We Hate Zombies

Scenario:

You’re out walking your little mutt, just like you always have to right before bed so it can sniff the shit out of things until a dookie pops out and you can get some sleep.  It’s a windy night, but you think nothing of it.  No one’s on the street.  The trees are swaying violently, and your dog is thinking it’s time to poop a deuce so you can go in when it gets distracted by something in the shadows.  Soon it’s growling, teeth bared, looking at something you can’t see.  Suddenly, a black blur dashes out of the darkness towards your pup and you instinctively enact operation field goal and kick the fucker 20 feet through the air.  It smacks into the neighbor’s door, which swings open slightly.  There are more dark shapes around you, closing in on you.  Zombie dogs.  Shitfuckdamn, this is bad.  What do you do.

What you should do:

You don’t have much time to formulate a plan, so you have to be quick about the way of things.  First off, zombie dogs, or zogs, are a bad deal.  Ever outrun a dog?  Yeah, me neither.  Ever hear that story about how a normal dog ate a woman’s face off?  Me too, and that was a normal dog.  So, you’re obviously fucked if you think you’re going to out-run or out-fight a pack of zombie dogs.

Fortunately, the first zog made a b-line straight for your own loved and cherished mutt, which should give you a little idea.  Besides, if you don’t make it, who else is going to feed your dog?  Nothing left to do but pick up the mother goose, launch it like a pie at a far-off midget and hope it flies off to safety somewhere, distracting all the other dogs while you make a break for it.

Not that cold and heartless?  Can’t convince yourself that God gave your little Flufficans wings to fly to doggy heaven?  Then you’ll have to change your line of thinking.  If you can’t carry your dog, you don’t have so many options, but let’s hope you atleast can carry a cell-phone.  Think of the dog’s primary enemy: the cat.  What does an endangered cat do?  Climb a god damn tree, thats’ what, and that’s exactly what you have to do if you want to keep your legs below the knee.  With dog in hand, climb the nearest tree you can find, but if you can choose one that is growing close enough to a building/house that you could get on a roof, that would be excellent.  If you make it that high, go to your speed dial entry for “Party Time” and get some backup with the guns you should have had with you.

What I would do:

Seriously, what good is a dog if it can’t protect you from a few zombie bitches?  Quite clearly my dogs would be clad in fucking steel plates, walking down the street like a real son of a bitch bad ass just lookin for shit to tear up.  My dogs would know what to do even before I did, and boy-howdy you wouldn’t see a show like that even if Michael Vick were calling the shots.  Do I beat my dogs to make them fight?  No, they would fight because I’m so awesome to my dogs, and that will make them fight even stronger.  Why did the 300 Spartans kick Persian ass all the way to the top of a mountain of dead?  A reason to fight better than fear.

Sadly, I suppose we must assume I’m walking someone else’s lame dogs.  This means I don’t really give a rats ass about em, and I launch them into the darkness like Juggernaut protecting the source of his powers.  But, do I let a poor Fido go quietly into that cold bitter night and do nothing?  Mother Fucker.  As soon as that gang of zogs turns tail to feast on steaming guts, I would grab the nearest street sign and yank that shit from the ground with the strength of a thousand adrenaline crazed  junkies, and I would hunt those scroungy zogs down until every last one was crushed into the cracks of the pavement.  There will be no limit to the devastation I will bring down upon them.

Until I’m done, that is, in which case I’ll go back to wherever it is I came from and act like nothing happened, particularly the fact that I used to be walking a dog.

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This entry was written by Matt and posted on Thursday, March 19th, 2009 at 6:45 pm and is filed under 3-Star Threat Level, Survival. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.