We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
You’re in an airport (oh no, not another airport scenario. Geez, can’t these guys think of anything new?) and you’ve already crossed through the security checkpoint. As you wonder whether or not some Mexican is ruffling through your belongings, you notice something funny. There, right next to the Quiznos, is a freaking Thai restaurant with real Thai people working in it. How did they get that kind of gig inside of an airport anyway? I can understand Burger King or Cinnabon being there because those places symbolize everything it means to be American, but Thai? No sir, you don’t buy it. Something isn’t right here. Then you see him. A zombie, just standing in the middle of a crowd of people, his lifeless hand still clutching a cup of coffee. It may not be too late. What do you do?

What you should do:
Since you are on the wrong end of a security clearance, you won’t have much in the way of a weapon. Sure, you might have some carry-on luggage with you, but there won’t be anything in there that can take down a rabid dog, let alone a zombie. Because of this, you have to do a couple of things before you take action.

Number one, assess the situation. The zombie is still holding the cup of coffee, so it is possible that it has not fully turned, giving you precious time to destroy it. If it has turned and the cup just hasn’t fallen yet, that is still ok but it takes some of your planning time away. Also, check the reactions of the crowd. The last thing you want to do is create a panic. If they have not noticed the zombie, then do not draw attention to it just yet. If everyone panics, the likelihood of a mass infection increases exponentially.

Number two, obtain a weapon. There are bound to be steel trash cans, umbrellas, or even fountain pens around somewhere in a gift shop or in an old man’s hand. Find it and use it. If there is any security officer nearby, beware. They will not understand what is going on and will try to stop you. This cannot happen and if it means that you get tazed, then so be it.

Once you have your weapon and have scoped out the area for panicking civilians and overzealous security guards, strike. Take down the zombie before it becomes a bigger threat than it already is. You will undoubtedly be arrested because of all the security cameras in the place, but hopefully modern science can prove that this was a zombie and not a living person. That should be enough to get you acquitted.

What I would do:
This scenario actually almost happened to me once. You see, I was sitting in an airport, waiting for my flight to board when I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. All of the sudden, I was being tazed by a security guard and I was twenty yards from my seat. The only thing that was going through my mind was, “WTF? How did I get over here and when is this guy going to stop tazing me!?” Unfortunately, it wasn’t for a long while. I still have the burn marks on my butt. Here’s what happened.

When the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, something inside of my soul knew that a zombie was in the room. This triggered my IZRM (Immediate Zombie Response Mechanism). As I darted toward the zombie with the intention to kill, the security guard warned me to stop or else I would get tazed. Being a ruthless zombie killer, I did not stop and I got tazed. Even then I didn’t stop so I got tazed by the other security guard. At this point, I had so much electricity flowing through me, my muscles would not longer function and I had to stop. But what happened to the zombie?

Well, it wasn’t a zombie. It was Keith Richards. And the security guards were actually his body guards. Life can be funny sometimes.

Scenario:
It’s the beginning of the week and you have a plane to catch. Seriously, you have a ticket for one butt-in-seat and that plane waits for no man but Chuck Fucking Norris. Do you look like Chuck? No, so you’ve gotta run, but not too fast or else you’ll raise suspicion and be tackled by a man in plain clothes who’s not just happy to see you. Finally, you make it through security and bum-rush the terminal as the final moments count down. Hope you brought everything. Hope you didn’t forget some baggage. Hope you can fight the zombies pouring out of the nearby gate. Wait, what? What do you do?

What you should do:
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, zombies just can leave a mammah jammah alone, no matter how far they get. Obviously the security personnel overlooked the most dangerous weapon of all: zombie infection. Somebody down with the sickness must have made it through the last checkpoint before turning, and now a bunch of half-dead, over-burdened, over-exhausted travelers are mostly-dead, over-burdened, dumb zombies.

And you don’t have any weapons except for a pair of tweezers and a disposable razor. Damn security checkpoint, always taking away the means to protect oneself from other oneselves. Shit, you have to scramble for some sort of protection or try and beat the wave by getting to your plane in time. If you’re a good sprinter, I’d recommend that latter one, because in that case you get to leave the city before the shit really hits the fan and you’ll be going far enough away that you’ll find yourself with quite the head start. Assuming the zombiism hasn’t spread that far already.

If you can’t make the plane, then you don’t have a whole lot of choices. The bad thing about airport terminals is that they are designed to be both torturous and devoid of weapons. Fortunately, there are two things on your side: gift shops and kitchens. Also plain clothed security personnel with hummers. But if you can’t count on someone with a gun, grab a baseball bat from the local team and crush some skulls, or find something in the kitchen you wouldn’t want to fall on. It’s time to make due with what you’ve got, and that’s pretty crappy. Goodluck with that…

What I would do:
As few know that I am a professional bear wrestler, I’m sure it will come as a surprise to you that I once dominated a gorilla riding on the back of a 2 ton hippo. It was a sweet delicacy I’ll never forget. Being that as it may, I won’t be able to use those skills against a hoarde of zombies, at least not without the right kind of protection.

Ripping a page out of Jason Bourne’s memoirs, I’d run to the news stand and wrap nudey magazines around my arms, legs, and torso, effectively making a very attractive suit of paper armor and a walking billboard for Hugh Hefner propaganda. This kind of sensual flair will provide multiple layers of protection while also generating enough buzz that living humans will become immediately apparent through various physiological reactions. By quickly sorting out zombie from human, I’ll be able to let IZRM take over without worrying about a lack of reading material. With IZRM, I won’t even remember if I needed a weapon.

Oooh, you bad girl. You’re such a bad girl…

What’s better than waking up from total blackout covered in infectious blood? Waking up in a bathroom stall, that’s what. I’m pretty sure no one would let me on a plane, so after washing my face off, I’d probably just go get liquored up somewhere. Usually seems like a good idea, like a page out of Upton Sinclair… Or something. God I wish I were drunk right now.