We Hate Zombies

Scenerio:
“Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. All right with the salad already, old lady.” It’s General Tso’s Chicken Time and you’re being buffet-blocked by an arthritic eighty year old woman picking through the lettuce like its actually food. Pfft. After deciding to line jump in an effort to eat before work tomorrow, a zombie catches the eye of a young woman walking past you. She screams. The zombie eats the eye. Dilemma: General Tso’s Chicken or escape zombie hell… what do you do?

What you should do:
Obviously, this is one tough situation. You’d been looking forward to this Chinese buffet all week. I mean, come on, it’s been weeks since your stomach got the pleasure of doing battle with General Tso, and you’ve been looking forward to a rematch despite the fact that last time he broke through your great wall into the safety of the open seas in record time. But, then again, having a zombie stuck to your frontal lobe doesn’t even taste good going down. So, run you must.

Forget about the woman; she is dead already. If it’s convenient, push her down on your way toward the door. Zombies usually go for the easy kill which will give you some time. Plus, this is America and “nobody puts baby in a corner.” Instead of heading straight for the door, a few things need to be done. First, you need to clear out the kitchen area. The lobby is already going to empty out because of the zombie, but the folks in back don’t know about it yet. The fastest way to pull this off is to run in screaming “FBI!!” Even the one’s who no speakey englesh know what FBI means. Second, start some grease fires. Burn that mother down and scram.
On your way out the door, try to locate the closest Chinese person and take them with you. You’re going to need that chicken later. Leeeerrroooyyy Jeeennnkkkiiinnsss!!!!

What I would do:
Let me point out that when I sense zombies in the area, I sometimes succumb to my immediate zombie response mechanism (IZRM), an instinctual multi-pronged attack combining complex offensive and defensive maneuvers mixed in with ruggedness. Also, assume the old woman’s deathly appearance does not trigger my IZRM (it has been known to happen from time to time) and that there really is a zombie. After seeing the zombie gouge out the younger woman’s eye with its dried out tongue, my IZRM would immediately take over and I would next find myself with a plate full of delicious chicken, fried rice, and an empty cup of water. Killing zombies always makes me thirsty, but why do they always forget to refill my water?

You see, the beauty of the IZRM is that I don’t have to worry about my immediate response because it’s instinctual. “  What I would probably find out later from a shocked bystandered is that I wiped out the eyeless woman’s head with a four rounds of my 10-gauge and magically launched a pair of chopsticks through the zombie’s brain… from 20 feet away. Plus, sometimes I get home and my pockets are full of jewelry.