We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
You are wounded in battle with a horde of zombies, but not bitten or clawed. A fellow zombie killer shot you in the right kidney during an untimely panic attack and you blacked out. When you came to, the pain was intolerable and the survivors were nowhere to be seen. You tried to call for help and stand, but all you could do was moan loudly and wiggle around on the ground, covering yourself with your own blood and dirt. Then, from out of the bush comes a rugged looking guy holding an axe and wearing a shirt that says “LAMBO” in big letters. He takes you for a zombie and intends to kill you. What do you do?

What you should do:
Considering the fact that zombies do not and will never be able to talk, simply speak to the kind fellow and he will surely spare your life. There is an outside chance that he is deaf, but this would really work against him in a zombie apocalypse and he would most likely be dead at this point. Surely he speaks English, but nobody can guarantee that these days, so shout at him in a few different languages so that he gets the idea. This should save your life.

There is also another terrifying situation that may prove troublesome for you. If the man saw his entire life (his family, his dog, his lawn dart set) consumed by a zombie horde, he may be mad with hatred and kill anything in his path that could be a zombie. Even if you speak to him and he understands, the fact that you remind him of a zombie could drive him insane and he could cut off your head. For this, I have no solution. Good Luck.

What I would do:
I believe that all zombie killers have one thing in common. They all kill zombies and love peanut butter. For this reason, I always have a peanut butter sandwich stuffed in my left sock just in case I need it. This is one of those situations. I would muster the strength to pull the sandwich out of my sock and simple say, “I made this for you LAMBO.” He will see the sandwich and fall in love with me, reducing the risk of him dispatching me. Even if he is insane with hatred, this could break the spell. If not, then I would simple destroy him with a bazooka.

Scenario:
Ah, the weekend. You and a friend decide to enjoy the weekend at the bar, but for some reason you forsake shooting tequila to spend time chatting it up with this very nice girl. One thing leads to another, and next thing you know your pure charm and good looks have landed you an invitation back to her place.

You’re high fiving your friend as you tell em to give you a call later. Then you head out with the girl on your arm and end up in her bedroom. That’s when things get kinky. She takes her top off, chains you to a bed, a slowly takes your shirt off. This is exactly when you hear a thud on the bedroom door, which slowly opens to a naked zombie, broken fingers and all, sizing you up like a hunk of man meat. The girl runs into her bathroom and locks the door, screaming, leaving you locked to a bed. What do you do?

What you should do:
First thing you have to learn is how to use the environment to your advantage. Second thing you have to learn is to evaluate the environment in the wink of an eye, or preferably as soon as you walk into a room, so it doesn’t take five minutes just to figure out what’s going on.

So the first thing you realize is that there’s a zombie at the door, you’re handcuffed to a solid oak wood headboard, and there’s a bedside table nearby with kinky stuff all over it. This lady was going to really give you a good time, but there’s no time to think about that now. You’ll need to buy yourself some time, so grab the comforter on the bed with your toes. When the zombie lunges for you, toss the comforter over its head so there’s a thick barrier between you and it. With any luck and ab strength, you might even be able to land the zombie underneath you.

Once the zombie is momentarily subdued, call out to the lady and beg her to unlock you. Don’t worry about hoping for her to do anything, she’s probably crazy already. Then, quick as you can, grab the KY Jelly from the table; she’s a kinky girl and that practically spells lube. I hope you aren’t missing any toes, because you’re going to need to squirt that stuff all over your wrist. Then pray to god she’s not a sadist and made the cuffs tight, cause you’re probably going through a world of hurt to pull hands out. If you succeed, might as well leave, but kill the zombie if you need to.

What I would do:
Oh sweet tiger paws, this is like a dream come true! Not only do I get to save the chick and be the hero, but I even get to avoid that whole awkward period afterward where it’s not clear if she just likes me for saving her life or if she’s really going to give me some. It’s almost like Christmas, except one where the world is ending.

When the zombie lunges at me, I’ll be ready with whatever long, pointed thing I can find lying on the table, likely a lamp. With a swift leg lift, I’d smash the lamp into the wall above my head, gloriously shattering glass and metal down my face while also making some sort of jagged weapon of sorts. Then, wielding my make-shift sword, I’d sweep my feet across the bed and slash the zombie across the throat. Of course, this wouldn’t sever it’s head, because it’s only a lamp, but there wouldn’t be much left but a flap o’ skin holding that bitch together. Then all it would take is a final throw to knock the croaks head right off. Bam, decapitated zombie.

After that I’d take a nap and wait for the woman to come back to bed with a peanut butter sandwich and make good on her innuendo.

Thanks to Brandon for submitting this scenario!