We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
You’re driving along in your car, minding your own business and listening to the radio. All of the sudden, you are getting a hummer. You look down, and there she is giving you an early birthday present. All you can think of is, “ohmygodohmygodohmygodi’mgettingahummerandit’ssoawesomeohmygodi’mgettingahummer…” On and on this goes for a while until you hit that kid that just ran into the street as you drove through his neighborhood. Ironically enough, just at that exact moment, you thought you heard the radio guy on the radio talking about zombies. Or it could have been one of those “Zoom Zoom” commercials that are always playing. Who put it on the Spanish channel anyway? And what do you do?

What you should do:
There are two choices for the road ahead. You could keep driving and hope she didn’t notice the thump on the car, possibly thinking it was a sign of approval. This would at best make you a victim of hit and run, except you are not the dead kid. Or you can stop the car and get out to inspect the situation. Neither option is a good one because of my old buddy OC (opportunity cost).

OC always shows up when you least expect him and when least want him too. It could be a zombie boy which would mean you maimed him but didn’t kill him enough for him to die. In this case, you have to stop the car and finish the job and save the world. Unfortunately, it is also a pretty quick way to kill the mood. It doesn’t matter that you are saving the world, beating a kid’s head in with a tire iron is not going to win any points for you in bed.

If it is a regular boy, you really have to stop because he might not die if you can get some help for him and stay at his side. You might be able to practice that CPR you always see on TV or at least be there to talk to the poor kid until the ambulance arrives. Believe it or not, this will win you fewer points in bed because she will blame it on herself. If she hadn’t been doing what she was doing, you might not have ever hit the kid. That kind of guilt never does any good for anyone.

However, if you keep on driving, things will go on just as the currently are and you still get your present. Assuming the guilty conscience doesn’t take all the “in” out of your manliness (figure it out).

Solution: Stop the car and check on the kid. If it is a zombie, finish it off with the tire iron. If it isn’t a zombie, save the poor bastard and teach him a lesson about running into the street. If he dies, find a new girlfriend. If he lives, you’ll get your present, it just might be a few months. Flip a coin on the new girlfriend bit.

What I would do:
Believe it or not, my options are the exact same as yours. Sure, I might be driving 2000 times faster than you ever could and my car might be made out of iron and magic, but the underlying dilemma is still the same. I have my priorities in line. Kill zombies. Save people. Make whoopy. In that order and no other. So, yes, I would stop the car and check on the corpse. If it is a zombie, I will kill it (but with some sort of sweet new weapon that is so awesome that you couldn’t even comprehend it). If it is a child, I will breathe life into its dying body as long as its not already dead (I don’t make zombies. Never confuse the wording of the list). I’m human too (But a more awesome human like Chuck Norris).