We Hate Zombies

Title: Zombie Tower Defense (click to play)
Style: Top-Down Strategy
Source: ZombieHead.org

Considering everything, I thought today would be a good day to review a game that could get your juices flowing. Mind juices, that is. A little bit of a strategy game is what I’m saying, so that makes today Strategy Friday. (For all readers from the Future, today is Friday. If you don’t agree because of your time warps, you can go f#!@ your self.)

So what does the Strategy Friday Stork bring to our door step? Zombie. Tower. Defense. … ! Like the build up there? Good, because that’s the most excitement you’ll get out of the game.

Zombie Tower Defense is your typical tower defense game. You just shoot at zombies, and by you, I mean your towers, strategically placed and upgraded. There are some different types of zombies and blah blah, but really it’s just the run-of-the-mill tower defense game. There isn’t a whole lot of special stuff going on, as in none. You could be shooting at anything, anything at all. Babies, Marshmellow men, boxes of crackerjacks. Anything, and this game would still be the same.

Which, fortunately, is alright, because all tower defense games are fun as long as you feel like you’re winning. Unfortunately, this game doesn’t really bring with it the whole satisfaction of annihilating zombies thing, so it loses points there. Oh well, at least it doesn’t crash my computer.

Game Score:

Graphics:		2.0
Sound:		?
Fun Factor:		2.0
Satisfaction:		1.0
Total:

Title: Zed Town (click to play)
Style: Top-Down Shooter
Source: http://npgam.es/

In ZedTown, or Zed Town, or whatever, you get to play a guy with a gun. This is actually not unusual for zombie games; in fact, it’s pretty standard. As this standard guy, you move around some maps and shoot zombies in the dark because you’re apparently a vampire and can’t hunt zombies at sun-up. Or there are no windows in this town, I don’t know, but every map requires a flashlight and is dark as hell.

As this quite standard guy running around dark standard houses in Zed Town, you’re task is to clear the building/town of zombies and otherwise rock out. I don’t know why you would want to cleanse a village with no other survivors, so the whole premise is kind of dumb to me. Why not go find some other survivors, then clear a town? Why take the risks on yourself? Why be so standard? And dark? And alone?

And hopeless?

Shooting zombies is good fun, I suppose, but every zombie game has some good-fun-shooting-zombies thing going for it. And, at that, there are only a small selection of guns that aren’t terribly exciting. Standard, really, except reloading some of them requires reloading one bullet at a time. Kind of a pain, actually.

Unfortunately, I kind of hated this game because I couldn’t have any fun running around in the dark with a flashlight. Maybe if I was playing at night it would be a different story. Maybe if I had the sound on I would have been able to hear the direction of the zombies without having to see them. But I doubt it. No, I think this game is just a good try at making a better game, and if killing zombies is the most enjoyable thing your game has to offer, why make it so hard to do? If realism was the goal, who would realistically choose to fight in the dark?

And what the hell is with that white box on the left side? Could the contrast be any more painful to stare at?

The only thing I did like was that each building had a little sub-story blurb you could read before jumping into it. This didn’t really help set the mood or anything, but it was kind of fun to see other people write about zombies. And the end of the world. Like me.

Game Score:

Graphics:		1.0
Sound:		?
Fun Factor:		1.5
Satisfaction:		1.5
Total:

Title: Zombie Mayhem (click to play)
Style: Side-View Shooter
Source: Sun-Studios.net

This zombie game is a little different than most. First, you play a kid with a bow and arrow as the only weapon, and some sadistic fuck has tied up all your friends in a field, right on the other side of a zombie spawning pool.

If you wait too long to shoot, the zombies will jump on you like a fat kid on a box of tootsie-rolls, but if you shoot too much you’ll inevitably spear the friends whose very lives you would die trying to protect. When you do, the guilt and remorse is so stunning that you choose to forsake the rest of your friends and let the zombies rip into your stack of flapjacks. That’s the sad ending and the struggle of your existence. In this game, but also in real life.

While the game is simple, without the flair of weapons or struggle against various indestructible foes, it’s simplicity is what makes it so damn addictive. You can jump into a game, and after killing a few kids you end up getting the hang of it no problem. Then it’s not about the skills of using weapons and running around, but just a simple test of speed and exactness. Like zombie tetris, and I get a god damn tetris every time.

I thought this game was awesome and almost lost my job over it. I almost wet my pants because I couldn’t stop playing to go to the bathroom, and then I almost wet my pants because I was so excited. Do I think shooting a zombie with a bow and arrow is a good idea? No, hell no, but this game makes it fun and enjoyable, so who fudging cares.

If you don’t like, I hope you get tied up to a post on the other side of a zombie spawning pool.

Game Score:

Graphics:		3.0
Sound:		?
Fun Factor:		4.5
Satisfaction:		4
Total:

Scenario:
So you decided to steal some money from the mafia when you didn’t think they were looking? What’s the big deal anyway? One second you were happily eating a slice of pizza and whistling “Walking on Sunshine” and the next minute you don’t have any fingernails and you are wearing a freshly poured set of concrete sneakers. Just when the thugs were planning to push you into the river, a disgusting horde of zombies comes sauntering over the hill on the other side of the bridge. The two thugs take off, leaving you there to deal with the undead. What do you do?

What you should do:
You do have a few options, but you have to be quick-minded and astute. You need to look at your surroundings. You will need to find a stick or cane or something long. Next, is there a car or bike or some sort of vehicle that you could attempt an escape with? Since you are on a bridge, chances are you won’t have anything near, but it’s worth a look. If there is a car nearby, quickly hobble over to it by lifting each leg with the help of your arms. Once you are there, break into the car or just open the door. Once you get the car running, shift into first and use the stick to control the pedals. You don’t have to be graceful about it, just get the hell out.

If you can’t find a stick, use your hands to control the pedals the best you can. Again, you don’t have to be real quick, so let the car drive itself at 10 mph if you need to and just hit the gas on the hills so you don’t wreck. There shouldn’t be a reason to use the break. It is up to you when it is safe to ditch the car.

If you can’t find a car or anything else that would work, see how fast you can move without one. If it looks like the zombies are going to overtake you and there is no chance of salvation, then it is time to pay for your sins. Get to the edge of the bridge and heave yourself over the edge. I am pretty sure that drowning sucks, but it has to be better than being turned into a zombie. Especially a zombie who can’t even move.

What I would do:
Not a lot of people know this, but I have a special ability that would help me escape a situation like this. You see, whenever I will it to happen, I can make my feet swell up so big that a little kid once told me that I have pig for feet. This would help me escape because the cement shoes would be much too large when I willed my feet to return to normal size.

Once I am free of the shoes, I would walk to the end of the bridge and wait until all of the zombies have come upon me. Then I would begin to whisper in elvish and call upon my brother the river to delivery a wall of water twenty feet tall to wipe the earth clean of the zombie menace. Once the zombie apocalypse is taken care of, I would head down to the bank owned by the mafia and request a sum of money equal to everything in the vault. Hell, I figure they won’t be paying attention because they will be preparing for the zombie invasion that the thugs saw coming.

Title: Endless Zombie Rampage 2 (click to play)
Style: Top-Down RPG-ish
Source: CrazyMonkeyGames

Like one of the previous zombie games we played, Endless Zombie Rampage 2 is a game with a lot of guns and a lot of options. However, I would go so far as to wager that this game is more bad-ass fried chicken than the last. Let me explain.

Endless Zombie Rampage 2 is a top down murder-she-wrote kind of game made for people with a quick mouse button and balls of steel. I’ll admit I didn’t have time to explore the secrets of everything, but I know there are different types of gameplay: in one type, you go on quests or missions or whatever and have to do certain things to progress, like moving crates or saving people or murdering cold dead bastards.

Survival is one of the other modes, and it was my favorite for all the obvious reasons that make babies cry all the damn time. Now, in Survival, there’s no purpose but to kill zombies, which means that you pretty much live my life when you’re playing this game. This is like that movie “Being John Malkovich” or whatever, except it’s not. It’s “Being Matt Somebody: Yeah, really, who is that guy anyway?”

So you run around the map killing zombies, and you have a sweet ass fort made of crap and two giant turret guns, and I guess you’re in the middle of a parking lot or something, but whatever. In any case, you bust out the gates to gun some folks down with your pistol to gain experience, and with your experience you can buy new weapons, health, or powerups. Powerups are sweet. New weapons are sweet. Health is ok.

Now, while you’re in your fort giggling over the weapons and whatever, the turrets are outside stealing your kills and the zombies are evolving into all sorts of Nasty, so you have to stay on top of that outbreak or else you’ll soon find you don’t have the experience to deal with the situation. Granted, if you’re like me, you’d just as soon go off into the sunset to live by the law of the bullet, but you can only buy shit in your fort so that’s kind of important.

Another thing: when you shoot your weapons, the screen shakes. Not enough to be annoying, but enough to give you the illusion of kickback traveling up your arm and working out a chubby. That’s an awesome kind of illusion.

Easily, by far, one of the most enjoyable zombie shooter games I’ve reviewed. To the Programmer(s) of this game, good job. I hope you have a donut in celebration and also in rememberance of me.

Game Score:

Graphics:		4.0
Sound:		?
Fun Factor:		4.5
Satisfaction:		5
Total: