We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
Do you know what happens every four years in this country? Certainly not the World Cup! No, it’s the Presidential elections! This is a serious time for zombie-survivalists because the elected President will be in charge of preparing the nation against the threat of zombie invasions world-wide. The President’s policies could make the difference between eternal apocalypse and everlasting glory, and it’s up to you as a good citizen to make sure you know which candidate is the best for the job.

Unfortunately, no candidate likes to talk about their zombie contingency plans, so you decide to go to a campaign rally and ask in person. You get up real close to the front, so they can hear you, and just as you’re about to ask, you see what you figured you would see and realize that it’s too late and the country isn’t prepared because the current President didn’t do a very good job of many things. Zombies, of course, eating away at the edges of the crowd you’re in the middle of. What do you do?

What you should do:
Well, you should have brought some damn weapons, but either they checked for those at the door or you forgot or who knows what the hell. If you have weapons, you still have your work cut out for you because there will soon be zombies all around you. Depending on your weapon, I would suggest frightening those nearby so they give you space, then try and cut a path away from the nearest zombies. Keep in mind that certain candidates have certain kinds of protection that might shoot you in the head if they see you with a weapon before they know what’s going on, so keep that in mind less you want to die young.

Now, if you don’t have weapons, you still have a couple options. For instance, you could attempt to hide under the podium/stage, gambling that the zombies will chase people fleeing for their lives and leave you enough room to make a quiet exit. You should not, however, get up on the stage unless you are following the candidate through a secure back exit, acting like everyone showed up just to hear you speak, or sniping zombies from above the crowd. Which makes me want to point out that every candidate will always have a secure back exit, and even though you may not immediately be allowed to go down that exit, it will quickly be cleared once the poo hits the house.

Once outside, do whatever you do best, which I hope is killing zombies (as opposed to calling your mom).

What I would do:
Do you know what security guards generally don’t consider weapons? Energy drinks and chairs. Every campaign rally of any size always has some kind of portable chair because the stage is in the middle of the stands and the candidates need to have normal, every-day kinds of people sitting real close so the cameras can get some footage of the politician being down amongst the people. Then it starts to get hot under the lights and all the people breathing hard and some people start to sweat and hallucinate and get a little light headed and then they maybe hear screams and start slamming down cans of highly-caffinated liquid sugar like there’s a run on the bank and then they stand up and reach for their chair and black out and the next thing you know the IZRM¹ wears off and it’s very quiet.

What was I saying? Oh, yeah. Not many people know this, but I have two dogs. One is a tank covered with a dog chassis and the other is some breed of tangible lightning. I can call on them from anywhere in the world and they will magically appear at my side to assist me. When the zombies start to attack, I send out a subsonic whistle that penetrates the earth and calls the war-hounds to my side (sometimes other dogs too). Then I order the tank-dog to blow through the water main and the nearby water pipes until the whole area is covered in water. This gives lightning dog the opportunity to work some white fire into the mix, electrocuting everyone too stupid to get out of the wetness (which would be all the zombies). After enough electricity, the zombies’ charred remains will eventually degenerate into ash and crisps, completely safe to wash a baby in.

Also, I have a shotgun, and no one has yet taken that away from me.

¹Instinctual Zombie Response Mechanism, basically a self-defense response to zombie or zombie-like threats. Just FYI in case you haven’t heard.