We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
You live in the middle of the United States and its freaking cold outside. Seriously, it is like, 30 something outside all the time now and it was just 90 a few weeks ago. WTF is that all about anyway? I want some goddamn answers here. I am tired of playing by the Man’s rules and I want it to be warm and pleasant. Cough, Cough. Sorry, sometimes I get a little pissed off about how cold it is and how much I hate it. Anyway, its cold as week old shit and you are in the middle of a fucking zombie apocalypse. You are in a mall and are about to head out into the world on foot because the world ran out of gas. What do you do?

What you should do:
Make a list of important things that you need to have with you at all times. This is important because you are only going to have things with you at all times, nothing more and nothing less. There is no vehicle to help carry stuff and you need to survive long enough to reach warmer climates. Making a list will help eliminate emotion and maximize logic in what you take and what you don’t.

The obvious things on the lists are warm clothes. No, you don’t need more than one change of clothes so don’t even think about it. You need to make sure you have a couple of pairs of socks so that you can keep your feet warm and dry. This is important because Bear Grylls says so. Also, make sure you have a hat or some sort to keep your head warm. You will lose most of your body heat through your head, so stock up.

Once you have that figured out, work on the essentials. Don’t stock up on canned food and water like a moron. Get a map of the area so that you know where to find water and pick up some supplies to obtain your own food and cook it. I would suggest checking with anyone in the mall who is homeless. They know what you need to survive. A cooking tin, a pocket knife, some flint and a compass would be a great way to start. These are all very useful tools in the wild.

Once that is all said and done, get something good to eat and stuff yourself. It may be a few days before you can stop and set up a camp and have a nice meal. I would recommend taking some bread and cheese with you on your trip solely because it will stay edible for a long time and it will provide you with some carbs, fats, and proteins which are all necessary to stay not dead. Plus, it is simple and quick to prepare and it doesn’t weigh a lot like canned foods do.

What I would do:
Have you ever seen the movie Tremors? Well, that movie was based on my ability to tunnel through the ground like it was salt water. Being that this is completely true, I would simply bore into the earth where it is slightly warmer and tunnel my way to Florida. This would only take me a few days because I can move at a constant speed of 30 mph for about a month without stopping. I’m sure glad zombies can’t do that.