We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
You’re enjoying a hometown basketball game when it happens. You crave nachos. To alleviate this craving, you head toward the concession stand, because this ain’t no fancy hotel of a basketball court where they bring the nachos to you, you have to go get them yourself. On your way to the nacho hut, which is conveniently located in the dead center between the two doorways (which happen to be on opposite walls) that lead out of the stadium, you hear a scream. In the door to your left stands a zombie; in the door to your right stands a giant grizzly bear eating a kid. What do you do?

What You Should Do:
I know it is going to be hard, but the first course of action is to leave the nacho hut, sans nachos. What really makes this a hard thing to do isn’t the fact that nachos are one of the Chosen Foods, but the fact that they are having a special on General Tao’s Chicken Nachos tonight: buy one get a free miniature sword. Damn this crazy ball of dirt we call home!!!

Oddly enough, this is an old building that hasn’t had a fire code inspection in a couple of decades, and those are the only two exits in the entire building. The choice is tough, but you have to choose between a bear with no problems eating people, or a zombie who exists solely for that purpose. You choose….the bear. While the bear is a ferocious killing machine, there is always going to be just one bear. He may get distracted by someone larger and more tender than you are, which could allow you an opportunity to slip by. The zombie has the potential to multiply in numbers, multiplying the danger factor exponentially. Plus, it’s a freaking zombie.

The best course of action for getting out of there alive is simple: you have no friends or family. It doesn’t matter who you came to the game with, you don’t have any friends or family. Friends and family only slow you down and get you killed. Let them figure it out. If they love you enough, they won’t get killed.

What I Would Do:
Immediately, I would have a plan of action: get some freaking nachos. I know its risky and a panic might be diverted if I were able to head off this attack before the general public realized what was going on, but I am not just talking about chips and cheese here folks. I’m talking about the great General combining his powers with the cheese and tortilla chips. Need I say more?

After acquiring said nachos, I notice something about the bear. It’s a dude. Luckily, I have the tools at my disposal and leap into action immediately. At full speed, I run straight at the zombie (I never would have guessed it either!) and pull out a vial from my shotgun holster. The vial contains a sample of bear urine, from a female in heat, and I spray it all over the zombie. This will drive the bear into a frenzy and he will charge toward the zombie without any regard to the humans in the area.

The reasoning behind this is simple: bears are scary and people are dumb. They are going to run toward the zombie door to get away from the bear, even though the zombie is the greater danger. By bringing the bear away from his doorway and into the zombie’s doorway, I have contained all the danger to one area AND freed a door for people to escape.

Now, all I have to worry about is the zombie and the bear, which may become the dreaded zombie-bear at any moment. Luckily for me, zombies do not fancy animals so much and is less likely to bite the bear. The bear is frothing at the mouth by now in anticipation of serving some bear jelly and is unlikely to tear into the zombie, immediately. This will give me the time I need to kill them both with the free miniature sword I received from the nachos purchase. It won’t be easy to kill a horny grizzly bear with a dull miniature sword, but by God I am going to do it. Total loss of life if executed properly: one bear. All in all, it’s a good day for some nachos.