We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
You’re mowing the lawn and loving every minute of it. You’ve got the old push mower out, the iPod in your hand, and those green stained tennis shoes that don’t get used for much else. The smell of cut grass fills your nostrils. The sun is hot but the beer is cold. Unfortunately for you, the lawn mower is loud and you can’t hear the zombie that is coming up behind you. What do you do?

What you should do:
If I were you, a normal Joe Schmoe, I would run while I mowed the lawn. This will keep zombies off of your back while you enjoy some good exercise and beer. It will also get you around the corner quicker which may lead you to discover the zombie prick that is shuffling behind you.

Once you discover the zombie behind you, turn that powerful weapon on it. Yes, I mean the lawn mower. Again I will warn you to watch out for pink mist because you wouldn’t want to turn into a zombie because of how much you destroyed a zombie. That would be ironic and sad. Nobody wants that.

Once you’ve dispatched the zombie, build a fence around your yard. I mean, honestly, you need a fence. It keeps the neighbors dog from coming over and shitting in your yard. It keeps zombies out. It even keeps most neighbors from spying on you, especially during those steaming nights in the above ground pool I’m sure you have.

What I would do:
Have you ever seen a lawn mower with a diesel engine on it? What about a lawn mower with a diesel engine from an 18-wheeler? Well, that’s what I push around the yard each week. I modified it myself just for the reason that I know, one day, I will need to chop through a human leg with it. Let me tell you one thing; this puppy will get the job done. Just to test it out, I chopped up a cinder block. It messed up my blade and I had to buy a new one, but it was pretty damn sexy to watch. All that was left was cinder dust.

Amen.

Scenario:
You’re an old person and you have bad credit. AHHHH!!!!! But seriously, AHHHHHHH!!!!!! Anywho, you’re out trying to find a new refrigerator. Apparently, trying to keep forty-two gallons of prune juice cold in the dead heat of August was too much for your previous effort, so you need something with a little beef to it. You open up the largest fridge you find. As a sales pitch, the staff kept an entire zombie frozen solid in the freezer portion of the fridge. Unfortunately, you’re old and the zombie thawed out before you could decide what to do (and move to do it).

What you should do:
AHHHHHH, old people! As an older American, you must get away quickly. If anyone in the near area has a IZRM, you will fall in the reaction. Unfortunately, that old football injury is acting up and quick movements are all but impossible. You’ll need to get on a Segway and get on one quick. While scooting away in style, blow your zombie whistle (if you don’t have one, get one).

Zombie whistles were created by aliens as a weapon to combat zombiism quickly. The whistle causes a zombie to remain immobile while the tune plays. The aliens first gave them to Jesus and Moses, two Mexican brothers completely unrelated to anything religious. The two brothers were deeply religious and believed that the whistles were given to them by God. Because of the confusion, God got angry at them for worshipping a false God, and forces them to eat each other. They both started at the other’s foot and continued eating until they both disappeared and that is how the Chihuahua was created. Some believe that the whistles were redistributed throughout the family, but you might find them on eBay.

If you wreck your Segway before an observant zombie killer can dispatch the abomination, I hope a washing machine falls on you and you die.

What I would do:
I wouldn’t be old, for starters. That aside, I would definitely use a little technique I like to call, “lemon drops in the afternoon sun.” To successfully pull this off, you need a healthy supply of marbles, boiling water, salt, a stock pot, rope and a screen. Luckily, I keep all these things on me at all times, which is ideal.

To start, I have to put the boiling water and the salt in the stock pot. This allows the water to get hotter and not spill everywhere. Take the screen and wrap it around the marbles and tie the rope to the end. Drop the sack in the water. Watch for splashing because it can sting. Once the screen begins to glow red, its time.

Since I am faster than an old person, the zombie is still partially frozen by the time the marbles are ready. I have to pull the sack out and begin spinning it above my head, as if I were a cowboy. After reaching a top speed of 1200 rpm, catapult the sack toward the zombie. Just as the rope is running out of length, pull it back with the force of 1200 mules (see the symmetry here??). This will force the hot marbles through the red hot screen, creating a million tiny, red hot, zombie-killing bullets. The mixture of cold zombie and hot swarm of marble shards creates a phenomenon known as pink mist. It is rare but beautiful. If the sun catches the pink mist at 12:00 noon, it creates a leprechaun with 1200 pieces of gold in his pot-o-gold. Nobody ever expects that.