We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
You’re attending a Halloween party at your old college friend’s house. You decided that Dracula would be a cool costume and it wouldn’t be too hard to make, but decided at the last minute to go as a pussy. On your way to Walgreens to get some vampire teeth, you come across a small group of zombies, thirsting for human flesh. What do you do?

What you should do:

Develop an action plan. Being Halloween, you have to make sure that some dunderheads aren’t dressed up as zombies just to push your buttons. They really have no idea what is going on here, and they may already have sealed there fate. The only thing that can save them is an action plan (assuming you don’t wet your pants and run to dairy queen crying).

Determine if they are human. One person offered a simple test for old people that should apply here. Catch their attention and wave at them. If they fail to wave, they are either a zombie or an asshole which are both acceptable reasons for termination. If they do wave, they are passable as human beings, which I cannot completely condone.

If they wave back, simple protocol is to steal their candy and run to Walgreens. If they follow you in, pull a gun and start screaming at them (’Don’t you fucking dare!!!!!’ Usually works well). If they don’t follow you, you just scored some candy. If they don’t wave back, dispatch them as you see fit. If nothing comes to mind, send up the Geoffrey signal. Everyone will die, but you’ll be a hero. A dead hero but a hero nonetheless.

What I would do:
IZRM. Too bad kiddies. Blame your parents for what happened. The people on the news will claim that a bomb went off and there were no survivors. Only jelly and fingernails were found at the scene. Oh yeah, and I’d be there with that look on my face. You know the one. The one that says, “Uhhh…. I dunno.” Hahahah. Ohhhh geez (wipes tears from my eyes). Yeah, that’s how it usually goes.