We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
It is late summer. The air is stagnate and boiling hot. Your field hasn’t seen a drop of rain in about a month. The corn is underdeveloped but completely dried out and ready to harvest. You are out in the field taking samples to make sure it isn’t too soon, or too late. You are about to take a break and smoke your tobacco pipe when you hear a faint rustling in the corn a few rows over. What could it be? Your wife died last year from the cancer and Ruddy, your brown lab, died ten years ago when he got kicked by the horse. The kids have all moved out and you don’t have any friends. It can be only one thing. Zombies! What do you do?

What you should do:
You’ve been farming this land your whole life so you know where you are and where you can run, but the zombies have the advantage. They just have to follow you and you don’t know where they could be hiding. You can’t see far in the corn across the rows, so you need to run down the row that you are in. You can see all the way up and down the row so you only have to worry about a zombie flanking you on your way out.

But which way do you go? Do you head back to the house where the zombies could find other people to attack or do you head farther out into the fields? Heading home would give you more tools to dispatch the zombies, so you should head that way, despite the danger to other people. Remember, you don’t have any friends, so if they get bite, just finish them off with your chainsaw.

Once you make it out of the corn, grab your rifle and pick them off as they saunter out of the fields. Hopefully you get them all, but you’ll never know.

What I would do:
Above all else, I am a zombie hunter. I am not a farmer, a brother, or a human. Keeping that in mind, I want to make sure that I get every last one of those bastards. Making the assumption that the zombies are all in the corn field, I only have one option. Light a match and watch the mother fucker burn.

But how do I make sure that I get them all and that they don’t escape the flames by going the opposite way? Well, it is simple. I have to start the flames toward one of the corners of the field that I am in. Since the zombies are likely to blindly follow me around until they catch me or they die, I will stay in the field and continue to light the corn in various places. The eventual goal is to spiral toward the center of the field so that they corn is burning in all directions and the zombies are trapped. Since the corn is dry as week old dog shit, it should burn pretty damn fast. Then all I have to do is sit and wait.

Why kill yourself brave zombie hunter? Considering that I am an old man with nobody to spend my life with and I just burned my entire years work (and paycheck), it really does seem like the easy way out. And, if I get all of the zombies in one shot, what better way to go down? I could live out the rest of my life and eventually die of liver failure, on account of the drinking, or I could sit in the middle of a burning cornfield, all zenlike and shit, while a horde of zombies closes in on me just as the fire closes in on them. It is like choosing between a bratwurst and cow penis: the choice is clear.

What this is all about:
There are very few times in the year when you can look “normal” while practicing for retaliation during the coming zombie invasion, and Halloween is easily the biggest of those times. After certain mishaps, Geoffrey and I discovered that we could avoid the typical Halloween “accidents” and “man-hunts” if we took out our zombie aggression on something almost as meaty and solid as the human head: a pumpkin. That’s why we started making zombie pumpkins, to express our hatred and zealotry on something other than 5-year olds in white makeup. Now you can to!

Getting started:
Find yourself a picture of a zombie online. Make it simple, preferably in black and white, and blow it up to a pretty big size that matches your pumpkin. Then you need to lay out your tools and everything else you’ll need. You can see here that I’ve already made my zombie stencil and taped it to the pumpkin. The tools I need are all on the table except the tequila, which is in my hand.

Applying the stencil:
After you have everything you need to get started, including a good buzz, use a sharp instrument (or tool provided) to outline the sections of your stencil onto the pumpkin. You can try cutting through the paper, but it will end horribly and people will laugh at you, so just outline the stencil with something sharp and then get rid of it. Make sure you outline enough of the sections that you can see where to cut and what to remove. Sometimes it can get a little ugly.

Carving it out:
You can use whatever you want for carving on the pumpkin. Good ideas include tools in carving kits, small screwdrivers, and butcher’s knives. Bad ideas include feet, empty bottles of tequila, and Chuck Norris. Now, depending on your stencil, you can either cut all the way through the pumpkin, or, as I did here, simply shave off the thick outer skin of the pumpkin. Light shines through either way, but you have more control with the latter method. The wall of the pumpkin will need to be thin for light to shine through brightly, so trim off extra pumpkin crap out from the inside.

Adding highlights:
What do you do when you want to add a little extra flair to the pumpkin? You could use makeup, feathers, perhaps pictures of naked women (or men), maybe even an ex-girlfriend. Or, in my case, you can just cut through the pumpkin completely. The holes will show more light than the skinless pulp, so they will appear much more prominently. Here I cut out the teeth and eyes because those are the most important parts of the zombie face. Can they see you and are they eating you?

Light ‘er up!
Use a light to check for consistency and to make touch-ups. Then put a big ass candle inside. And you’re done! Or whatever.

At last, retribution!
Commence your attack! Again, get the necessary materials, then do whatever the hell you want. Do notice how little fire effects the zombie skull. This is true to life, you can’t easily kill a zombie with fire.

Scenario:
You walk into a diner with your friend Steve. Steve isn’t like your average friend because when you actually write out all of the math, your average friend can still see. Steve can’t. Steve’s blind. But he gets around pretty well considering he can’t see and you don’t really even notice it very often.

You do notice it when you walk into diners and sit down to eat. As you sit down to eat, in the diner, you wonder why you brought him here. But here you are. Once you settle in, it begins. First, it starts off with a motorcycle driving by. He proudly announced it to everyone in the diner that he just heard a 2009 Softail Deluxe Harley Davidson with its 96B Twin Cam engine and its over/under exhaust system. Then some random Jeep drives by and he lets you (and everyone else) know that it was actually a 5.7 liter Hemi V8 engine, 330 horsepower with 375 lb-ft of torque Jeep Commander. Then the waitress opens up a beer behind him and he begins boasting about the crisp, cool Bud Lite Lime with the refreshing flavor of Bud Lite with a splash of salt and lime. It’s at this point that you want to slap the man. Even his blindness can’t protect him now. Not until he hunches down and whispers into your direction.

“Zombies…” What do you do?

What you should do:
Go ahead and apologize for slapping him. Then slap him right across his blind face. It’s for his own good, even though he alerted you about the zombies that are coming in the back door of the diner. You can just buy him a beer to make up for it, if you make it out alive.

Steve happens to be blind if I didn’t mention that already which means that he isn’t so good in a panicking mob. You have to make Steve go back outside and get into the car. He can handle getting there without any problem as long as the zombies don’t get the mob going before he can get to the car. Once he is inside, he should be safe.

Now that Steve is safe in the car, you have to prepare the crowd for the news. There are an unspecified number of zombies heading their way and they need to arm themselves and prepare for battle. Now, most of the patrons of the diner will flip their shit and run like mad to any exit they see. Some of these will undoubtedly go towards the zombies. Try to stop them, but don’t get yourself killed.

With the remaining zook haters, tear down the chairs and tables to make some reasonable weapons. These weapons are going to be mostly for blunt force trauma, and as a group you can pummel the zombies unto pulp. Remind everyone not to breathe in the pink mist.

What I would do:
Blind people are like zombies in a lot of ways. Nobody laughs at them because they tell funny jokes. Nobody wants to really touch them because they might “catch what he’s got.” Hell, I’ve even heard that neither one can have sex, but that’s just hearsay. I’m not really sure where I was going with this, but I like to keep lists of how things are similar. Go figure.

To avoid getting Steve killed, I would send him to the car first. No, wait. I would slap him and then send him to the car. Then I would dazzle the crowd in the diner by pulling the table cloth off of my table without disrupting anything on top of it. Then I would rip the table cloth into long strands with my steak knife while the people applauded. Unfortunately, they are all fools.

I’d run to the kitchen and tip over the deep fat frier, turn up the oven and overheat the skillets. Then I would pop open a fifty pound bag of flower and create an inferno. With the table cloth strips, I would run outside and secure all the exits by tying the doors together, effectively locking them shut. I hate to sacrifice people in the name of zombies, but I don’t take chances. Then I take Steve out for a beer. Blind people CAN be good for something… sometimes.

Scenario:
You’re deep in a cave located in the mountains of Switzerland, pitch black but for the light of your torch, and you’re wearing chain mail for no reason other than there’s dragon dung everywhere. Why? Because there’s a god damn dragon, and it’s breathing hellfire at you like you’re a hot dog in some fat bastards charade. Whilst fighting said fowl beast, you begin to notice other movements in the dark. That’s when you realize the dragon’s lair was on a zombie cemetery. Why? Because those zombie fuckers always pull shit like this. Obviously you’re pissed. What do you do?

What you should do:
It seems to me like you should have a sword on you if you’re going through all the trouble of wearing chain mail and walking around in dank, wet caves for no good reason. Let’s just assume you went for a stroll, ended up in the mountains of Switzerland, found the armored corpse of a medieval knight, and decided to collect some bat guano for your honeybunches of oats at home.¹

Is the dragon the biggest threat? Probably, if you don’t know how to handle them, but if it burns you like a marshmallow in the coals, at least you’ll actually be dead. Back away from the dragon, slowly, without turning your back. It’s just pissed that you woke it up, or that you’re after its treasure, or eggs, or canned spam, or whatever crap it thinks it’s protecting. Don’t act afraid or combustible and you should be ok. That leaves the problem of the zombies circling around behind your back. Fortunately, if you’re stupid and “die” you’ll be buried in a cave forever.²

Hopefully the dragon will lend a helping hand here. Everyone knows dragons and zombies are not BFFs, so there’s a good chance the dragon will light em up like mothballs in gasoline. Either way, you don’t have to fight them all, just enough to make your way out. Good thing you have a sword, because you’re going to have to put it to good use by slicing and dicing your way out of Zombie McZombietown. If they do surround you, just hold on tight and start spinning towards the exit (they can’t get you if you’re spinning, so don’t stop).³ With any luck, the chain mail will protect you from bites and you’ll escape just in time to get lost forever in the endless caves. Enjoy!

What I would do:
Chain mail is for women. I pissed on that medieval knight because he was a bitch to die in a cave instead of dying for glory and honor on the battle field. And I don’t need his bullshit sword, either. Thanks to the geniuses at Zombie Tools, I always have an Urban Bone Machete hidden somewhere on my person, ready and willing to vanquish some venemous villains vying for vitality.⁴ There’s nothing that says fucking awesome like a sword etched in acid. Dammit.

Also, dragon fire is bullshit. Instead of ducking out from a fight, I’d run toward the nearest zombie and cut him in half. Then I’d lift the writhing corpse up by his back and use him as a fire-shield while I ran under the dragon and kicked it in the balls (or whatever). Yup, that’d really piss it off. After charging through the fire and the flames, hacking up a zombie froth as I went, I’d throw my torch down just so I’d have a challenge making my way back to the real world. I’d probably spend the rest of the day getting drunk and cooking up five pounds of bacon to satisfy my craving for burning flesh. Awesome.

¹ I don’t know who that is or why they’d want it.
² I put quotes around “die”, dammit, so don’t think I don’t mean zombie.
³ It works in football, so I’m pretty sure this is good advice.
⁴ There’s no reason, really, except for an old vendetta.

Scenario:
Holy shit! You stole a car and are driving so fucking fast your teeth are digging into the headrest. Not only that, but its raining and the tires of the car are bald. Plus, the floor boards have holes in them and so do your shoes, making your toes wet. Why did you steal that crappy car in the first place? Suddenly, right in the middle of a two-tire turn, you hear a ripping sound in the back seat. Lucky for you, its just a zombie tearing its way toward you from the trunk, and something smells like gasoline.  What do you do?

What you should do:

Never, and I mean never, steal a car with a zombie in the trunk. You can get yourself into a predicament such as this. What could be worse than the deadly combination of a zombie, gasoline, and a stolen car that sucks? A zombie with time-traveling abilities, but that is for another time. In this moment, nothing is worse.

First of all, get all four tires on the ground. Stabilizing the car is the only thing that will get you out of this mess alive. There should be no attempt to kill the zombie at this point in time, only escape. The best defense is a great offense, but only when the board is stacked for you, not against. So, I repeat, get the tires on the ground.

Second (of all?), tuck and roll baby. No, I know you’re all hot and bothered over Chinese food right now, but this ain’t no spring roll honey. You need to literally jettison your body out of that car and into (traffic?) safety.

Finally, stop some cars that are passing by. Chances are at least one of them has a gun that you can blow the zombie’s brains out. If you don’t find one quickly, get out of dodge. I know it doesn’t sound responsible, but you’re obviously not equipped (mentally) to handle a zombie in the open.

What I would do:
Well, I wouldn’t steal a car because I am not a moron. I’d steal a tank because I know it’ll be secure. But let’s say that I got high on propane and Tylenol and I stole a car and the car happened to have a zombie in it. While I’m turning the corner, I’d pull my trusty shotgun out of nature’s pocket and blast the damn thing back into the trunk. Now, assuming you’ve never seen Mythbusters, the zombie would probably catch on fire at this point, setting the entire trunk ablaze. Pull the e-brake. Get out of the car. Take a bus home. Done.