We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
You’ve moved to Germany so that you can enjoy the finer things in life. Good cars, good beer, and ridiculously disgusting pornography. You’re living the sweet life. The American Dream. Until one day while you are downloading music illegally, the music Nazis come crashing through your windows, yelling unrecognizable things at you. You never learned German because you thought it was a poopy language. Now you wish things were different, until you realize that they aren’t screaming, they are moaning, and they aren’t music Nazis, they are zombie Nazis. What do you do?

What you should do:
Zombie Nazis are just like any other zombies, so you should go about business as usual. If you can, secure the house against attack ahead of time so that this isn’t an issue. However, since it is obviously an issue now, you have to deal with it.

If you can, secure the house now so that you can build some fortifications in the future. If there are only a couple of zombies, quickly dispatch them with a gun or an axe or a baseball bat if you have one. Then board up all the windows and doors and stock up on canned goods. Build a supply of ammunition and explosives so that when the time comes, you will be ready. The most important lesson about surviving a zombie invasion is longevity. All zombies will eventually decompose. You just have to last long enough.

If you can’t save the house, grab what ammunition you can get and get out as fast as possible. Try to put some distance in between you and the zombies and if you can get some ocean in between, that’s even better. Make sure you alert the authorities. They may think you are crazy, but when they get enough crazy people telling them the same thing, they will start doing something about it.

What I would do:
Well, I think we all know that my home is my sanctuary. Not only is it outfitted to survive a zombie invasion, it is well equipped to save as many as three hundred other people. I would dispatch the zooks in record time because all of my windows have a special gating system in place where one inch solid steel spikes rush down, barring the windows from attackers. If someone should be stuck in the window, they won’t live too long. I’ve got a similar mechanism on the doors, but they are a bit tricky. Don’t ever come in my house unannounced.

Once the zombies are dead, I hit the alarm. It is similar to the tornado alert system that every town should have except that mine is louder and says, “I just killed some zombies. Get the fuck inside!!!” Once that is going and I feel that the town has had its warning, I gather some survivors that share my party line and lock the place down. I can get people inside once I’ve locked down, but it is harder to do than licensing a car in Europe. There are a lot of questions to be answered and a complete physical done by me to ensure that there are no bites. Then we wait until the zombies have perished and see how much of the world is left in the wake.