We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
One day, while you are reworking your emergency zombie plan, you suddenly realize that you’ve been in great danger your entire life. You plan has an incredible weakness that you didn’t fully realize: you hadn’t set aside any special types of shoes. There are a number of landscapes that you will need to be able to navigate but you can’t afford to lug around twenty types of shoes. You head down to your local shoe store and start shopping. Suddenly, there is a scream and panic in the streets. The zombies have come and you don’t have any shoes. What will you do?

What you should do:
Sweet Jesus. Quit being a baby about your shoes and get on with your life. You only need one type of shoe that will help you survive a zombie invasion: cross trainers. They are light and designed for multiple environments. The come in all kinds of styles and whatnot for people who care about that. (Mine will most likely be covered in blood so style doesn’t matter much to me.) And the best thing about them is that you can find them anywhere that sells shoes. Really. They aren’t special.

A lot of you out there are wondering why you shouldn’t get some good hiking boots with steel tipped toes. Well, I can tell all you idiots pretty easily. They are heavy and do not work so well when dealing with running or walking on hard surfaces. Sure, if you don’t have to do it long you will be fine. But when the zombies come, you will be running for hours and possible all on hard surfaces if you are foolish enough to live in a city. Blisters and foot rot are the only things that await you with those on.

On the other side of the street, there are people out there who want to get running shoes. You’ll be doing lots of running, right? Correct but still very wrong. Running shoes are good for running straight, but not for running and cutting and dodging. There is no support on the sides and they will make it much harder to get around those pesky zombies. Plus they will tear down quickly with all that action, so leave them be. Just get some cross trainers.

What I would do:
I was just flying back from Denver, CO last week which is why I didn’t put up any posts. On the flight back, I was shopping in the sky mall. What a glorious place, the sky mall. Anyhow, I came across a pair of shoes that was too good to be true. They are called Gravity Defyer and they don’t mess around. Just listen to all of these bona fide benefits:
The Many Benefits of Gravity Defyer
Relieve your pain
Will reduce fatigue and tiredness
You’ll have a more active lifestyle
You’ll have more energy
You’ll appear 2″ taller
You’ll look like a million dollars
You can ease joint and spine pain
You can jump higher & walk faster
You’ll feel instant comfort
You’ll have that Gravity Defying feeling
They will cool your feet & reduce foot odor.

Not only will I look taller but my lifestyle will instantly get more active. Plus I will look like a million bucks. But the real benefit is that I will be able to walk faster without even trying. That means I will run faster too and I can jump higher. The secret is in the springs. There are some springs in the heal that are totally awesome and almost magical. I don’t know why nobody thought of adding springs before. Springs!!!!!!! In my shoes!!!!! I can almost feel that gravity defying feeling now.

Faster. Taller. Cooler feet.