We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
You are walking around at work and something doesn’t seem right. All day you have had this nagging feeling in the seat of your pants that something has gone wrong, but for the love of jelly donuts you can’t figure it out. You are wearing everything you are supposed to be wearing. You ate the same old breakfast that you always eat. There are no important deadlines that you forgot about and that cute girl across the hall still ignores you. On the surface, everything seems fine, but it isn’t. Throughout the day, the feeling got worse and worse until you finally figured it out. You shouldn’t have eaten all of those spicy hot wings last night. The crap you took this morning was so hot it chapped your ass. You’ve got a chapped ass that has been rubbed so raw that even your cubicle mate can smell the burnt hair. It hurts so bad you can barely walk, let alone fight the horde of zombies standing at the end of the walkway. What do you do?

What you should do:
This is a dire situation that screams only one thing: temporary fix. You have got to burst some blood blisters and haul your bleeding ass to the bathroom which is right in the middle of you and those dirty zombies. Not only do you have to run, you’ve got to sprint because these guys mean business. If you have it handily available, steal the mail cart and surf your way to luxury.

Once you are inside the bathroom, pull down the pants (regardless of who is there) and lube up those butt cheeks with some soap. It won’t be pretty in the morning, but it should give you enough freedom of motion to get you through the day and fight your way back down to the bus stop. If you are lucky and it exists, opt for the hand lotion. It is less likely to dry up, dry you out, or lather. Lather is not your friend today.

After thoroughly, and I do mean thoroughly, greasing up the works, waste no time in dispatching the zombies. There are plenty of office supplies that would work as weapons. Staplers, keyboards, clipboards, bats, snow globes… The list is endless.

What I would do:
I try to always keep a bottle of baby powder within reach whenever possible. And I don’t get the cheap stuff either. I have to go with the Johnson’s baby powder, pure cornstarch with aloe and vitamin E. Not only does it provide instant relieve with a touch of a cool summer breeze, but it also helps me kill zombies. I wouldn’t even mess with going to the bathroom. I would just drop trouser right in the middle of everyone which does a few great things. It saves time so that I can kill zombies better. It helps me get a date next Saturday. It even gets me a free pass in the lunch line. Who can argue with those results?

Scenario:
Ah, the weekend. You and a friend decide to enjoy the weekend at the bar, but for some reason you forsake shooting tequila to spend time chatting it up with this very nice girl. One thing leads to another, and next thing you know your pure charm and good looks have landed you an invitation back to her place.

You’re high fiving your friend as you tell em to give you a call later. Then you head out with the girl on your arm and end up in her bedroom. That’s when things get kinky. She takes her top off, chains you to a bed, a slowly takes your shirt off. This is exactly when you hear a thud on the bedroom door, which slowly opens to a naked zombie, broken fingers and all, sizing you up like a hunk of man meat. The girl runs into her bathroom and locks the door, screaming, leaving you locked to a bed. What do you do?

What you should do:
First thing you have to learn is how to use the environment to your advantage. Second thing you have to learn is to evaluate the environment in the wink of an eye, or preferably as soon as you walk into a room, so it doesn’t take five minutes just to figure out what’s going on.

So the first thing you realize is that there’s a zombie at the door, you’re handcuffed to a solid oak wood headboard, and there’s a bedside table nearby with kinky stuff all over it. This lady was going to really give you a good time, but there’s no time to think about that now. You’ll need to buy yourself some time, so grab the comforter on the bed with your toes. When the zombie lunges for you, toss the comforter over its head so there’s a thick barrier between you and it. With any luck and ab strength, you might even be able to land the zombie underneath you.

Once the zombie is momentarily subdued, call out to the lady and beg her to unlock you. Don’t worry about hoping for her to do anything, she’s probably crazy already. Then, quick as you can, grab the KY Jelly from the table; she’s a kinky girl and that practically spells lube. I hope you aren’t missing any toes, because you’re going to need to squirt that stuff all over your wrist. Then pray to god she’s not a sadist and made the cuffs tight, cause you’re probably going through a world of hurt to pull hands out. If you succeed, might as well leave, but kill the zombie if you need to.

What I would do:
Oh sweet tiger paws, this is like a dream come true! Not only do I get to save the chick and be the hero, but I even get to avoid that whole awkward period afterward where it’s not clear if she just likes me for saving her life or if she’s really going to give me some. It’s almost like Christmas, except one where the world is ending.

When the zombie lunges at me, I’ll be ready with whatever long, pointed thing I can find lying on the table, likely a lamp. With a swift leg lift, I’d smash the lamp into the wall above my head, gloriously shattering glass and metal down my face while also making some sort of jagged weapon of sorts. Then, wielding my make-shift sword, I’d sweep my feet across the bed and slash the zombie across the throat. Of course, this wouldn’t sever it’s head, because it’s only a lamp, but there wouldn’t be much left but a flap o’ skin holding that bitch together. Then all it would take is a final throw to knock the croaks head right off. Bam, decapitated zombie.

After that I’d take a nap and wait for the woman to come back to bed with a peanut butter sandwich and make good on her innuendo.

Thanks to Brandon for submitting this scenario!