We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
It’s that time of year where all the little boys and girls in the world have butterflies in their stomach as they try in vane to go to sleep. They are waiting for Santa to come to their house, break into their home, steal their cookies and milk in exchange for presents of varying quality depending on how good they have been. Their cheeks are rosy and their noses are snotty. Ahhh… You’ve got to love it. Unless something went wrong. What if merriment wasn’t what Santa brought, but chaos? Can you even stomach to imagine an infected Santa? Think about a zombie capable of visiting every (Christian) home on Earth in a single evening. Think about a zombie that is untraceable and untraceable. Zombie Santa Motha Fucka!! I don’t know about you, but my balls just snuggled up to my kidneys, my nose has started bleeding, and I just shit my pants. What would you do?

What you should do:
First off, you should pull out your ZAC chart and figure out which color depicts the urgency of the situation so that you know how you should feel. Raging Red, right at the fucking top of the list, sums it up quite nicely. How should you feel? If you don’t have the heart of a fucking mule, you should probably be dead by now. Remember that time you got a fish hook stuck in your eye? You should feel worse than that. Raging Red means you should be shitting your pants so hard, you might bleed to death. It’s that bad.

The first step is watch Futurama episodes 17 and 35. These are the evil Santa-bot episodes which is a little different, but it gets the gist of it. Take notes on how they fortify their building including a giant solid steel barricade that rolls in front of the fireplace. This is designed to block Santa’s traditional way of getting in. He might not be able to figure out another way in, so use this. I personally would design similar barricades for the doors and windows and even the walls. Fuck dry wall.

You should also have a panic room installed in your home. Once the house is secure, secure it again by getting in the panic room. Have some food and water, but mostly guns available here. You won’t need much food if he gets in. As a last ditch effort to save the planet, rig the place to blow. If it gets out of control, take one for the team. I’ll rename the 4th of July in your honor once I take over the planet.

Finally, as a precaution, be a prick all year. If there is a list, you have to keep your name off of it. Make sure that you take advantage of anyone you can. Cheat every system you use. Hell, shoot the paper boy with a potato gun and then bitch at the news paper office when he stops coming by. Do it all. You have to stay under the radar. If you can’t stomach that type of lifestyle, then switch to Jewish or whatever. That should do the trick. I know that the sharper readers out there are going to assume you get on the naughty list by doing this stuff, and all that is probably true, but Santa uses the nice list. I doubt he even takes the naughty list on his sleigh with him, so fuck it. Life is too short, so go ahead and burn the stripper with your cigarette.

What I would do:
I had intended to post this before Christmas came, but I was too busy preparing for a possible onslaught. It took all of my time, up to the last minute, to make sure I would prevail. I had to fortify my house in a similar manner as described above, with a few creative additions. I also had to break into all my neighbors’ houses and plant large amounts of explosives. They wouldn’t let me do it with their permission, so it’s our little secret. That way Zombie Santa can get a taste of what I have to offer even before he gets to my house.

One little thing I did was install a transmitter inside my chest. It is hooked to my heart so that the moment my heart stops, all of my explosives will detonate simultaneously, including the neighbors’ houses. I did that just in case Zombie Santa’s speed gets to me before I can hit the button. I also had my neighbors’ houses blow up in case he is fast enough to escape my house and move onto the next before I die. It’s unlikely, but a necessary precaution.

Scenario:
Ho ho ho, it’s time for Christmas.¹ You’re in the business of getting presents, and business is good if that’s the kind of business your family is good at. Or your friends, or whomever. Problem is that while you’re inside untying ribbon and shredding Christmas propaganda like ‘happy holidays’ wrapping paper, there’s a growing threat outside, getting ever closer to your door. And closer, but slowly, yet still closer, and it’s really cold outside so the going is pretty slow, but soon enough you and your family are in imminent danger. Next thing you know, Aunt Flufficans is looking kind of weird and the present you’re opening has some blood and a shitty wrapping job. Of course, inside you find a twitching zombie hand. Merry fucking Christmas. What do you do?

What you should do:
Fortunately for you and everyone else, you’re with the people you should be able to trust. Also, you can finally put all that “family” bullshit aside and take control, making those who best (and least) understand you do what you know is right to resolve the situation. This is your moment to shine, unlike that time you graduated from high school and everyone came to eat your cake, leaving behind only that symbolic alarm clock that squawks “HEY FUCKER! WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD BITCH! I’MMA EAT YOU ALIVE!!” (which is of course why you want to destroy it always).

Now the first thing you should know to do is to throw that zombie hand in the oven and switch it into ‘Clean’ mode. This makes the oven rock out until it’s over 500 degrees, burning up all kinds of shit that’s inside, including infected zombie hands. This won’t burn away the bone, but the bone isn’t really the part you should be worrying about. In fact, if you can get Aunt Flufficans in there, all the better. If not, it’s best just to tie her up with some packaging tape and throw her in the basement where you can deal with her later without the sentimental puppy dog eyes of her relatives.

It’s important to understand that families are both the strongest and weakest groups of fighters, strong because they can work effectively together and have strong bonds that can overcome such things as disputes and blood vendettas (usually), but weak because the fall of one can crush the entire family into immobility. That is, if little brother Jimmy turns into a zombie, do your parents have the heart to vaporize his skull? Probably not, but you’d better because you should know better. Once a zombie, always a zombie, and certainly not a Jimmy. Just because you know a croak doesn’t mean you don’t kill a croak. Do for the family what the family itself is too weak to do.

After the immediate threats of the hand and the Aunt are dealt with, you need to understand why the old hag was zombified in the first place. Did someone leave a window open? Is there another zombie in the house? Did she just arrive and was it already too late by then? Sweep the house, gather munitions, and determine where the best defensible positions are in the house. Then turn on the news, if it’s still going, or look outside and check the status of the world. If the shit is too bad, you might need to turn that house into a fortress. If you can still move about the world with some relative safety, decide who has the best house for the job and get going. Hope you got something good for Christmas.

What I would do:
Hm. This is pretty much perfect for me, but to help you understand why, here’s a copy of this years’ Christmas list:

1. Chinese Assault Rifle
2. Explosive Arrows and Bow
3. W.A.S.P. Knife
4. More shotgun shells
5. Night-vision binoculars
6. Gun cleaning kit
7. Case of M.R.E.s
8. … (list continues)

Sure, I didn’t get everything I asked for, but with a list like that it’s hard to go wrong, and what better way to test out all the new gear than a sudden zombie invasion. Not only does ithelp us skip eating that crappy fruit cake, avoid the relations we’d rather not see, and all the other unpleasant parts of seeing family during the holidays, but it also helps release stress and tension by exploding zombos while at the same time creating a bonding experience for the whole family. Woops. I misfired my exploding arrow and hit Uncle Fucker in the leg while he was running from the zombies. Good thing it was explosive so I could get the whole crowd… Thanks mom!

The lesson here is that we can’t avoid our family or the holidays, but we can make the best of them if we’re smart about it.

Oh, and WTF is this?

¹ Well, sometimes we get around to things a little late here.

Scenario:
Christmas shopping is something some people make an art of.  Other people could care less about art and wait to buy the crap they give to others the day before it’s due.  In fact, that’s most people, and because of this the malls are full of shoppers running like they’re three hours late for school and they missed the bus.  Some people are crying, some people had to settle for canned brussel sprouts, and some people just look sad and confused.  Ah, now that’s Christmas spirit right there.

Well, you thought you had all your bases covered, that is until someone reminded you of a distant relative who never shows up for Christmas but is going to show up this year.  Now you have to scramble to buy whatever’s left on the shelves and you find yourself surrounded by mobs of poo laden people in the mall.  Of course zombies would hit then, in the mall.  So cliche, but still.  What do you do?

What you should do:
If you haven’t yet, I would recommend you go out right now and rent both ‘Dawn of the Dead’ movies and watch them in their entirety whilst taking notes and shooting jello shots.  This is my normal routine for any given night, which is why this question seems kind of absurd to me.  I could resolve this scenario in a drunken stupor, but I digress.

If you’ve missed the movies so far, you’re sadly equipped to handle this situation, but there’s still hope.  As always you can find the nearest sporting goods store and convince some people to help you make a stand against the waves of the undead.  This is probably a good idea, but you have to get people’s trust and obedience quickly at a time when people are already freaking out about the holidays and will be even more freaking out when they see the dead latching on to someone’s neck.

People would freak the shit out.  Some would still be trying to keep track of their packages, figuring they had to fight for them against the living, they’re sure as hell not going to give them up without a fight against the dead.  Admirable, perhaps, but foolish, unless those gifts happen to be of the kind that shoot hot metal.

If you don’t know where the sporting goods are, your next best bet is to run orthogonal to the flow of people.  The people will most likely be running from zombies but also will be piling up in a massive heap at the exits.  These massive heaps are a bad place to be since zombies love to jump on the pile.  Also, if zombies are inside, chances are good zombies are outside, so people will be trying to get in as much as out.  That is bad news, so go sideways in the direction people are not going, then find a store with a maintenance exit, loading dock, etc.  Every store has some back way out.

What I would do:
I never ask myself why I get drunk and wander into malls, but it happens sometimes.  I get thrown out sometimes too, but there’s a high turn over rate of security guards so it doesn’t really matter.  Nonetheless, I could resolve this scenario in a drunken stuper.

So the zombies are wandering around the mall in that kind of slow gait they have.  I’m not particularly threatened by them, so I hijack one of those golf carts security people usually drive me out in and take off.  I stay near the middle of the lanes so people can jump out of the way to either side, but also so that zombies can’t jump out from behind something and immediately be a threat.  With my little buggy of doom, I’d head off to the sporting equipment place.  I know where it is, just like I know where Victoria’s Secret is, and there I load up on weapons of the usual sort.  Also, I get a high power spotlight.

Then it’s just like my annual deer hunting trips.  Shine a light in their eyes, then shoot, then repeat.  It’s pretty straightforward really.  After a while I’d probably get bored or overrun, at which point I would make my escape, probably through a vent in the ceiling but maybe out a back door if I still felt I could walk into a store without something jumping on me from behind a corner.

Also, I wasn’t at the mall to get gifts.  I bought them online just to avoid any kind of zombie threat.  Zombies don’t ruin Christmas, people acting dumb ruins Christmas.

Scenario:

Every now and then, something comes along that you don’t expect.  Sometimes, it’s a bad surprise from a ‘girl’ you picked up at the bar.  Sometimes it’s a bad phone call from the doctor after a recent rectal exam.  And sometimes, it’s your best friend and your wife.  But not all bad surprises deal with sex.  Sometimes, you find a life mate that you don’t feel horny about, but once you really get to know them, they aren’t the person you thought there were.

You are in the middle of a zombie apocalypse when you find someone who feels the same way you do.  They had all the right plans before the attack.  They had a secret fortress armed to the teeth.  They had it all but made the mistake of letting in a survivor who was infected.  From the inside of the fortress out, the base was destroyed.  He looked death straight in the face and smiled.  To get out alive, he had to lob off the head of his beautiful wife.  Fate, it seemed, brought you together.  But as time went on, you find out disturbing details.  He believes that there is a cure and that zombies can talk.  He also believes that killing a healthy human being because they are not diehard survivalists is worth it in the long run.  What do you do?

What you should do:

This type of situation is so dangerous to the survival of the human race, it places up high on the ZAC chart (Zombie Advisory Colors).  If you encounter someone like this, you are immediately upgraded to a Ornery Orange status, the second most serious.  These people are every bit as committed as you are, but with a few dangerous misconceptions.  They will try to save zombies if they think they can cure them.  They will kill survivors if they go too slow.  They will rise up against you if they feel that you are wrong, even when you are right.  There are three ways to deal with these people, and none of them are particularly good.

Option one, kick them out of your group.  This is a dangerous path to take because it could breed resentment in their eyes.  You will keep a valuable ally against zombies, but gain a terrible enemy over the long run.   They are certain to find survivors among their travels and could build a rival gang that could attack your group.  The probability of this is actually pretty high, given human nature.  Do not take this path lightly.

Option two, kill them.  I do not like the idea of dispatching a man as equally qualified to kill zombies as myself.  It would be a terrible loss for the human condition but a rival gang is not a pretty picture either.  But if it must be done, do it right.  Knowing this type of person, they can eat leather, shit vinegar and piss blood that smells like cherry starbursts, so you have to get the job done right.  Don’t forget to burn the body.

Option three, keep them in your group.  The Null Hypthesis is not rejected in this case and we will do nothing.  Again, this is dangerous because they could overtake your group and kick you out or kill you.  Remember, they are your nemesis and think a lot like you.  Tread lightly.

What I would do:

Have you ever heard of a frontal lobotomy?  Well, it basically consists of me sticking an ice pick through your eye socket or up your nose and poking your brain a little bit, damaging the frontal lobe.  What this does is take away a lot of your personality.  You would still have the same skills as before, but would have a decreased ability to demonstrate thoughts and feelings. 

The lesson I am trying to teach you is simple, I would pick option three and keep them in the group.  However, I would not be able to live with the risk this option presents and would be forced to give him a frontal lobotomy to ensure the safety of the group.  Plus, I would still have his skills.  The reaction speed would definitely lag behind, but it would be worth that sacrifice with proper planning of the troops on scouting missions.

Scenario:

The happiest day of your life has come; the wedding ceremony.  You’re at the alter, standing next to an old guy who weirds you out like the time you saw Janet Jackson on the street and then found out it was a dude, and you’re waiting for your beautiful bride to say her “I do’s” and that whole ring thing and then finally the steamy kissing scene in front of the children and parents.  Except when you throw back the veil to look into her beautiful baby blues, all you see are a pair of dead whites and a cold face, with blue lips drooling around one white set of teeth desperately trying to eat your face off.  What do you do?

What you should do:

Snap to your senses, soldier!  You don’t go flying out into the world half-cocked with a ball and chain holding you back like a knife in the thigh.  If your ‘bride-to-be’ was dumb enough to get caught up in a zombie orgy of death and black endlessness, than you’ve shown your colors as one who doesn’t know how to pick em.  This goes as a notice to those of you who don’t have wives yet: if your girlfriend doesn’t tell you the finer points of zombie hunting by the third date, you need to have ‘The Talk,’ and if she doesn’t nod and laugh with a twinkle in her eye as she starts to collaborate with you, then she can go straight to hell and you can move on with your life.

Now, of course its too late and you have an undead nag on your hands, and she’s really struggling to get in your business.  But not in the good way.  So instead of flipping your lid and calling for momma’s help to throw down that damn succubus, you instead turn to the Good Book (every creepy old man has one) and give her a howdy-doody upside the head.  Of course this is just for show since that will neither kill a zombie nor guarantee to knock them down.  (Don’t fool yourself into believing zombies have anything to fear from religion; that’s dumb)  What this act will do, however, is get the old man tangled up in the mix, and soon enough she’ll forget all about you and take a mouth full out of his cheek, giving you time to walk down to the audience, grab a folding chair, and brutalize some reanimated sons of bitches.

What I would do:

Never forget what resources you have at your disposal.  That’s the lesson of the advice I just gave you.  The lesson for what I’m about to say is not to forget the friends you have at your assistance.  This, of course, assuming you pick your friends better than your wife and they don’t fuck around behind your back, leaving you to sober up alone at a bar in the middle of the night.

Instead of turning to a cold, metal chair to do my business, I’d turn to my Best Man (that’s the guy who stands behind you at the wedding).  You see, if there’s anyone in the world who could pull of the two-man steel-toe triple lateral, it would be my best man.  The manuever was inspired by a time when I saw someone’s head get cut clean cut off after two figure-skaters tried to go pro before they were ready.  In this maneuver, I eject the knives hidden in the toes of my dress shoes (which are actually just shiny shoes on top of combat boots) and get launched spinning through the air by the Best Man.  This rotational speed and momentum will decapitate everyone on the left side of the alter, including the Bride.  Game over.  Bitch.

Yeah, that blurred super-hero, that was me.  I just saved the fucking day.