We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
Ho ho ho, it’s time for Christmas.¹ You’re in the business of getting presents, and business is good if that’s the kind of business your family is good at. Or your friends, or whomever. Problem is that while you’re inside untying ribbon and shredding Christmas propaganda like ‘happy holidays’ wrapping paper, there’s a growing threat outside, getting ever closer to your door. And closer, but slowly, yet still closer, and it’s really cold outside so the going is pretty slow, but soon enough you and your family are in imminent danger. Next thing you know, Aunt Flufficans is looking kind of weird and the present you’re opening has some blood and a shitty wrapping job. Of course, inside you find a twitching zombie hand. Merry fucking Christmas. What do you do?

What you should do:
Fortunately for you and everyone else, you’re with the people you should be able to trust. Also, you can finally put all that “family” bullshit aside and take control, making those who best (and least) understand you do what you know is right to resolve the situation. This is your moment to shine, unlike that time you graduated from high school and everyone came to eat your cake, leaving behind only that symbolic alarm clock that squawks “HEY FUCKER! WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD BITCH! I’MMA EAT YOU ALIVE!!” (which is of course why you want to destroy it always).

Now the first thing you should know to do is to throw that zombie hand in the oven and switch it into ‘Clean’ mode. This makes the oven rock out until it’s over 500 degrees, burning up all kinds of shit that’s inside, including infected zombie hands. This won’t burn away the bone, but the bone isn’t really the part you should be worrying about. In fact, if you can get Aunt Flufficans in there, all the better. If not, it’s best just to tie her up with some packaging tape and throw her in the basement where you can deal with her later without the sentimental puppy dog eyes of her relatives.

It’s important to understand that families are both the strongest and weakest groups of fighters, strong because they can work effectively together and have strong bonds that can overcome such things as disputes and blood vendettas (usually), but weak because the fall of one can crush the entire family into immobility. That is, if little brother Jimmy turns into a zombie, do your parents have the heart to vaporize his skull? Probably not, but you’d better because you should know better. Once a zombie, always a zombie, and certainly not a Jimmy. Just because you know a croak doesn’t mean you don’t kill a croak. Do for the family what the family itself is too weak to do.

After the immediate threats of the hand and the Aunt are dealt with, you need to understand why the old hag was zombified in the first place. Did someone leave a window open? Is there another zombie in the house? Did she just arrive and was it already too late by then? Sweep the house, gather munitions, and determine where the best defensible positions are in the house. Then turn on the news, if it’s still going, or look outside and check the status of the world. If the shit is too bad, you might need to turn that house into a fortress. If you can still move about the world with some relative safety, decide who has the best house for the job and get going. Hope you got something good for Christmas.

What I would do:
Hm. This is pretty much perfect for me, but to help you understand why, here’s a copy of this years’ Christmas list:

1. Chinese Assault Rifle
2. Explosive Arrows and Bow
3. W.A.S.P. Knife
4. More shotgun shells
5. Night-vision binoculars
6. Gun cleaning kit
7. Case of M.R.E.s
8. … (list continues)

Sure, I didn’t get everything I asked for, but with a list like that it’s hard to go wrong, and what better way to test out all the new gear than a sudden zombie invasion. Not only does ithelp us skip eating that crappy fruit cake, avoid the relations we’d rather not see, and all the other unpleasant parts of seeing family during the holidays, but it also helps release stress and tension by exploding zombos while at the same time creating a bonding experience for the whole family. Woops. I misfired my exploding arrow and hit Uncle Fucker in the leg while he was running from the zombies. Good thing it was explosive so I could get the whole crowd… Thanks mom!

The lesson here is that we can’t avoid our family or the holidays, but we can make the best of them if we’re smart about it.

Oh, and WTF is this?

¹ Well, sometimes we get around to things a little late here.