We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
You’re raking your leaves like any normal person would do. Just when you finish and the pile is at its highest, your kid runs over and obliterates the entire mess. All you can say is, “Goddamn it Frank, why do you always have to do that? Cut that shit out!” As Frank runs back into the house, screaming with glee, you continue to rake. Once again, the pile reaches its full height, towering over you in triumph. Again, the comes falling down. This time it isn’t Frank. It’s the neighbor kids and the leaves simply got in the way. What they want is you and your precious non-zombie flesh. What do you do?

What you should do:
Well, since they are zombies, you know that you have to destroy their brains in order to completely nullify the situation. However, the neighbors may not realize the situation, which can cause problems when they find out that you killed their kids for what may have seemed like knocking down a pile of leaves. Approach this carefully.

If their parents are being good parents, knock them over and run inside. Somewhere, the parents are watching and when they see this, they will come running over to give you a piece of their mind. The idea here is to get them to see the danger that the kids now pose or to just have them get infected when their child bites off a finger. Either way, you can bum-rush the zombies from your home and let them have it. And by it, I mean the business end of your shotgun.

If the parents are not good parents, they aren’t watching what their kids are doing and won’t see anything. Again, knock the kids over with the rake and run inside. Get on the phone and call the parents. Tell them that their kids are acting strange and tried to bite you while you were raking your leaves. They won’t believe you, but they will come and get their kids when you threaten to shoot them if they don’t leave. Again, the situation should pretty much solve itself when you introduce the shotgun.

If for some reason you cannot get their parents on the phone, then you have only one choice. Shoot the children in their adorable zombie faces and throw them in a barrel of homemade napalm. Then spend the next couple of hours burning the leaves you just raked as a cover story for the large fire that won’t go out. The kid’s parents will be destroyed with grief and may take their own lives, but sacrifices must be made if the name of the game is zombies. Think about how many people you saved and everything should be all right.

What I would do:
Like a good neighbor, I always have my hedge trimmer within arm’s reach. I would waste no time in dispatching the zombie. If the parents are watching, I will just dispatch them as well. If any other neighbors are watching, dispatched. If the body count is high enough, I will just have to load up the old pickup and take a trip to the quarry. Otherwise, I like the smell of napalm in the morning.

Scenario:
You wake up one day finding yourself born with a degenerative genetic inefficiency commonly known as bad eyesight.  If you’ve never experienced bad eyesight, it’s kind of like being drunk for a while, then waking up in the middle of the night and drinking some more, then trying to read a book.  Thank god for glasses and contacts, though, right?  In countries without them, those suffering from bad eyesight would be left to die of exposure over the hill behind the house.  But with them, those same people can almost act like normal people.  In some cases.  Too bad zombies ate the eye doctor, and without your vision, you’re like a limp noodle next to the urinals on the men’s bathroom floor.  What do you do?

What you should do:
Maybe this is a “what you should have done” kind of suggestion.  If you know you have bad eyesight that would impair your ability to destroy a zombie from a safe distance, then you should have taken certain steps of preperation.  For instance, you could have ordered extra pairs of glasses.  You could have married an eye doctor and taught them The Danger, you could have become a security guard for a glasses/contact manufacturing plant and made copies of the keys, you could have gotten the damn Lasik.

Now that the past is behind you, though, you have to look forward as far as you can see into the future of zombie-tomorrow.  And that’s not going to be very far if you don’t have some way of securing your vision.  Are contacts the only thing that can help you see a damn thing?  That’s not good news my friend, not good at all.  What you’ll have to do is find an eye-doctor’s office and loot the place for every pack of contacts you can find.  

Sadly, these contacts all have expiration dates, so in the end you’re kind of fucked either way even without the trouble of changing your contacts, finding solution, losing shit, whatever.  You just get a little more time if you’re a little lucky and you do it right.  Maybe you can use that time to kidnap an eye surgeon and force them to Lasik the crap out of your cornea, before you get left to die of exposure over the hill behind the mall.

Glasses people are lucky.  They just need to have enough pairs of the right prescription to last a life time.  Then they just need to be careful.  Also.  Bulletproof.

What I would do:
Glasses are whatever, who cares.  We’re talking contacts here, the things that let you see like you were born right, the beautiful pieces of soft plastic that don’t fog up when you go into a steam bath or a cold room filled with zombies, those little slivers of sexy eye-love.  Living with contacts is like living without tomatoes: awesome.

So, what would I do with a dwindling supply of visual justice in a world where eye doctors are more likely than not undead sons-of-bitches?  Would I develop cybernetic technology that would replace my eyes with a machine?  Would I uncover the secret of reconnecting optical nerves in order to swap eyes with a healthy corpse?  Would I make a bon fire in a wheel barrow and drink until I pass out?

I don’t know the answer to these questions any more than you do, but one thing I know is a secret the eye industry doesn’t want you to know.  If you wear contacts for exactly 131 days straight without removing them, cleaning only with eye drops, those contacts will actually merge with the eye itself, giving you permanent good vision for ever.  It’s like a fountain of youth for your eye-ball.  Incredible!  When this secret gets out, it will finally bring the megalith monster known as vision something or other to its knees.  Hear that?  Sounds like things getting fucked up.

So why haven’t I done this already?  Have you ever heard of how real men shoot tequila?

Scenario:
You live in the middle of the United States and its freaking cold outside. Seriously, it is like, 30 something outside all the time now and it was just 90 a few weeks ago. WTF is that all about anyway? I want some goddamn answers here. I am tired of playing by the Man’s rules and I want it to be warm and pleasant. Cough, Cough. Sorry, sometimes I get a little pissed off about how cold it is and how much I hate it. Anyway, its cold as week old shit and you are in the middle of a fucking zombie apocalypse. You are in a mall and are about to head out into the world on foot because the world ran out of gas. What do you do?

What you should do:
Make a list of important things that you need to have with you at all times. This is important because you are only going to have things with you at all times, nothing more and nothing less. There is no vehicle to help carry stuff and you need to survive long enough to reach warmer climates. Making a list will help eliminate emotion and maximize logic in what you take and what you don’t.

The obvious things on the lists are warm clothes. No, you don’t need more than one change of clothes so don’t even think about it. You need to make sure you have a couple of pairs of socks so that you can keep your feet warm and dry. This is important because Bear Grylls says so. Also, make sure you have a hat or some sort to keep your head warm. You will lose most of your body heat through your head, so stock up.

Once you have that figured out, work on the essentials. Don’t stock up on canned food and water like a moron. Get a map of the area so that you know where to find water and pick up some supplies to obtain your own food and cook it. I would suggest checking with anyone in the mall who is homeless. They know what you need to survive. A cooking tin, a pocket knife, some flint and a compass would be a great way to start. These are all very useful tools in the wild.

Once that is all said and done, get something good to eat and stuff yourself. It may be a few days before you can stop and set up a camp and have a nice meal. I would recommend taking some bread and cheese with you on your trip solely because it will stay edible for a long time and it will provide you with some carbs, fats, and proteins which are all necessary to stay not dead. Plus, it is simple and quick to prepare and it doesn’t weigh a lot like canned foods do.

What I would do:
Have you ever seen the movie Tremors? Well, that movie was based on my ability to tunnel through the ground like it was salt water. Being that this is completely true, I would simply bore into the earth where it is slightly warmer and tunnel my way to Florida. This would only take me a few days because I can move at a constant speed of 30 mph for about a month without stopping. I’m sure glad zombies can’t do that.

Title: CQC (click to play)
Style: RPG / Shooter
Source: www.arcadebomb.com

I’m not going to lie to you here. I thought this game was pretty bad ass, but I only played it for a few minutes. Probably, like, less than 20. Still, I got a taste for the game and I didn’t blink the entire time. When I died, deliberatley, my eyelids were glued to the whites of my eye. That’s the making of a good game.

Unlike some of the previous games we’ve reviewed, this game actually looks pretty damn good. That’s a plus. Good animation, nice levels, some flair and a touch of love. I liked it, except the blood wasn’t very interesting and the zombie destruction left a little to be desired. Also unlike other games, this game doesn’t make zombie killing the main goal. There’s some sort of purpose I couldn’t figure out, and like Mario rocking Bowser’s face off, you can actually jump over almost all of the zombies. Except the bats. Wtf? Bats? Not even zombie bats, just apparently angry bats. Whatever.

Didn’t hear the sound. It was muted, like always. There wasn’t a whole lot of satisfaction because the experience isn’t based on zombie destruction. Kind of like eating to get full instead of eating to enjoy. Still, some people like that kind of game, or at least that’s what I’ve heard on the street, so maybe you’ll like it even more than I did if you like that kind of game. If nothing else, the grenade launcher attached to your gun is a lot of fun, and fun I had with it. I give this an emphatic pretty good. Well done, sir, well done.

Game Score:

Graphics:		4.5
Sound:		?
Fun Factor:		3.5
Satisfaction:		2
Total:

Scenario:
You’ve just scoured the area you’ve inhabited for zombie and dispatched the last few zooks in within a mile of your fortified base. Things are looking good for now and you are heading home for a hot meal of baked beans and sauerkraut (Time to go shopping I suppose). As you walk past a large bush (the one that is in the yard of that girl that you liked back in high school), you hear a little bit of scuffling. Scuffling can only mean one thing… zombies. Quickly, you pull out your shotgun, locate the zombie and the deed is done. But this zombie looks to be pregnant, and full term too. Plus, she looks like a fresh zombie. There isn’t any sign of decay yet, except around a gaping wound in her arm. What do you do?

What you should do:
This is a moral issue more than an issue of action. You know that a zombie is a zombie is a zombie and it does not matter if it is a full grown man or a little bitty baby, it has to be destroyed. However, here we have a very real moral dilemma. Is this baby a zombie or is it still a viable human being? It is a tough call for most people.

Normally, you could assume that it is a zombie because the mother is a zombie. However, if zombiism is transferred through an exchange of fluids, this baby may not be a zombie yet. All babies enjoy a luxury known as the blood barrier where the blood of the mother (and other fluids as well) do not mix with that of the child. This is what prevents children from being born with HIV and other diseases like it. Would it be a zombie if you could somehow safely delivery it?

The other thing you have to think about is how long the mother has been a zombie. If it has been more than a day or two, the child is pretty much done for. If it has only been a few hours, the little guy might still have a shot. Since there is no sign of decay on this woman, you can assume that he might still have a shot because she hasn’t been a zombie for too long. And this kid could prove to be the John Connor of zombie hell. A cesarean procedure could save the child. What to do, what to do?

Forget the baby. You have enough to worry about on your own and a brand new baby wouldn’t make anything easier. Plus, the supplies you have would not provide a lot of protection for you, let alone the baby, and getting infected is a very real possibility. Even though you may be killing an innocent child, it is for the greater good. Burn the corpse and get back home. Dinner is hot and ready.

What I would do:
In a situation like this, for me the choice is simple. I could do the operation and hope for the best, but there is a saying that I live my life by. “Hope in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first.” In this case, I would have nothing but a hand full of shit and I don’t want that. I would burn the corpse and find my way back home. To make up for the loss, I would make a baby that same night. Life has a way of always balancing out.