We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
So you decided to steal some money from the mafia when you didn’t think they were looking? What’s the big deal anyway? One second you were happily eating a slice of pizza and whistling “Walking on Sunshine” and the next minute you don’t have any fingernails and you are wearing a freshly poured set of concrete sneakers. Just when the thugs were planning to push you into the river, a disgusting horde of zombies comes sauntering over the hill on the other side of the bridge. The two thugs take off, leaving you there to deal with the undead. What do you do?

What you should do:
You do have a few options, but you have to be quick-minded and astute. You need to look at your surroundings. You will need to find a stick or cane or something long. Next, is there a car or bike or some sort of vehicle that you could attempt an escape with? Since you are on a bridge, chances are you won’t have anything near, but it’s worth a look. If there is a car nearby, quickly hobble over to it by lifting each leg with the help of your arms. Once you are there, break into the car or just open the door. Once you get the car running, shift into first and use the stick to control the pedals. You don’t have to be graceful about it, just get the hell out.

If you can’t find a stick, use your hands to control the pedals the best you can. Again, you don’t have to be real quick, so let the car drive itself at 10 mph if you need to and just hit the gas on the hills so you don’t wreck. There shouldn’t be a reason to use the break. It is up to you when it is safe to ditch the car.

If you can’t find a car or anything else that would work, see how fast you can move without one. If it looks like the zombies are going to overtake you and there is no chance of salvation, then it is time to pay for your sins. Get to the edge of the bridge and heave yourself over the edge. I am pretty sure that drowning sucks, but it has to be better than being turned into a zombie. Especially a zombie who can’t even move.

What I would do:
Not a lot of people know this, but I have a special ability that would help me escape a situation like this. You see, whenever I will it to happen, I can make my feet swell up so big that a little kid once told me that I have pig for feet. This would help me escape because the cement shoes would be much too large when I willed my feet to return to normal size.

Once I am free of the shoes, I would walk to the end of the bridge and wait until all of the zombies have come upon me. Then I would begin to whisper in elvish and call upon my brother the river to delivery a wall of water twenty feet tall to wipe the earth clean of the zombie menace. Once the zombie apocalypse is taken care of, I would head down to the bank owned by the mafia and request a sum of money equal to everything in the vault. Hell, I figure they won’t be paying attention because they will be preparing for the zombie invasion that the thugs saw coming.

Title: Endless Zombie Rampage 2 (click to play)
Style: Top-Down RPG-ish
Source: CrazyMonkeyGames

Like one of the previous zombie games we played, Endless Zombie Rampage 2 is a game with a lot of guns and a lot of options. However, I would go so far as to wager that this game is more bad-ass fried chicken than the last. Let me explain.

Endless Zombie Rampage 2 is a top down murder-she-wrote kind of game made for people with a quick mouse button and balls of steel. I’ll admit I didn’t have time to explore the secrets of everything, but I know there are different types of gameplay: in one type, you go on quests or missions or whatever and have to do certain things to progress, like moving crates or saving people or murdering cold dead bastards.

Survival is one of the other modes, and it was my favorite for all the obvious reasons that make babies cry all the damn time. Now, in Survival, there’s no purpose but to kill zombies, which means that you pretty much live my life when you’re playing this game. This is like that movie “Being John Malkovich” or whatever, except it’s not. It’s “Being Matt Somebody: Yeah, really, who is that guy anyway?”

So you run around the map killing zombies, and you have a sweet ass fort made of crap and two giant turret guns, and I guess you’re in the middle of a parking lot or something, but whatever. In any case, you bust out the gates to gun some folks down with your pistol to gain experience, and with your experience you can buy new weapons, health, or powerups. Powerups are sweet. New weapons are sweet. Health is ok.

Now, while you’re in your fort giggling over the weapons and whatever, the turrets are outside stealing your kills and the zombies are evolving into all sorts of Nasty, so you have to stay on top of that outbreak or else you’ll soon find you don’t have the experience to deal with the situation. Granted, if you’re like me, you’d just as soon go off into the sunset to live by the law of the bullet, but you can only buy shit in your fort so that’s kind of important.

Another thing: when you shoot your weapons, the screen shakes. Not enough to be annoying, but enough to give you the illusion of kickback traveling up your arm and working out a chubby. That’s an awesome kind of illusion.

Easily, by far, one of the most enjoyable zombie shooter games I’ve reviewed. To the Programmer(s) of this game, good job. I hope you have a donut in celebration and also in rememberance of me.

Game Score:

Graphics:		4.0
Sound:		?
Fun Factor:		4.5
Satisfaction:		5
Total:

Scenario:
Rocking and rolling, you dash through the emptied streets with pistol-annihilating glory, throwing Molotov cocktails on zombies like Russia was sick of vodka and the world was ready to burn. You’re in your prime, you’ve survived long enough to feel good surviving. This is the god damn shit you were made for.

Then you come across a thing. A beautiful woman is caught underneath a car. She looks alright, but she can’t move without your help. Twenty feet away on the other side of the street, a beer truck is on fire about to ruin the payload. You see a hose and a crowbar. What do you do?

Trick question because you’re already too late. While you were distracted, you got caught making up your mind, and now a flaming zombie that you should have killed gave it’s last efforts to bite your shin. Game over. Almost. Now what do you do?

What you should do:
You should know that you’re a dead man. At this point, since you’ve survived, I’ll just assume you’ve been bad ass enough to read every single one of our blog posts. This means you know how zombiism works and your fate is set in stone. You can optionally attempt to amputate your entire leg in 5 seconds, but that’s going to end in a terribly painful, messy failure. You might as well get some use out of your stinking corpse before the end comes and the devil starts walking around in your skin.

There’s no point worrying about the beer truck now. You’ll probably be dead before you’d need any more than a twelve pack, and you can find a twelve pack anywhere. Instead, you choose the humanitarian route and help the lady lass to her feet. She’ll probably try to make out with you, but you can’t do this! The only thing worse than an undead stack of shame is an infected human infecting other humans. I wouldn’t even wipe my ass with their scalp.

Once you’ve kept your integrity, pass on your weapons; they’ve served you well but now you’ve got to go where they can’t be of any use to you. After you’re done with the bombshell, you run around a corner like you’re mysteriously gone forever so that people will remember you as a hero and not as a decaying lurch.

Then it’s up to you to take the bull by the horns and end things. Just make sure that when you’re done, you’re done. And I mean done, like a blow-up doll rocked so hard it’s been ripped in half.

What I would do:
After doing the whole saving the lady thing, I have two options. One, I can make myself a bill-board that says “I’m a zombie, use me for science”. Then, after I put that on like your everyday hotdog hawker, I’d find some pliers and yank out all my teeth, for safety reasons of course. Then I’d probably break one leg and handcuff my hands behind my back. At that point, if I became a zombie, people would know from a long way off, I wouldn’t be able to move very quickly, and I’d be of very little threat to anyone, even if they spooned with me whilst napping.

My hope, here, is that I would be found and used for science, obviously. I’m not expecting a cure to come out of it; you and I both know better. But, perhaps there would be a way to devise better weapons against the undead, some sort of weapon that wouldn’t end up killing humans because someone pissed their pants and shot at the squeak.

Option two is a little more simple, a little less beneficial to all mankind, but perhaps a little nicer nonetheless. I’d go to the nearest gas station and find the empty barrel that’s strangely always there without a purpose. I’d manually pump it full of diesel fuel, then take a bath in it. In one hand I’d hold a road flare above the black gold. In my other, I’d sip on a bottle of tequila. Then game over is when the party really starts, and my infection will be auto-purged from the planet.

If nothing else, I’m a master of efficiency. Goodbye beautiful woman I would have liked to have had in my pants.