We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
Christmas shopping is something some people make an art of.  Other people could care less about art and wait to buy the crap they give to others the day before it’s due.  In fact, that’s most people, and because of this the malls are full of shoppers running like they’re three hours late for school and they missed the bus.  Some people are crying, some people had to settle for canned brussel sprouts, and some people just look sad and confused.  Ah, now that’s Christmas spirit right there.

Well, you thought you had all your bases covered, that is until someone reminded you of a distant relative who never shows up for Christmas but is going to show up this year.  Now you have to scramble to buy whatever’s left on the shelves and you find yourself surrounded by mobs of poo laden people in the mall.  Of course zombies would hit then, in the mall.  So cliche, but still.  What do you do?

What you should do:
If you haven’t yet, I would recommend you go out right now and rent both ‘Dawn of the Dead’ movies and watch them in their entirety whilst taking notes and shooting jello shots.  This is my normal routine for any given night, which is why this question seems kind of absurd to me.  I could resolve this scenario in a drunken stupor, but I digress.

If you’ve missed the movies so far, you’re sadly equipped to handle this situation, but there’s still hope.  As always you can find the nearest sporting goods store and convince some people to help you make a stand against the waves of the undead.  This is probably a good idea, but you have to get people’s trust and obedience quickly at a time when people are already freaking out about the holidays and will be even more freaking out when they see the dead latching on to someone’s neck.

People would freak the shit out.  Some would still be trying to keep track of their packages, figuring they had to fight for them against the living, they’re sure as hell not going to give them up without a fight against the dead.  Admirable, perhaps, but foolish, unless those gifts happen to be of the kind that shoot hot metal.

If you don’t know where the sporting goods are, your next best bet is to run orthogonal to the flow of people.  The people will most likely be running from zombies but also will be piling up in a massive heap at the exits.  These massive heaps are a bad place to be since zombies love to jump on the pile.  Also, if zombies are inside, chances are good zombies are outside, so people will be trying to get in as much as out.  That is bad news, so go sideways in the direction people are not going, then find a store with a maintenance exit, loading dock, etc.  Every store has some back way out.

What I would do:
I never ask myself why I get drunk and wander into malls, but it happens sometimes.  I get thrown out sometimes too, but there’s a high turn over rate of security guards so it doesn’t really matter.  Nonetheless, I could resolve this scenario in a drunken stuper.

So the zombies are wandering around the mall in that kind of slow gait they have.  I’m not particularly threatened by them, so I hijack one of those golf carts security people usually drive me out in and take off.  I stay near the middle of the lanes so people can jump out of the way to either side, but also so that zombies can’t jump out from behind something and immediately be a threat.  With my little buggy of doom, I’d head off to the sporting equipment place.  I know where it is, just like I know where Victoria’s Secret is, and there I load up on weapons of the usual sort.  Also, I get a high power spotlight.

Then it’s just like my annual deer hunting trips.  Shine a light in their eyes, then shoot, then repeat.  It’s pretty straightforward really.  After a while I’d probably get bored or overrun, at which point I would make my escape, probably through a vent in the ceiling but maybe out a back door if I still felt I could walk into a store without something jumping on me from behind a corner.

Also, I wasn’t at the mall to get gifts.  I bought them online just to avoid any kind of zombie threat.  Zombies don’t ruin Christmas, people acting dumb ruins Christmas.

Scenario:
You live in the middle of the United States and its freaking cold outside. Seriously, it is like, 30 something outside all the time now and it was just 90 a few weeks ago. WTF is that all about anyway? I want some goddamn answers here. I am tired of playing by the Man’s rules and I want it to be warm and pleasant. Cough, Cough. Sorry, sometimes I get a little pissed off about how cold it is and how much I hate it. Anyway, its cold as week old shit and you are in the middle of a fucking zombie apocalypse. You are in a mall and are about to head out into the world on foot because the world ran out of gas. What do you do?

What you should do:
Make a list of important things that you need to have with you at all times. This is important because you are only going to have things with you at all times, nothing more and nothing less. There is no vehicle to help carry stuff and you need to survive long enough to reach warmer climates. Making a list will help eliminate emotion and maximize logic in what you take and what you don’t.

The obvious things on the lists are warm clothes. No, you don’t need more than one change of clothes so don’t even think about it. You need to make sure you have a couple of pairs of socks so that you can keep your feet warm and dry. This is important because Bear Grylls says so. Also, make sure you have a hat or some sort to keep your head warm. You will lose most of your body heat through your head, so stock up.

Once you have that figured out, work on the essentials. Don’t stock up on canned food and water like a moron. Get a map of the area so that you know where to find water and pick up some supplies to obtain your own food and cook it. I would suggest checking with anyone in the mall who is homeless. They know what you need to survive. A cooking tin, a pocket knife, some flint and a compass would be a great way to start. These are all very useful tools in the wild.

Once that is all said and done, get something good to eat and stuff yourself. It may be a few days before you can stop and set up a camp and have a nice meal. I would recommend taking some bread and cheese with you on your trip solely because it will stay edible for a long time and it will provide you with some carbs, fats, and proteins which are all necessary to stay not dead. Plus, it is simple and quick to prepare and it doesn’t weigh a lot like canned foods do.

What I would do:
Have you ever seen the movie Tremors? Well, that movie was based on my ability to tunnel through the ground like it was salt water. Being that this is completely true, I would simply bore into the earth where it is slightly warmer and tunnel my way to Florida. This would only take me a few days because I can move at a constant speed of 30 mph for about a month without stopping. I’m sure glad zombies can’t do that.