable if those two shots had a wide range or went through the initial target, but they didn’t.  They stopped there, on that first zombie, and totally pissed me off.

Well, whatever, there are better guns later in the game.  Except that the zombies kick your ass when they touch you (as they should), and when you die your body explodes and you have to start completely over at the beginning of the game.  Except from the body exploding, it’s true that there are no restarts in life, and it only takes one bite to spell your doom, but come on.  This is a freaking game for fun and enjoyment, and I would never walk around with a sawed-off turd running blindly into rooms surrounded by zombie teeth.  I never made it past the third level, but if you do, let me know if there’s something worth-while.  (Like a better gun).

Game Score:

Graphics:		4
Sound:		2.5
Fun Factor:		1
Satisfaction:		-1
Total:

We have decided to start a new segment to the blog that applies our expertise in survival and zombie destruction to zombie games found lurking throughout the web. There are times when we become so enraged by the thought of zombies (because we hate em so much) that we have to find some sort of outlet, and there’s no better way to take out zombie-rage like playing a good game (with alcohol and a loaded gun). Also, zombie games usually involve killing zombies, and that’s good practice. Thing is, some of them suck and we end up breaking something, so listen to us as we share which games we think are great and which wouldn’t stop the rage if they injected you with a Valium cocktail.

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Title: ZombieLand - Bonesnap Blvd (click to play)
Style: Side Scroller
Source: Fukgames.com

The basic premise of this game is typical. Kill zombies. This is a side scroller, which means the screen moves from left to right at an even pace while you try and dispatch as many zombies along the way as you can. You start off with a nerf weapon but can upgrade to a shotgun (awesome), a saw (sweetness), or a flame thrower (it basically shoots fireballs that explode). If there are more weapons, I didn’t get any. Collect weapons by running your skateboard (wtf) over wooden crates. Collect hearts by running over vials or something. They actually remind me of those plastic bottles that banks use in their drive-thru areas. Weapons run on a time limit and appear to not have an ammo limit. As you kill zombies, you level up. As you level up, there are more enemies and more types that differ in strength. Get too close and they bite down on you and steal a heart. The game ends when you have no hearts left.  Blah blah blah… typical.

First, the shiny spots. The saw blade is an amazing weapon that lets you destroy the enemy by slicing them up as you skate by (gratifying!). But the most beautiful weapon of the game is actually a car. You can drive the car by picking up a key. The best way to describe it would be a car with a rotating blade on the front, not unlike a combine. It doesn’t last long, but you can do some serious damage. I need to rethink the grill on my Saturn. PS, this does not include the treacherous granny car.

The dirty spots are numerous. Being a side scroller with a character that is slow means that zombies go by unhurt. This is unacceptable. Also, one bite does not mean death which may instill a false sense of security to the more ignorant players. Zombie bites kill. They don’t just harm. They kill you dead. Also, there is an insane granny that drives through town, apparently unable to hit any zombies but very capable of hitting a boy on a skateboard. I know old people are a liability, but good lord. Finally, the sound. Whatever shitty music is playing in the background makes me want to hurl. It is annoying and it repeats.

Another thing that I hated about the game was the weapon system. It is purely time based instead of ammo based. This limits the amount of skill you can develope during the game. What is the point of being able to blast 2 zombies with one shotgun shell if you only get to keep the damn thing for five seconds. Good lord that is upsetting. On top of it all, I never beat the damn thing which means that I never save the world. I almost want to step in front of a granny car now.

Game Score:

Graphics:		3
Sound:		1
Fun Factor:		4
Satisfaction:		2
Total: