We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
Like a badass, you have a game room in your basement oddly situated next to a bunch of tools across the room, including a crowbar, hacksaw, and some battery powered shit. Maybe you have a garage in your basement, maybe your wife just hates your things and wants it trapped in the downstairs, whatever. Also, you have a computer down there too, which you only ever use just for watching pr0n while you play a game of pool. Which is what you’re doing.

But then something in the back of your mind triggers a heightened sense of awareness, and you begin to hear the sounds of distant screaming. Oh baby, this is what you’ve always dreamt of, time for some action! Except you can hear they’re already in your house. And they’re already infecting your wife. Holy shit! They’re already coming down into your man cave and are between you and all your possible weapons! What do you do?

What you should do:
Pull your pants up and fasten your safety belt, cause it’s time to rock! As a reminder to everyone who doesn’t remember every word that I’ve ever preached, there’s no such thing as being separated from all possible weapons. As soon as you stand up, you should immediately become aware that all your junk no longer has meaning beyond what damage it can inflict on an infected rotten turd muncher.

At your desk, you understand the world is over and that the computer will soon lose power forever. First weapon: the computer. Without a computer, the desk is nothing. Second weapon: the desk. Then you realize you don’t have time to sit down anymore. Third weapon: the chair. And you never really played pool anyway cause you suck really bad at it. Fourth weapon: pool sticks, the cue ball, America.

Without knowing the meaning of fear, you should smash that sticky keyboard into the teeth of the first blood-thirsty zombie, knocking him backward onto his ass. Then throw the chair across the room and trip up the three zombies still coming down the stairs. The pool balls are worthless to you, but grab two pool sticks and overturn the table onto the toothless downed dead bastard still struggling to get up.

Two wooden spears in hand, all that’s left is to dance a dance of everlasting death, spearing the lifeless eyes of those cursed fuckers until you reach your wall o’ tools. I won’t even list the different weapons you’ve suddenly found for yourself, but I think you won’t have any trouble cleaning up this mess and getting the hell out of Dodge.

What I would do:
No ex-Major League pitcher turned nine ball pro would be able to resist spinning onto the pool table and beaming zombies straight in the face with a rack of balls…which is exactly what I would do. For a little bit anyway, because it would be fun, like Shaun of the Dead throwing records at zombies kind of fun. I guess what I’m trying to say is Family Fun. Unlike what was on the computer.

After having my bit of fun, the rage would inevitably settle back in, and there would be nothing left to hold back my wrath. Any zombie still standing would immediately get a face full of CRT monitor, followed by a desk full-body-slamming. Keep in mind that none of these things are likely to put a zombie down for the count, at least not like poking them through the eye with a wooden stake, but it helps me control my penchant for burning fury — by adding gas to the flames.

Immediately I would begin dismantling my stairs one board at a time, taking each one and beating the moving corpses until it splintered into fragments and the sons of dead, motherless goats really stopped moving for good. The blood and gore would be epic and fascinating, the kind of phenomenon mathematicians might someday study for fractal splatter analysis.

I would probably need to take a shower, then run to the nearest Taco Bell and see if they had been overrun yet. Booyah! Say hello to my Burrito baby.

Thanks to Tyler for submitting this scenario.

Title: ZombieSim (click to open in iTunes)
Style: Top-Down Zombie Simulation
Source: JCLMSoftware

I recently had this little gem shared with me. In the spirit of a good zombie simulator, equipped with all the usual death and pissing of pants, ZombieSim brings the classic simulation to the iPhone. In ZombieSim, much like the zombie simulator we all know and love, the basic game is a ninja awesome zombie simulation. People run around like dumb bastards without a clue, some still get guns and go on killing rampages, and most still turn into dirty stinking zombies. Pretty standard stuff, but it’s awesome now that it’s mobile.

There have been additions to this whole simulation thing, like the ability to have fine-grained control over how the city is generated and how many people there are. I particularly liked some of the pre-sets on the Options screen. There was also the ability to tweet results, which I would have, if I had a twitter account.

Arguably the most important change is the ability to drop bombs on the nightmarish ant farm. Yes. Bombs. There are two kinds of bombs, with big ones and little ones, and the one you drop depends on how you caress your electronic desire. You can carpet bomb, you can blow up the armory, you can try to go in and cut out the infection like a doctor with a laser gun, you can just blow crap up. It’s pretty cool.

Problems? Well, I’m used to playing games with objectives. Aside from killing all the humans or zombies or whatever, this game doesn’t really have a way to “win”, but that’s just the same as any zombie simulation. It’s not about you, it’s about them, those poor meat-bags trapped in a city of walking dead.

I’m also used to a ton more weapons. Sure, there’s a limit to how many ways you can sex up the touchscreen, but come on. A little bomb love can go a long way to lubing up a good night of drinking. I’d like to see more death and destruction in future versions of the game.

Nonetheless, the game is an awesome addition to my mobile game collection. Now, wherever I go, I can study the ways of zombie infection while having the power to kill large numbers of crappy zombies. Which I’ll do every time I start to think about how much I hate zombies. God damn zombies anyway.

Game Score:

Graphics:		2.0
Sound:		?
Fun Factor:		4.5
Satisfaction:		4.0
Total: