Zombies! Get off my Lawn!!
Scenario:
You’re mowing the lawn and loving every minute of it. 
You’ve got the old push mower out, the iPod in your hand, and those green stained tennis shoes that don’t get used for much else. The smell of cut grass fills your nostrils. The sun is hot but the beer is cold. Unfortunately for you, the lawn mower is loud and you can’t hear the zombie that is coming up behind you. What do you do?
What you should do:
If I were you, a normal Joe Schmoe, I would run while I mowed the lawn. This will keep zombies off of your back while you enjoy some good exercise and beer. It will also get you around the corner quicker which may lead you to discover the zombie prick that is shuffling behind you.
Once you discover the zombie behind you, turn that powerful weapon on it. Yes, I mean the lawn mower. Again I will warn you to watch out for pink mist because you wouldn’t want to turn into a zombie because of how much you destroyed a zombie. That would be ironic and sad. Nobody wants that.
Once you’ve dispatched the zombie, build a fence around your yard. I mean, honestly, you need a fence. It keeps the neighbors dog from coming over and shitting in your yard. It keeps zombies out. It even keeps most neighbors from spying on you, especially during those steaming nights in the above ground pool I’m sure you have.
What I would do:
Have you ever seen a lawn mower with a diesel engine on it? What about a lawn mower with a diesel engine from an 18-wheeler? Well, that’s what I push around the yard each week. 
I modified it myself just for the reason that I know, one day, I will need to chop through a human leg with it. Let me tell you one thing; this puppy will get the job done. Just to test it out, I chopped up a cinder block. It messed up my blade and I had to buy a new one, but it was pretty damn sexy to watch. All that was left was cinder dust.
Amen.
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August 29th, 2008 at 4:27 am
my dad had this problem once. our back yard has a big hill in the middle of it, containing an in-ground pool, and as he was coming around the hill there was a zombie.
the thing is, pushing any kind of mower, diesel-powered or otherwise, up and down that hill is a big hassle, so dad mows the back yard with a scythe. Needless to say, he dispatched the zook and complained to the neighborhood association that zombies from a neighboring development were showing up on his property.
August 29th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Ah yes. the scythe is a classic that every back yard needs. Even more than lawn darts.