We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
It’s next to midnight and you’ve got a stack of empty beer cans. You’d be buzzed but for the tension in the room so dense it’s almost palpable, like the sweat soaking your shirt. Zombies. They are everywhere, and you’re the last human alive. Good thing you have infinite ammo and a good position on the top of some crates. They attack, you jump, firing into their brains, scoring the ‘Zombie Killing Spree’ medal, clearing the room. Halo 3 has never been so stressful. You sense an attack, but at that moment your screen freezes and the Xbox 360 stops responding. You angrily restart the machine, cursing like a sunburned sailor in a hurricane, when it smacks you upside the head, sending you flabbergasted and reeling. Three. Red. Lights. The ring of death. Which is exactly when a real zombie smashes through your window and slams onto the floor. What do you do?

What you should do:
Fix the Xbox 360. You know it’s out of warranty like a piss soaked laptop, Microsoft won’t save your baby for free anymore. It’s up to you, so here’s what you do. First, buy yourself some time by picking up the couch and slamming it on the zombie. You don’t have to kill it, just break all its bones, especially the leg and arm part of the bones, rendering the zombie mostly harmless. Then grab up the Xbox 360 and take it to the kitchen table.

I know the table’s covered, but it’s all trash anyway. Throw that crap into the corner, there’s no time to screw around. You’re going to need some Torx screwdrivers (T10 and T8) and a strong pointy tool. Oh, and also a sword. Now, while defending yourself against the zombie onslaught with the sword, hacking your way to grisly glory, keep your mind on the primary task. First rip off the front plate. No screws, no tabs, just take it off. Use the pointy thing to hit the six tabs on each the right and left of the case to remove the grills, then jab a zombie through the eye and wiggle it around in its brain. Bingo, dead zombie bitches!

After the sides are off, proceed to hit the seven tabs on the back of the machine, seperating the top and bottom of the case as you go. The three tabs in the front are a piece of cake; then lift off the bottom piece. The top is screwed on, so you need the screwdrivers. After that, removing the top of the case is easy, just like beheading three zombies at once. I know you can do it, so do it already! … Do it. Seriously.

Now you’re almost home free. The front of the case has the power button and those pesky red lights. Pop off the light diffuser, then unscrew the three screws holding the circuit board with the power button on it. The board will simply slide off once done. Don’t forget to kill some zombies if they appear, perhaps acting like The Highlander, except without the cool lighting (unless you throw some forks into the microwave) … (Do it.) Inside the 360, there’s a DVD drive. Simply pull it out, unplug it, put it aside. Then there’s a pair of fans and an air vent. The vent is held down with one tab, easy to get off. Unplug the fans, then tilt them forward until they are out from underneath the metal holding them in. Remove the fans. The motherboard can now be removed. The bottom has two “X-Clamps”. Kill those bitches, because they are in-league with the zombies, trying to ruin your life to death.

Replace them with some screws and washers. The parts lists are running around the net like zombie hunters on payday, so I won’t list them here. Take care of the old thermal paste on the processors with Q-tips and alcohol (I prefer tequila), cleaning until it’s a mirror finish. Replace with fresh thermal compound. Without putting everything back together, and specifically without the fans, plug the power button front plate back into the motherboard, hook the board up to the power and video on the TV, then turn the 360 on. Those pesky lights are still there, kind of like the zombies are still outside your house, jumping through your window. Watch out for the cripple on the floor! He still might bite.

Wait for the 360 to switch from 3 red lights to 2; that means it’s overheated, which will melt the solder connecting the processors to the motherboard, thereby re-establishing the connection. Tighten the heatsinks down. Reassemble. See if that fixed your problem (I bet it did). If so, fucking awesome. Now you just have to survive the night against a thousand zombies without infinite ammo or some handy crates. If it didn’t fix your problem, then nothing matters anymore. Without your 360, you might as well just die. Do it as you see fit, just don’t let yourself become a zombie.

What I would do:
I already did this. Yesterday. Except without the zombies upon which to vent my rage. Dammit.

Still, Xbox 360 is working again. Woo! My thanks to those who did not give up the good fight and fall blindly into that dark night.

Scenario:
You managed to sneak a fifth of Mexico’s golden beast into the movies, but you took a wrong turn and ended up surrounded by 8 year olds.¹ Well, you think to yourself, what the heck, kid-movies have actually been good lately. So you settle back in a chair not far from some hot moms and nurse your bottle while the room grows dark. That’s when the exit door by the screen thuds open and something comes in spewing zombie on the front rows. That’s also when you realize you’re watching The Wiggles Movie. What do you do?

What you should do:
Do not, I repeat, do not wait to be covered by 4 foot tall biting corpses. It’s what those little bastards would want. They were bad enough alive, throwing popcorn and Milk Duds at the back of your head like you didn’t belong; they sure aren’t going to be any better after they’re dead. Sure, you can work out some politically correct frustration by wiping out an entire generation of Wiggles lovers, but you don’t want to do it standing in the middle of the theater, open to attack on all sides. Also, you have some hot moms to save.

The best way to score some brownie points or score at all is to save the children.² Not all of them, mind you, just the ones that belong to the ladies. Hopefully they only have one, or one each, because that’s all you’re saving; there’s no time for anything else. Throw a kid over each shoulder and start running out the door. Assuming you make it out with the little ones, check that the parents are following in tow. If they aren’t, there’s no going back; otherwise, turn up the man-heat. Either way, at least you did save some kids, so you’ve got that going for you. Sure, not very many people would call you a hero, but for not saving more, some might call you a coward, and living cowards always trump dead heroes. Think about that while you snack on your crackers.

Now that you’re out of the surround sound death chamber, take the bottle of Tequila you’ve been holding on to for dear life and throw back a few gulps before smashing it in the doorway, then set that baby on fire. Sure, people who are escaping are going to have a hell of time jumping through the ring of fire, but the flames will keep the zombies at bay while you make your escape. Don’t assume anyone’s going to clean up this mess, because dumb people are suckers for kid zombies and always fuck up the quarantine. Also remember that some people who might be alive enough to run through fire may end up covered in fire. Do not let them hug you. Even more also, those people who do escape may be infected. No fooling around until you know for sure!

What I would do:
Really, to be honest, I can’t think of much better to do than what I’ve already suggested. I mean, I think everyone should do just that, but I would probably add on a few things. For one, I’d go up to the projector room and break the projector in half. Then I’d punch the guy who was running it. Then I’d lean out the window, looking over the madness unfolding below, and engage in the age old sport of target practice. Sure, I’d waste some ammo, maybe waste some valuable time, but who knows, it might just pay off in dividends.

Now don’t get me wrong by trying to read between the lines, I don’t hate kids, I just largely hate other people’s kids, but understand that when I say I hate other people’s kids, I really mean that I hate how those kids are being raised, and by that I mean I hate their parents. Also, I really hate zombies. As a side note, whenever I sit in the theater watching a children’s movie by myself, drinking heavily, I never make the mistake of sitting near the middle, even if it’s good real-estate. I always sit near one of the exits. For most people it’s a gamble since the zombies might actually come in that very exit, but I didn’t get the highest score in Duck Hunt because I had slow reflexes.

¹ You also snuck yourself in without a ticket.
² Dependent on consent, of course.