We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
It’s an unseasonably warm September day and you’re a fat, hot guy holding a lawn mower engine. You bought it at a yard sale because you thought it would be cool to rig your fishing pole with a powerful motor. It’s not that you need it to pull in the big one or anything, it’s just that it would be cool. On your way to the garage, you hear something disturbing on the radio. It’s going to be hotter tomorrow. Son-of-a-bitch! There was a box fan at the yard sale, so you walk across the street to go grab it. As you near the crowds, a fucking zombie shows up and bites you on the hand. What do you do?

What you should do:
Well, you’ve been bitten by a zombie, so you are most likely going to die, become undead, and then get killed by me but there may be hope. You’ve got to find that lawn mower and reattach the engine. Being a mechanical genius, this only takes you a few seconds. The purpose? To get the blade spinning fast enough to cut off your arm at the elbow. This will hopefully do two things.

The first, you will lose the bottom half of your arm in a clean cut way. It won’t have to break through bones and it won’t take more than a split second. The benefit of this is that it will hurt less, be easier to dress and treat, and get the job done before the engine stalls. All of these are important because if the engine stalls and the job isn’t complete, you’re definitely a goner. If it is a ragged cut, it might get infected which could lead to further death. Neither of these deaths will be ideal.

The second thing that this will accomplish deals with odds. It will give you the best odds of not becoming a zombie. It is not fully understood how zombiism is transmitted from one person to another, but odds are it has to deal with spreading the infection through the blood or tissue. If this is the case, severing a bitten limb quickly enough just might stop the bleeding. And if it did, how badass would you be? You could tell future survivors how you survived being bitten by cutting your arm off with a lawn mower blade. And if it doesn’t work, at least you will have given the rest of us some information about zombies.

What I would do:
Being a zombie survivalist is not just a full time job with mandatory overtime, it’s a lifestyle. Being as such, I will have all of my jointed extremities lined with explosives designed to blast in a concentrated area. This will limit the damage to the rest of the body while instantly severing the joint. Another plus, it may cauterize the wound, but that isn’t a given.

Once the limb is gone, I will destroy the zombie in one of three thousand possible ways that are always at my disposal. When the zombie is destroyed and I have burned its carcass, I will have to go into hiding. I won’t go to the fortress that I have designed to save up to twenty people from the zombie invasion because all of the people who can live there have directions to go there when the zombies do come. I would be putting them all in grave danger. As such, I have also designed a cell that only a completely lucid Geoffrey can get out of. There is a time lock that expires after two weeks. If I am not lucid, then I am already dead. If the zombiism has not been released from my body, I will perish there. If I am not infected, I have the tools to treat my wound and survive for two weeks. Once the two weeks are up, I will set out into the world, if a world still exists.