We Hate Zombies

Title: Luncheon of the Dead (click to play)
Style: Top down strategy
Source: www.headmeatgames.com

When I was a kid, I used to have a lot of fun doing something that was one of two things: cruel or monotonous. I will never forget how fun it was to take that toad I caught and chuck him into the ditch water as hard as I could… over and over and over. The poor little guy bloated himself up with air so that he wouldn’t have to worry about trying to get to the surface but I didn’t know that. All I knew is that it was fun and the little bloated toad was cool looking.

Then again, I remember have a blast popping wheelies with my mountain bike in the park in an effort to score the longest ridden wheelie between me and my friend. We did it for hours and hours for an entire summer. The grass was gone and the little dirt path we carved into the Earth was more than three inches below the rest of the ground. It was great fun and I don’t regret any of it.

Now that I am an adult, however, I find fun in other things as well. Particularly interesting to me are games that deal with strategy. Games that use parts of the brain that aren’t entertained by violence or monotony are great fun. I feel that victory is that much sweeter when it was because the way you played your cards was so much better than the other guy that he quit and cried to his mommy. Who cares if the kid is only seven. I still beat him like a bitch.

I like playing Guitar Hero because of the monotony. I like playing Grand Theft Auto 4 because I can run up to a stranger and completely beat the crap out of him for no other reason than to watch him flop around until he doesn’t. But nothing takes the cake like Halo. I like playing Halo because it is not all about pointing and shooting first. It is about skill and strategy (I prefer double team.)

And then Luncheon of the Dead pops up. At first, I figured it would be another one of those lame violence inspired zombie games that are a dime a dozen. Yeah, I have fun with them, but once you play one, you can stop because the rest are the same with varying degrees of shitty sound. Then, when the screen loaded, I saw the layout of the game and read some instructions. I figured it would be just another one of those turret defense type games that are a blast to play, but again they are very similar. But after playing for a couple of minutes, I found out that the zombies are not corralled. They care not where the columns of debris lead them because they can just tear that shit down. Where the humans are is where the zombies try to go. Now you have to evolve your thinking and play a game of strategy. Let me explain.

You are the leader of 9 people stuck in a mall with three stores and a front door. One store is a pharmacy which yields med kits. One store is a sporting goods store and that can give you ammo. The final store is a dollar store (my personal favorite) and yields nothing but debris that will be used to block the zombies. To get the goods, you have to have someone scrounge for them which means that anywhere from zero to nine men can be used to gather ammo, health, and debris. One person cannot do all three however because they can only be in one store at one time.

Now, the ammo is used to kill zombies. Duh. The med kits are used for health. Duh. The debris is used to slow down zombies. Duh. Now that you understand the importance of all three, you realize that all three are essential to survival. On top of this, you can upgrade your men to shoot faster, do more damage, take more damage, or scrounge better. You can also upgrade your debris to last longer. These upgrades cost ammo, health kits and debris. And you can level them up multiple times too. On top of this, each man is independent of the rest as far as upgrades so micromanaging is a must. You also get some Molotov cocktails that are like bombs and will clear a large area of zombies. You can upgrade that to do more area which is badass.

Armed with this knowledge, you have to survive. That is the only purpose of the game. If you upgrade too much too fast, you run out of ammo and can’t shoot. Or you run out of debris and the zombies just walk in and waste you. If you don’t upgrade fast enough, you will soon find yourself dead because the zombies become more powerful as time goes on. As you can see, the strategy factor starts to pile on very quickly. On top of all this is the cherry - where to place your men so that they can kill the quickest without putting themselves in too much danger.

I loved this game and thought it was brilliant. The graphics are simple but sufficient. The sound did not leave an impression on me so I loved it. The playability is through the roof. I have to admit that I spent way too much time on this game (hint: its more than 3 hours in my first sitting.) Was I satisfied when I got done? Hell yes because I wasted about four million zooks with my nine guys trapped in a mall. If that doesn’t make Leonides’s balls shrink up into his body, then he must get his drinks at Lesbos. Once you play the game, you will know what I mean and why you can easily spend 3 hours playing it without realizing it.

Game Score:

Graphics:		2
Sound:		5?
Fun Factor:		5
Satisfaction:		5
Total:

Scenario:
You had an unnatural urge for fish sticks, but not just any old fish sticks will do. You need six pounds of fish sticks. In a bad way. But where in the world are you going to find such large quantities of fish sticks? Your local Wal-Mart.

**Ten Minutes Later**

You’re bear hugging the large bag of fish sticks and its giving you frost burn, you think. You’re waiting in line so that you can lawfully pay for the food, but it hasn’t stopped you from indulging early. “Oh sweet frozen fish sticks, how I’ve dreamt of you for so long” is all that is going through your mind. Then you realize what night it is. Thursday night and The Dark Knight opens in the morning and you’ve got reviews to read. Luckily, you’ve got plenty of magazines at your greasy fingertips.

As you flip through the pages, a lot of uninteresting news articles distract you from the prize at hand, Batman! All of the sudden, you see a headline out of the corner of your eyes: Hulk Hogan: A Dangerous Drug Zombie. Oh sweet jesus, NOOOO!!!!! What do you do?

What you should do:
Normally I would tell you to run home, lock the doors and windows, and arm yourself to the teeth. Unfortunately, this is not the usual circumstances. We may have a zombie Hulk on the loose and you can’t mess around with that. The only thing that could really battle something like that would be an Andre the Giant zombie, but that is not something that I want to even imagine. Think about it. It’s like trying to replace rotten apples with rotten oranges. Except these oranges eat babies. No dice.

The only real option that you have is to get on a boat and hide in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The only thing that can help you is miles of salt water beneath your feet. Because the hulk is such a brute, swimming is not his strong suit. On top of that, zombies do not really swim so well in general, so if the Pacific Ocean is not an option, any nearby water will have to do. Lakes and rivers would be suitable. Ponds will not. Remember that and it might save your life.

What I would do:
Believe it or not, this has been foretold. Deep inside the recesses of the NSA is a private sector that watches the zombie threat level. On a regular day without zombies, its pea green, which means safe. If zombies are detected, the status stays on green because regular zombies are something that can be dealt with, as long as the right people are involved. The two of us are included in such company. However, there are some special cases that will raise the threat level from green to various other colors. The very next level has been reached.

As I said, the default level is pea green which means that everything is manageable. Hulk Hogan becoming a zombie is a cataclysmic event in and of itself and is enough to raise the threat level to a blasé blue. In fact, it’s the only way to raise the level from green to blue. The shear terror that this zombie would create is unimaginable and will cause people to freeze in fear, thus making them easy targets for slow moving zombies. Hell, its been said that his direct stare can change a perfectly healthy man into a dirty, stinking zombie. Now that’s scary. As for the rest of the threat levels, all will be revealed in time.

Scenario:
Freedom. You’re cruising down the busy interstate after work, heading toward the city and laughing at the traffic jam that’s slowly headed out. The last Bette Midler CD is blasting on the stereo, you have a night of drinking ahead of you, and life is good. The car jerks violently and a loud crash shatters your reflective serenity and your car’s back windshield. You slow down, fighting the wheel to keep the car on the road, and look in your rearview mirror to see what the heck just happened. A body is on the ground, trying to get up. Then you notice the dozens of people jumping off the overpass as if to attack the cars passing below. But those aren’t people anymore… they’re zombies. What do you do?

What you should do:
Consider yourself lucky as hell. Not only did the zombie roll of the back of your car instead of rolling into your front seat, but you managed to get in front of the wave. The zombie infection has spread to massive proportions if they have reached the interstate and they must have no other victims in sight if they are dive-bombing traffic.

Another five minutes, or even thirty seconds, earlier and you would have been stuck behind the multi-car pileup that would have occurred when cars tried to avoid the falling bodies. What do you think would happen to the people that get out of their cars to try and help? What about the people who stay in their cars, gridlocked without weapons or a defensible position. I’m afraid the shit has just hit the fan, the interstates are clogged, and too late you realize that people aren’t leaving the city because it’s the end of the work day.¹ Sadly, you’re still on the road into the city, into the maws of the beast, and you’ve been caught unawares.

As always, find a weapon. If you’re one of those who are too nervous to carry an arsenal in your car, then you’ll probably have to settle for a tire iron, but try and be creative and make the best of what you have. Then turn on the radio until you find something other than static and screaming. You need to find out where the zombies are. If there’s a safe way out by going forward an exit or two, you should take it, but you’ll need the news to let you know. Also, pay attention to military outposts or movements as they will provide a destination if you’re unable to move out on your own.

If you figure out a safe path, do what you have to do to get out alive, but be quick about it. While you’re listening to the radio, meat-bags are hitting the pavement behind you, and some of those are going to get up again. If you don’t have a safe path, you have to act even faster. The only way out that you know is relatively safe is the way you came in, though even that might not be so safe now. The problem is the barricade of zombies and burning wreckage between you and the accumulating traffic jam beyond.

Search out the weakest point in that barricade, turn your car around, and prepare for the imminent collision. Your best hope is that you find a weak spot near the edge and that you can push through with your car fast enough enough that zombies won’t fall like rain on your hood. Drive quickly, but be aware that you may be stunned or knocked unconscious by an impact at high speeds. If you make it through, your car will be practically useless. The clogged roads will be horrible, especially when people start panicking. Ditch the car and take off on foot, moving as quickly as you can.²

What I would do:
A lot of people don’t realize that the Japanese are engineering geniuses when it comes to cars. Somehow Toyota managed to squeeze an entire tank into the chassis of a Toyota Corolla, making the high MPG car almost invincible to attack. The only concession they made was the removal of the main cannon and auxiliary guns, leaving the car without a primary defensive mechanism.³ That is, except for my shotgun.

The good thing about wrecks is that there’s always a ramp of twisted metal somewhere, and the good thing about cars is that they always explode if you shoot them in the rump. Knowing this, I’d do a 180 and turn my car around, then slam on the gas toward that ramp. With the car hurtling toward certain flight, I’d turn around slightly and lean my shotgun out the window. The car would hit the ramp, sending me airborne over the zombie-crowded bridge, whereupon I would fire two rounds into the tail of two cars, causing the bridge to explode into a conflagration. That fire would purge the swath of zombies crowded amongst the lanes above and buy the people below a little more time.

Sadly, the Toyota would certainly crash and, even if it didn’t, would be useless in the traffic beyond. If you were lucky enough to escape too, you’d see me running ahead of you, shotgun sweeping every car along the way. Shit, that’s a long way to run. Good thing I’ve broken in my combat boots.

¹ Drivers that turn into zombies whilst driving will likely be unable to wander about due to their seatbelts and the cage of the car itself. Still, don’t count on it.
² Only warn people who are behind you so that no one gets in your way. It’s a cold, harsh world we live in. Zombies love philanthropists just as much as everyone else; they just can’t get enough of them.
³ Also, they replaced the treads with wheels, making it a little less capable of conquering terrain.
⁴ Hidden footnote: I don’t normally recommend a motorcycle, but this is one case in which it might be very useful. Try to steal one from someone who ran off or isn’t looking or something.

Scenario:
You’re enjoying a hometown basketball game when it happens. You crave nachos. To alleviate this craving, you head toward the concession stand, because this ain’t no fancy hotel of a basketball court where they bring the nachos to you, you have to go get them yourself. On your way to the nacho hut, which is conveniently located in the dead center between the two doorways (which happen to be on opposite walls) that lead out of the stadium, you hear a scream. In the door to your left stands a zombie; in the door to your right stands a giant grizzly bear eating a kid. What do you do?

What You Should Do:
I know it is going to be hard, but the first course of action is to leave the nacho hut, sans nachos. What really makes this a hard thing to do isn’t the fact that nachos are one of the Chosen Foods, but the fact that they are having a special on General Tao’s Chicken Nachos tonight: buy one get a free miniature sword. Damn this crazy ball of dirt we call home!!!

Oddly enough, this is an old building that hasn’t had a fire code inspection in a couple of decades, and those are the only two exits in the entire building. The choice is tough, but you have to choose between a bear with no problems eating people, or a zombie who exists solely for that purpose. You choose….the bear. While the bear is a ferocious killing machine, there is always going to be just one bear. He may get distracted by someone larger and more tender than you are, which could allow you an opportunity to slip by. The zombie has the potential to multiply in numbers, multiplying the danger factor exponentially. Plus, it’s a freaking zombie.

The best course of action for getting out of there alive is simple: you have no friends or family. It doesn’t matter who you came to the game with, you don’t have any friends or family. Friends and family only slow you down and get you killed. Let them figure it out. If they love you enough, they won’t get killed.

What I Would Do:
Immediately, I would have a plan of action: get some freaking nachos. I know its risky and a panic might be diverted if I were able to head off this attack before the general public realized what was going on, but I am not just talking about chips and cheese here folks. I’m talking about the great General combining his powers with the cheese and tortilla chips. Need I say more?

After acquiring said nachos, I notice something about the bear. It’s a dude. Luckily, I have the tools at my disposal and leap into action immediately. At full speed, I run straight at the zombie (I never would have guessed it either!) and pull out a vial from my shotgun holster. The vial contains a sample of bear urine, from a female in heat, and I spray it all over the zombie. This will drive the bear into a frenzy and he will charge toward the zombie without any regard to the humans in the area.

The reasoning behind this is simple: bears are scary and people are dumb. They are going to run toward the zombie door to get away from the bear, even though the zombie is the greater danger. By bringing the bear away from his doorway and into the zombie’s doorway, I have contained all the danger to one area AND freed a door for people to escape.

Now, all I have to worry about is the zombie and the bear, which may become the dreaded zombie-bear at any moment. Luckily for me, zombies do not fancy animals so much and is less likely to bite the bear. The bear is frothing at the mouth by now in anticipation of serving some bear jelly and is unlikely to tear into the zombie, immediately. This will give me the time I need to kill them both with the free miniature sword I received from the nachos purchase. It won’t be easy to kill a horny grizzly bear with a dull miniature sword, but by God I am going to do it. Total loss of life if executed properly: one bear. All in all, it’s a good day for some nachos.

Scenario:
It’s deer hunting season, and you’ve braved the weather and the trigger-happy hillbillies so you can get back to your roots and kill some nature.  Well, part of killing nature’s most herbalicious is sitting around in trees like a monkey, drinking beer like a German, and occassionally talk small cat-naps.  Well, you’ve hit a triple and stole home, which basically means you passed out in your little tree house vomiting 12 feet above the ground.  Normally I’d pat you on the back and say good job, but you just woke up and much to everyone’s surprise, there’s a deer right below you.  And a thousand zombies.  What do you do?

What you should do:
Well that’s what you get for sleeping on the job, drinking so much your IZRM fails to kick in until your fate is practically sealed.  Had you awoken at the first crack of a twig or rustle of leaves, you would have been able to pick off the zombie or two with your hunting rifle, then make your escape before you were sealed in with a sea of cold pallid flesh.  That’s what you should have done, but no, now it’s too late; you’ve gone and made it difficult for yourself.  Idiot.

Your best bet now is that all those zombies were only a few other hapless people who were caught unawares.  City and country folk alike can be taken down by the undead menace, so if you’re of the country, don’t think you have some sort of mumbo-jumbo immunity to zombiism or stupidity.  With that in mind, we’re hoping that the hillbillies haven’t succumbed to the deathless ways and are still holding on to the shotguns they were born with.  They’ll know how to handle an intruder, and it won’t be with a toy poodle.

Since they know what season it is, hunters and hillbillies alike won’t be able to resist checking out your score.  Did you score?  Not today, but it doesn’t matter.  Shoot the deer if you want, but that doesn’t matter either.  You just have to sound like you’ve killed a forty point buck.  Hoop, holler, shoot some bullets into the sky (because you know those bullets won’t save you unless you save one for yourself).  Attract enough attention, and you’ll draw enough armed people to mow down a small country.  Which they will.

What I would do:
Ever hear of the National Wild Turkey Federation?  Me neither, not till they banned me from competition, for life, after summoning the sheer power of twenty thousand wild turkeys down upon a small turkey-calling competition outside of a town I like to call Nevada.  And that was just my warm-up.  What’s a few deaths and several million dollars in damage to a man who’s just won a turkey calling competition?  Not much, and I would know.

What’s this have to do with anything related to zombies?  One, it shows how awesome I am at anything I do.  Two, it’s my way out, my escape plan, my backdoor through Death’s backyard.  Remember how Gandalf escaped from the roof of the evil Saruman’s tower?  He talked to some kind of moth thing, which brought some kind of griffin or super-sized eagle bird thing, and he jumped on the back of that bird and took the last train out of Dodge.  Well, what’s a couple truck-sized birds compared to 10 million chickens and turkeys?

With my earth-shattering bird call, I’ll draw the attention of so much out-of-season bird-meat that the zombies will be swamped with avian allies.  Then I’ll use twigs and leaves to fashion a harness tied to 50 turkeys, and those great birds will fly (but not far) and drag me out of danger, away from the zombies.  Eat that Captain Jack.  The final step will be to convince the military that terrorists are plotting a vicous attack against our food supply by making rain and destroying levees.  Nothin smells like napalm in the morning.