We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
You’re in the back yard, listening to the sizzling of the steaks on the grill. The fence around the backyard is sturdy and full of wood. This can mean only one thing. LAWN DARTS!!!! Hell, if those bastard police can’t see you, it ain’t illegal. One rousing game of lawn darts after the other leads to a dead squirrel and two dirty lawn darts. Is that wrong? No. But you know what is? That zombie that just crashed through the fence. What do you do?

What you should do:
Well, considering the fact that being heavily armed and owning a lawn mower is old hat, you’ve got something new to bring to the party. Of course, this isn’t the normal party where you make out with someone in a closet for seven minutes, simulating life after death in an effort to get some action. This is a party where everyone is there to destroy zombies and only fun can be had by doing it.

Luckily, just in case you were going to make out with someone for seven minutes, you brought a tooth brush to stay fresh. As it turns out, zombies hate tooth brushes. Especially if they are lodged in their skulls. Blizzaam. Now, not only do you have a zombie to torture and destroy, but you have a zombie with a tooth brush lodged in its skull, teaching all zombies a lesson. There is not a place in a party for zombies and we aren’t afraid of becoming savage beasts to keep it that way. Hell, I didn’t even have to roll the dice to tell you that my plus 10 toothbrush was going to obliterate the zombie.

What I would do:
Well, obviously I have some lawn darts. Do you know what that means? I have a six pack of beer… in my stomach. Oh lord I feel the buzz and nothing feels better for a buzz than killing some dirty, stinking zombies. And the best way to do it?

With my eight foot long blow dart gun that I stole from an African kid with AIDS. He didn’t have anything in the world but that blow dart gun, but I figured the kid had AIDS and didn’t need to have anything in the world because he had AIDS and that was going to take anything anyway so I relieved him of it. He cried but as Jack Handey once said, “That’s how his people are.”

I used the blow darts to stun the poisonous tree frog that is super poisonous in a poisonous way. Now, knowing that zombies are only subhuman, I added to the poison that I collected from the poisonous tree frog a special toxin that I call love. God how I love to watch a zombie carcass burn. Does that make me insane? No? Good. Does knowing that they used to be human make me insane when I enjoy it even more because of it? Oh, damn.

Scenario:
You’re enjoying a hometown basketball game when it happens. You crave nachos. To alleviate this craving, you head toward the concession stand, because this ain’t no fancy hotel of a basketball court where they bring the nachos to you, you have to go get them yourself. On your way to the nacho hut, which is conveniently located in the dead center between the two doorways (which happen to be on opposite walls) that lead out of the stadium, you hear a scream. In the door to your left stands a zombie; in the door to your right stands a giant grizzly bear eating a kid. What do you do?

What You Should Do:
I know it is going to be hard, but the first course of action is to leave the nacho hut, sans nachos. What really makes this a hard thing to do isn’t the fact that nachos are one of the Chosen Foods, but the fact that they are having a special on General Tao’s Chicken Nachos tonight: buy one get a free miniature sword. Damn this crazy ball of dirt we call home!!!

Oddly enough, this is an old building that hasn’t had a fire code inspection in a couple of decades, and those are the only two exits in the entire building. The choice is tough, but you have to choose between a bear with no problems eating people, or a zombie who exists solely for that purpose. You choose….the bear. While the bear is a ferocious killing machine, there is always going to be just one bear. He may get distracted by someone larger and more tender than you are, which could allow you an opportunity to slip by. The zombie has the potential to multiply in numbers, multiplying the danger factor exponentially. Plus, it’s a freaking zombie.

The best course of action for getting out of there alive is simple: you have no friends or family. It doesn’t matter who you came to the game with, you don’t have any friends or family. Friends and family only slow you down and get you killed. Let them figure it out. If they love you enough, they won’t get killed.

What I Would Do:
Immediately, I would have a plan of action: get some freaking nachos. I know its risky and a panic might be diverted if I were able to head off this attack before the general public realized what was going on, but I am not just talking about chips and cheese here folks. I’m talking about the great General combining his powers with the cheese and tortilla chips. Need I say more?

After acquiring said nachos, I notice something about the bear. It’s a dude. Luckily, I have the tools at my disposal and leap into action immediately. At full speed, I run straight at the zombie (I never would have guessed it either!) and pull out a vial from my shotgun holster. The vial contains a sample of bear urine, from a female in heat, and I spray it all over the zombie. This will drive the bear into a frenzy and he will charge toward the zombie without any regard to the humans in the area.

The reasoning behind this is simple: bears are scary and people are dumb. They are going to run toward the zombie door to get away from the bear, even though the zombie is the greater danger. By bringing the bear away from his doorway and into the zombie’s doorway, I have contained all the danger to one area AND freed a door for people to escape.

Now, all I have to worry about is the zombie and the bear, which may become the dreaded zombie-bear at any moment. Luckily for me, zombies do not fancy animals so much and is less likely to bite the bear. The bear is frothing at the mouth by now in anticipation of serving some bear jelly and is unlikely to tear into the zombie, immediately. This will give me the time I need to kill them both with the free miniature sword I received from the nachos purchase. It won’t be easy to kill a horny grizzly bear with a dull miniature sword, but by God I am going to do it. Total loss of life if executed properly: one bear. All in all, it’s a good day for some nachos.