We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
You are wounded in battle with a horde of zombies, but not bitten or clawed. A fellow zombie killer shot you in the right kidney during an untimely panic attack and you blacked out. When you came to, the pain was intolerable and the survivors were nowhere to be seen. You tried to call for help and stand, but all you could do was moan loudly and wiggle around on the ground, covering yourself with your own blood and dirt. Then, from out of the bush comes a rugged looking guy holding an axe and wearing a shirt that says “LAMBO” in big letters. He takes you for a zombie and intends to kill you. What do you do?

What you should do:
Considering the fact that zombies do not and will never be able to talk, simply speak to the kind fellow and he will surely spare your life. There is an outside chance that he is deaf, but this would really work against him in a zombie apocalypse and he would most likely be dead at this point. Surely he speaks English, but nobody can guarantee that these days, so shout at him in a few different languages so that he gets the idea. This should save your life.

There is also another terrifying situation that may prove troublesome for you. If the man saw his entire life (his family, his dog, his lawn dart set) consumed by a zombie horde, he may be mad with hatred and kill anything in his path that could be a zombie. Even if you speak to him and he understands, the fact that you remind him of a zombie could drive him insane and he could cut off your head. For this, I have no solution. Good Luck.

What I would do:
I believe that all zombie killers have one thing in common. They all kill zombies and love peanut butter. For this reason, I always have a peanut butter sandwich stuffed in my left sock just in case I need it. This is one of those situations. I would muster the strength to pull the sandwich out of my sock and simple say, “I made this for you LAMBO.” He will see the sandwich and fall in love with me, reducing the risk of him dispatching me. Even if he is insane with hatred, this could break the spell. If not, then I would simple destroy him with a bazooka.

Scenario:
You’ve just picked up a fresh copy of Guitar Hero: Metallica and you’ve been playing it for about twenty minutes. You are right in the middle of a fresh-melt-your-face-off shred when zombies come crashing through your kitchen windows. You’ve got the music up so loud and you are kicking so much fucking ass that beads of concentration sweat are rolling down your back, soaking the blood stained Slayer T-Shirt you have on. Also, you don’t hear the zombies coming in. What do you do?

What you should do:
Whenever you are playing Guitar Hero, you should always block the door into your room with something. Most people use a chair or a dresser or a large pile of dirty clothes, but you could also use a giant bag of charcoal or something. One sweet thing about doing that is that you can get annoyed at the zombies when they try to break into your room. This will probably alert you to their presence and you can come up with a strategy from there.

If you don’t block the door, or lock it for that matter, then you should probably set up a security system for your house so that if zombies break in through any window in the place, it cuts the power to your XBox. Then you know something is up when you look up from the black screen with only a half melted face.

Finally, you should have an escape plan for when they do try to break down the door. Windows are probably not the safest route out because more zombies might be waiting out there. Have a secret door in the floor so that you can escape through the crawl space. This gives you pretty good odds of escaping the city alive.

What I would do:
I have a pretty badass set of speakers that I hook up to the old Xbox whenever I play Guitar Hero. This would be no different. Whenever the zombies break in, I would sense them with the Z-sense that I have developed. Whenever a zombie is near, my testicles climb back into my abdomen for a couple of really good reasons. It helps me be less vulnerable to pokes in the crotch and I am less likely to snag them on anything while I am running, jumping, and scaling twelve foot barbed wire fences. Anywho, when this happens and I am playing Guitar Hero, I would pump up the volume on those bad boys to bone shattering (that’s just two clicks above 1,000,000 on the volume nob) and play the solo finale of One. This would guarantee that the zombies don’t make it through the door, where I would then be dry humping the plastic guitar that I love so much.

Scenario:

You’re out walking your little mutt, just like you always have to right before bed so it can sniff the shit out of things until a dookie pops out and you can get some sleep.  It’s a windy night, but you think nothing of it.  No one’s on the street.  The trees are swaying violently, and your dog is thinking it’s time to poop a deuce so you can go in when it gets distracted by something in the shadows.  Soon it’s growling, teeth bared, looking at something you can’t see.  Suddenly, a black blur dashes out of the darkness towards your pup and you instinctively enact operation field goal and kick the fucker 20 feet through the air.  It smacks into the neighbor’s door, which swings open slightly.  There are more dark shapes around you, closing in on you.  Zombie dogs.  Shitfuckdamn, this is bad.  What do you do.

What you should do:

You don’t have much time to formulate a plan, so you have to be quick about the way of things.  First off, zombie dogs, or zogs, are a bad deal.  Ever outrun a dog?  Yeah, me neither.  Ever hear that story about how a normal dog ate a woman’s face off?  Me too, and that was a normal dog.  So, you’re obviously fucked if you think you’re going to out-run or out-fight a pack of zombie dogs.

Fortunately, the first zog made a b-line straight for your own loved and cherished mutt, which should give you a little idea.  Besides, if you don’t make it, who else is going to feed your dog?  Nothing left to do but pick up the mother goose, launch it like a pie at a far-off midget and hope it flies off to safety somewhere, distracting all the other dogs while you make a break for it.

Not that cold and heartless?  Can’t convince yourself that God gave your little Flufficans wings to fly to doggy heaven?  Then you’ll have to change your line of thinking.  If you can’t carry your dog, you don’t have so many options, but let’s hope you atleast can carry a cell-phone.  Think of the dog’s primary enemy: the cat.  What does an endangered cat do?  Climb a god damn tree, thats’ what, and that’s exactly what you have to do if you want to keep your legs below the knee.  With dog in hand, climb the nearest tree you can find, but if you can choose one that is growing close enough to a building/house that you could get on a roof, that would be excellent.  If you make it that high, go to your speed dial entry for “Party Time” and get some backup with the guns you should have had with you.

What I would do:

Seriously, what good is a dog if it can’t protect you from a few zombie bitches?  Quite clearly my dogs would be clad in fucking steel plates, walking down the street like a real son of a bitch bad ass just lookin for shit to tear up.  My dogs would know what to do even before I did, and boy-howdy you wouldn’t see a show like that even if Michael Vick were calling the shots.  Do I beat my dogs to make them fight?  No, they would fight because I’m so awesome to my dogs, and that will make them fight even stronger.  Why did the 300 Spartans kick Persian ass all the way to the top of a mountain of dead?  A reason to fight better than fear.

Sadly, I suppose we must assume I’m walking someone else’s lame dogs.  This means I don’t really give a rats ass about em, and I launch them into the darkness like Juggernaut protecting the source of his powers.  But, do I let a poor Fido go quietly into that cold bitter night and do nothing?  Mother Fucker.  As soon as that gang of zogs turns tail to feast on steaming guts, I would grab the nearest street sign and yank that shit from the ground with the strength of a thousand adrenaline crazed  junkies, and I would hunt those scroungy zogs down until every last one was crushed into the cracks of the pavement.  There will be no limit to the devastation I will bring down upon them.

Until I’m done, that is, in which case I’ll go back to wherever it is I came from and act like nothing happened, particularly the fact that I used to be walking a dog.

Scenario:
Christmas shopping is something some people make an art of.  Other people could care less about art and wait to buy the crap they give to others the day before it’s due.  In fact, that’s most people, and because of this the malls are full of shoppers running like they’re three hours late for school and they missed the bus.  Some people are crying, some people had to settle for canned brussel sprouts, and some people just look sad and confused.  Ah, now that’s Christmas spirit right there.

Well, you thought you had all your bases covered, that is until someone reminded you of a distant relative who never shows up for Christmas but is going to show up this year.  Now you have to scramble to buy whatever’s left on the shelves and you find yourself surrounded by mobs of poo laden people in the mall.  Of course zombies would hit then, in the mall.  So cliche, but still.  What do you do?

What you should do:
If you haven’t yet, I would recommend you go out right now and rent both ‘Dawn of the Dead’ movies and watch them in their entirety whilst taking notes and shooting jello shots.  This is my normal routine for any given night, which is why this question seems kind of absurd to me.  I could resolve this scenario in a drunken stupor, but I digress.

If you’ve missed the movies so far, you’re sadly equipped to handle this situation, but there’s still hope.  As always you can find the nearest sporting goods store and convince some people to help you make a stand against the waves of the undead.  This is probably a good idea, but you have to get people’s trust and obedience quickly at a time when people are already freaking out about the holidays and will be even more freaking out when they see the dead latching on to someone’s neck.

People would freak the shit out.  Some would still be trying to keep track of their packages, figuring they had to fight for them against the living, they’re sure as hell not going to give them up without a fight against the dead.  Admirable, perhaps, but foolish, unless those gifts happen to be of the kind that shoot hot metal.

If you don’t know where the sporting goods are, your next best bet is to run orthogonal to the flow of people.  The people will most likely be running from zombies but also will be piling up in a massive heap at the exits.  These massive heaps are a bad place to be since zombies love to jump on the pile.  Also, if zombies are inside, chances are good zombies are outside, so people will be trying to get in as much as out.  That is bad news, so go sideways in the direction people are not going, then find a store with a maintenance exit, loading dock, etc.  Every store has some back way out.

What I would do:
I never ask myself why I get drunk and wander into malls, but it happens sometimes.  I get thrown out sometimes too, but there’s a high turn over rate of security guards so it doesn’t really matter.  Nonetheless, I could resolve this scenario in a drunken stuper.

So the zombies are wandering around the mall in that kind of slow gait they have.  I’m not particularly threatened by them, so I hijack one of those golf carts security people usually drive me out in and take off.  I stay near the middle of the lanes so people can jump out of the way to either side, but also so that zombies can’t jump out from behind something and immediately be a threat.  With my little buggy of doom, I’d head off to the sporting equipment place.  I know where it is, just like I know where Victoria’s Secret is, and there I load up on weapons of the usual sort.  Also, I get a high power spotlight.

Then it’s just like my annual deer hunting trips.  Shine a light in their eyes, then shoot, then repeat.  It’s pretty straightforward really.  After a while I’d probably get bored or overrun, at which point I would make my escape, probably through a vent in the ceiling but maybe out a back door if I still felt I could walk into a store without something jumping on me from behind a corner.

Also, I wasn’t at the mall to get gifts.  I bought them online just to avoid any kind of zombie threat.  Zombies don’t ruin Christmas, people acting dumb ruins Christmas.

Title: Letum (click to play)
Style: Mindless Shooter
Source: www.nutstation.com

I’ve seen some zombie games in my time, and this, sir, is a zombie game. Bit of a weird one though. Far as I can tell, you play a redneck hillbilly in the midst of his swampy kingdom, fighting off zombies with a gun or two and about a million magical bullets that come from no where. No need to reload, no need to worry about strategy a whole lot. Nice, simple, zombie killin fun.

The weird part is that you jump around like a god damned jack rabbit, and you can jump off zombies heads and shoot them from above the clouds. Kind of weird, but you get bonus points for killing two or more zombies before hitting the ground, so I guess that’s a cool thing. Sort of. When you die, there’s an animated cut scene of a zombie knocking your head off. That part kind of sucks. I didn’t die because I lost, just to see what it was like. That’s kind of the biggest motivation for me to do anything. Wait, what?

The perks in this game are as few as the drawbacks, but I did enjoy the non-stop action and jumping around. It was a bit of a twist on the generic shooter game, and I thought that was ok. There are power-ups you can get occasionally to add life and such, and hitting zombies in the head tends to throw chunks on the ground. I like that. Makes me feel like I accomplish something even when I haven’t killed the zombie. Makes me feel like I could play a little longer. Kind of like gambling.

All in all in all, not too bad of a game. Addictive, a little, but not too much. Not too fancy, but not too dumb either. Good stuff.

Game Score:

Graphics:		3.0
Sound:		?
Fun Factor:		3.5
Satisfaction:		3.0
Total: