We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
You wake up one day finding yourself born with a degenerative genetic inefficiency commonly known as bad eyesight.  If you’ve never experienced bad eyesight, it’s kind of like being drunk for a while, then waking up in the middle of the night and drinking some more, then trying to read a book.  Thank god for glasses and contacts, though, right?  In countries without them, those suffering from bad eyesight would be left to die of exposure over the hill behind the house.  But with them, those same people can almost act like normal people.  In some cases.  Too bad zombies ate the eye doctor, and without your vision, you’re like a limp noodle next to the urinals on the men’s bathroom floor.  What do you do?

What you should do:
Maybe this is a “what you should have done” kind of suggestion.  If you know you have bad eyesight that would impair your ability to destroy a zombie from a safe distance, then you should have taken certain steps of preperation.  For instance, you could have ordered extra pairs of glasses.  You could have married an eye doctor and taught them The Danger, you could have become a security guard for a glasses/contact manufacturing plant and made copies of the keys, you could have gotten the damn Lasik.

Now that the past is behind you, though, you have to look forward as far as you can see into the future of zombie-tomorrow.  And that’s not going to be very far if you don’t have some way of securing your vision.  Are contacts the only thing that can help you see a damn thing?  That’s not good news my friend, not good at all.  What you’ll have to do is find an eye-doctor’s office and loot the place for every pack of contacts you can find.  

Sadly, these contacts all have expiration dates, so in the end you’re kind of fucked either way even without the trouble of changing your contacts, finding solution, losing shit, whatever.  You just get a little more time if you’re a little lucky and you do it right.  Maybe you can use that time to kidnap an eye surgeon and force them to Lasik the crap out of your cornea, before you get left to die of exposure over the hill behind the mall.

Glasses people are lucky.  They just need to have enough pairs of the right prescription to last a life time.  Then they just need to be careful.  Also.  Bulletproof.

What I would do:
Glasses are whatever, who cares.  We’re talking contacts here, the things that let you see like you were born right, the beautiful pieces of soft plastic that don’t fog up when you go into a steam bath or a cold room filled with zombies, those little slivers of sexy eye-love.  Living with contacts is like living without tomatoes: awesome.

So, what would I do with a dwindling supply of visual justice in a world where eye doctors are more likely than not undead sons-of-bitches?  Would I develop cybernetic technology that would replace my eyes with a machine?  Would I uncover the secret of reconnecting optical nerves in order to swap eyes with a healthy corpse?  Would I make a bon fire in a wheel barrow and drink until I pass out?

I don’t know the answer to these questions any more than you do, but one thing I know is a secret the eye industry doesn’t want you to know.  If you wear contacts for exactly 131 days straight without removing them, cleaning only with eye drops, those contacts will actually merge with the eye itself, giving you permanent good vision for ever.  It’s like a fountain of youth for your eye-ball.  Incredible!  When this secret gets out, it will finally bring the megalith monster known as vision something or other to its knees.  Hear that?  Sounds like things getting fucked up.

So why haven’t I done this already?  Have you ever heard of how real men shoot tequila?

Rating (Overall Rating: 2.5 out of 5)
You need to be a registered member to rate this post.

 Loading ...

This entry was written by Matt and posted on Monday, November 24th, 2008 at 7:00 am and is filed under 3-Star Threat Level, Survival. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.