We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
Your recent battle with General’s chicken has taken a turn for the worse. Despite your iron stomach, you couldn’t have anticipated the chicken was a Trojan horse, going down sweet and sexy but releasing the forces of salmonella on your unsuspecting bowels. The Chinese have struck again, and now you’re in the hospital waiting for your chance in the E.R. Everything was going simply awful until some sick bastard cut in front of you complaining of a bite wound and a bad headache. Too bad they were slurring so much the nurse couldn’t understand, but you did. Zombie. What do you do?

What you should do:
This is another one of those bad spots in which you pretty much know there are other zombies outside. You’re lucky enough to catch on to that fact before they catch on to your thigh, but it might not mean much in the end. Nevertheless, you have to survive one battle at a time if you’re to survive the great war of the undead.

Too bad you’re throwing up, thirsty as hell, and look as bad as the next dead guy. That’s going to make it rough to survive, and to be honest, if the food sickness is bad enough I wouldn’t be surprised if someone else in the room thought you were the zombie and took action. It wouldn’t be the first time someone like me “saved the world” by taking care of a “potential” “zombie.” Did I black out at the time? Maybe. Did it keep me from kicking ass? It helped. Did I have a raging chubby at the time? No comment.

First off, you’re not going to get anywhere by leaving or running out by yourself because you’ll still be sick. The bad thing about salmonella isn’t that it’s going to kill you (probably), but that it’s going to take you out of the game, which is basically the same as killing you in this case. Sure, if you have a friend with you, you can commence the leaving operation. Otherwise, things get a little tricky. Try hitting on the nurse, or any woman in the room. If you’re lucky, they’ll have a cabin in a secluded area far away from the city and a hot physique. You’ll have to act fast because the pre-zombie at the desk isn’t going to be alive long, so don’t get caught up on any one pick-up line.

If that doesn’t work, steal a wheel chair and book it for the county line. Other options would include following the pre-zombie into the E.R., then locking him in a bathroom, or finding a few bottles of water and locking yourself in a closet. Just FYI, that last option really isn’t a good one. Zombies in an abandoned hospital? Creepy.

What I would do:
Slam a Gatorade, shoot up on penicillin, and flex until I’m cured, then pump the pre-zombie full of muscle relaxants I stole from the pharmacy while the clerk was cleaning up my piss. The muscle relaxants should easily dominate the heart of said enemy, thereby making an instant zombie, but the beauty is that the zombie will have no control over its muscles and will be helpless and harmless. Options here would include knocking out the teeth and taking the head as a Chia pet or crushing the brain with heavy hospital equipment.

After using the defib’ to set the body on fire, I’d steal a wheel chair and book it to the county line, which is a code word for my house. There, the real battle against sickness will begin.