We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
You’re deep in a cave located in the mountains of Switzerland, pitch black but for the light of your torch, and you’re wearing chain mail for no reason other than there’s dragon dung everywhere. Why? Because there’s a god damn dragon, and it’s breathing hellfire at you like you’re a hot dog in some fat bastards charade. Whilst fighting said fowl beast, you begin to notice other movements in the dark. That’s when you realize the dragon’s lair was on a zombie cemetery. Why? Because those zombie fuckers always pull shit like this. Obviously you’re pissed. What do you do?

What you should do:
It seems to me like you should have a sword on you if you’re going through all the trouble of wearing chain mail and walking around in dank, wet caves for no good reason. Let’s just assume you went for a stroll, ended up in the mountains of Switzerland, found the armored corpse of a medieval knight, and decided to collect some bat guano for your honeybunches of oats at home.¹

Is the dragon the biggest threat? Probably, if you don’t know how to handle them, but if it burns you like a marshmallow in the coals, at least you’ll actually be dead. Back away from the dragon, slowly, without turning your back. It’s just pissed that you woke it up, or that you’re after its treasure, or eggs, or canned spam, or whatever crap it thinks it’s protecting. Don’t act afraid or combustible and you should be ok. That leaves the problem of the zombies circling around behind your back. Fortunately, if you’re stupid and “die” you’ll be buried in a cave forever.²

Hopefully the dragon will lend a helping hand here. Everyone knows dragons and zombies are not BFFs, so there’s a good chance the dragon will light em up like mothballs in gasoline. Either way, you don’t have to fight them all, just enough to make your way out. Good thing you have a sword, because you’re going to have to put it to good use by slicing and dicing your way out of Zombie McZombietown. If they do surround you, just hold on tight and start spinning towards the exit (they can’t get you if you’re spinning, so don’t stop).³ With any luck, the chain mail will protect you from bites and you’ll escape just in time to get lost forever in the endless caves. Enjoy!

What I would do:
Chain mail is for women. I pissed on that medieval knight because he was a bitch to die in a cave instead of dying for glory and honor on the battle field. And I don’t need his bullshit sword, either. Thanks to the geniuses at Zombie Tools, I always have an Urban Bone Machete hidden somewhere on my person, ready and willing to vanquish some venemous villains vying for vitality.⁴ There’s nothing that says fucking awesome like a sword etched in acid. Dammit.

Also, dragon fire is bullshit. Instead of ducking out from a fight, I’d run toward the nearest zombie and cut him in half. Then I’d lift the writhing corpse up by his back and use him as a fire-shield while I ran under the dragon and kicked it in the balls (or whatever). Yup, that’d really piss it off. After charging through the fire and the flames, hacking up a zombie froth as I went, I’d throw my torch down just so I’d have a challenge making my way back to the real world. I’d probably spend the rest of the day getting drunk and cooking up five pounds of bacon to satisfy my craving for burning flesh. Awesome.

¹ I don’t know who that is or why they’d want it.
² I put quotes around “die”, dammit, so don’t think I don’t mean zombie.
³ It works in football, so I’m pretty sure this is good advice.
⁴ There’s no reason, really, except for an old vendetta.