We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
You’re mowing the lawn and loving every minute of it. You’ve got the old push mower out, the iPod in your hand, and those green stained tennis shoes that don’t get used for much else. The smell of cut grass fills your nostrils. The sun is hot but the beer is cold. Unfortunately for you, the lawn mower is loud and you can’t hear the zombie that is coming up behind you. What do you do?

What you should do:
If I were you, a normal Joe Schmoe, I would run while I mowed the lawn. This will keep zombies off of your back while you enjoy some good exercise and beer. It will also get you around the corner quicker which may lead you to discover the zombie prick that is shuffling behind you.

Once you discover the zombie behind you, turn that powerful weapon on it. Yes, I mean the lawn mower. Again I will warn you to watch out for pink mist because you wouldn’t want to turn into a zombie because of how much you destroyed a zombie. That would be ironic and sad. Nobody wants that.

Once you’ve dispatched the zombie, build a fence around your yard. I mean, honestly, you need a fence. It keeps the neighbors dog from coming over and shitting in your yard. It keeps zombies out. It even keeps most neighbors from spying on you, especially during those steaming nights in the above ground pool I’m sure you have.

What I would do:
Have you ever seen a lawn mower with a diesel engine on it? What about a lawn mower with a diesel engine from an 18-wheeler? Well, that’s what I push around the yard each week. I modified it myself just for the reason that I know, one day, I will need to chop through a human leg with it. Let me tell you one thing; this puppy will get the job done. Just to test it out, I chopped up a cinder block. It messed up my blade and I had to buy a new one, but it was pretty damn sexy to watch. All that was left was cinder dust.

Amen.

Scenario:
It’s a clear night on an occasion when a meteor shower is lighting up the sky. Pretty. But, unbeknownst to the world, the meteors burning up in our atmosphere are carrying the eggs of a microscopic, parasitic lifeform. It swirls around in the clouds, then mixes with the rain and falls to the earth. As the eggs hatch, the lifeform grows from something invisible to the eye into increasingly larger black slugs that can only be described as leeches.

They latch on to living organisms and feast until they mature, at which point they produce eggs and inject them into the host. These eggs move through the blood stream, fundamentally changing the brain and infecting bodily fluids. In order to spread more efficiently, this parasite takes control of the host’s nervous system and has complete command of their body, forcing it to act wild and angry, forcing it to bite other living things. And, with that bite, the eggs will spread. Then the process repeats. Alien zombiism.¹ What do you do?

What you should do:
Get a gun. And bullets. Lots and lots of bullets. And then go to Sams Club or Costco or any other wholesale retailer. Why? Because you need a ton of supplies, and if you can’t get them and defend them, you don’t have much chance. You’ll need a lot to survive, and it won’t be feasible to try to move everything immediately from the store to a safer place far away from the city.

The problem here is quite clear. The water is contaminated with zombie bugs, so you can’t trust the water. You can’t trust the rain, you can’t trust the city water, the well water, any of it. The only liquid you can trust comes in bottles and cans, so you’ll have to guard/gather as much as possible while fending off those that would spread their bugs in you. In fact, you’ll have to find enough to last the rest of your life, no matter whether you decide to fortify a base or move from place to place like a nomad.

There is, of course, a second major problem, and it deals primarily with zombie animals. Sure, some animals have always wanted to bite humans, but generally not every animal ever, like your dog or cat or mouse. And, unlike humans, animals won’t be able to avoid drinking the contaminated water, and they won’t be able to fight the parasites with drugs or whatever else might help.

So you’re facing zombie animals, zombie people, and zombie bugs, all with contaminated water cursing you like a sailor in a storm. The odds are not good, not good at all. The food should be good though, because if you cook the animals thoroughly I’m sure it will be safe to eat, but say goodbye to those rare steaks or medium-rare burgers. That time has ended.

Really, the cards are stacked against you. You can’t get caught in the rain, you can’t fall into a river or swim across a lake, you can’t do anything that might allow contaminated water/fluid into or on your body. That is, not unless you have the straight alcohol, or gasoline, or iodine, to wash off with afterward (assuming it doesn’t get inside you). And then there are zombie fish, and who knows, maybe those leeches can grow forever and you’ll eventually see whale sized leeches trying to swallow you into their veins.

Which means that there has to be a change of location to some place where there isn’t so much water, where the climate is harsh and few things tend to survive. Places like the frigid parts of Canada or Russia, or anywhere else in the world. In the remote places, those bugs might not be able to live and there won’t be near as many enemies. Of course, it will also be harder to find supplies. Once you’re out there, you’ll need to fortify the place against the animals that will want to tear into you and the zombies that might attack in masses during the thawing months.  Life will be rough after the zombie bugs come.

What I would do:
Sadly, this kind of invasion leaves us with few choices, even for veteran zombie killers like me. Despite all that I’ve already mentioned, the biggest problem is a lack of knowledge. We know how to kill leeches, but leeches don’t lay eggs in you that turn you into a zombie. We don’t know what kills these parasites, if they can mature inside you and infect you internally, if there’s a way to destroy the eggs in you before they take control. We just don’t know.

Which is why I would take every precaution. You know what kills most things? Alcohol. So how do you kill zombie eggs? Tequila. Lots of tequila. I would drink so much of Mexico’s golden finest that nothing would be able to live in my veins except me. Then I would probably bathe in bug spray, rinse off with tobacco juice, and try all of those other home remedies that are supposed to keep leeches away.

Then I would do what I’ve suggested you should do. Find supplies, stay away from the water, fend off the zombos, and otherwise be bored out of my mind. Eventually I would load up a semi-truck full of canned food and water, then move into the desert where it never rains and nothing is out there for parasites to bother except me and my mangy dog. I think a man could live for quite a while like that without too much to worry about. Of course, living wouldn’t be worth a whole lot at that point, but that’s where the tequila comes back into play.

At least there’s always tequila.

¹ Note that this is Alien zombiism, not exactly pure zombiism. It’s not clear that this scenario would actually create real zombies since the hosts may not exactly be first considered “dead” and then later “undead.”

Sure, the brain is wrecked, so there is no cure, and the person that once was no longer is, so they could be considered ‘dead’ in a sense. Also, the parasite has complete control over the body’s muscular system, so the body continues to function after death. However, the ‘alien zombie’ could be, perhaps, considered ‘alive’ since the other bodily systems continue to function to some extent, for a while, which would make them not a zombie. Feel free to chime in with a comment on your take of this issue.

Title: Zombie Horde 3 (click to play)
Style: Top down strategy
Source: www.crazymonkeygames.com
So, last time we left our hero he was stuck in a forest fighting off zombies. Unlike the first game, he is not a scientists, but a soldier. As a soldier, he does fight zombies to protect the scientist on occasion and sometimes he protects a box. All the meanwhile he is earning money to buy more bullets, more guns, and more armor. Fast forward to now.

He gets picked up by some of his friends who happen to be soldiers too. They are driving around in there hummer (I assume) talking about how odd is was that he just happened to be stuck in a forest full of zombies. Hell, they even joke about how he apparently had unlimited ammo and got paid money for killing zombies. This game is awesome!! Wait, no… No… NO!!!!!

NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just when I thought I was going to have fun, the game ruins any sort of credibility is had by showing a zombie shooting a bazooka at the hummer. WTF is that about? Geez I hate it so much when people try to portray zombies as anything but lifeless bodies with teeth. In the following explosion, our hero is left alone, in the city full of zombies. Some of the streets are blocked off because the citizens tried to fortify their city. Apparently they failed. Of course they did.

Something new to this series is movement. I know that you could move around in the second game, but this one actually requires you to navigate the city in an effort to find certain things. There are parts in the city where you can refill your health, buy guns, and get more ammo (the garages). There are parts where you have to randomly protect the area. This brings back memories of zombie horde 2 where you just juke and jive long enough to clear the stage. These things are great for building that money stack. Then there are places that you have to travel to progress the plot. Yep, you heard me right, there is sort of a plot. The only thing you have to do is break through barriers with bigger guns. Easy enough…

The first stop is the police station where you find that bastard scientist that pretty much ended the world. He’s still pretending he doesn’t know what he did to start all of this. As usual, he doesn’t stick around. He is such a prick. Oh yeah, and he talks about the new breed. The reason I have a bad taste in my mouth. Romero’s Land of the Dead zombies have arrived. They wear clothes and shoot guns. Geez.

As for the game itself, it brings another level to the Zombie Horde series. It was great fun in a Grand Theft Auto sort of way. You get to run around a city shooting bats, crows, zombies, super zombies, crawly thingies and such. You even get to drive a go-kart. That is pretty badass because you can just run over the zombies while taking minimal damage.

The sound isn’t so annoying that I want to mute it. That’s a plus. The graphics are pretty standard for the series. There isn’t much improvement over the second intallment except that there are crude buildings and a fucking go-kart. And the cuts scenes leave a little to be desired. The controls were easy to figure out and the garage system was actually a great addition. It made sense to how he could be getting more ammo and guns and such and it allowed you to save the game. That is one of the best things about the game. You can save your progress.

Back is the great survival mode. I got my ass chewed up by zombies eventually but I had a good time blasting away. For what it is, I’d give this game a five if it weren’t for zombies with guns. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth and smells bad too.

Game Score:

Graphics:		2
Sound:		2
Fun Factor:		5
Satisfaction:		1
Total:

Scenario:
You’ve moved to Germany so that you can enjoy the finer things in life. Good cars, good beer, and ridiculously disgusting pornography. You’re living the sweet life. The American Dream. Until one day while you are downloading music illegally, the music Nazis come crashing through your windows, yelling unrecognizable things at you. You never learned German because you thought it was a poopy language. Now you wish things were different, until you realize that they aren’t screaming, they are moaning, and they aren’t music Nazis, they are zombie Nazis. What do you do?

What you should do:
Zombie Nazis are just like any other zombies, so you should go about business as usual. If you can, secure the house against attack ahead of time so that this isn’t an issue. However, since it is obviously an issue now, you have to deal with it.

If you can, secure the house now so that you can build some fortifications in the future. If there are only a couple of zombies, quickly dispatch them with a gun or an axe or a baseball bat if you have one. Then board up all the windows and doors and stock up on canned goods. Build a supply of ammunition and explosives so that when the time comes, you will be ready. The most important lesson about surviving a zombie invasion is longevity. All zombies will eventually decompose. You just have to last long enough.

If you can’t save the house, grab what ammunition you can get and get out as fast as possible. Try to put some distance in between you and the zombies and if you can get some ocean in between, that’s even better. Make sure you alert the authorities. They may think you are crazy, but when they get enough crazy people telling them the same thing, they will start doing something about it.

What I would do:
Well, I think we all know that my home is my sanctuary. Not only is it outfitted to survive a zombie invasion, it is well equipped to save as many as three hundred other people. I would dispatch the zooks in record time because all of my windows have a special gating system in place where one inch solid steel spikes rush down, barring the windows from attackers. If someone should be stuck in the window, they won’t live too long. I’ve got a similar mechanism on the doors, but they are a bit tricky. Don’t ever come in my house unannounced.

Once the zombies are dead, I hit the alarm. It is similar to the tornado alert system that every town should have except that mine is louder and says, “I just killed some zombies. Get the fuck inside!!!” Once that is going and I feel that the town has had its warning, I gather some survivors that share my party line and lock the place down. I can get people inside once I’ve locked down, but it is harder to do than licensing a car in Europe. There are a lot of questions to be answered and a complete physical done by me to ensure that there are no bites. Then we wait until the zombies have perished and see how much of the world is left in the wake.

Scenario:
It’s been four weeks since the last time you did laundry, and unlike your moral fiber, your clothes can’t help but get a little dirty.  Twice, since you were desperate.  And a few things a few more times.  Now its time for the great cleansing.  You take your baskets of clothes down to your basement, where the laundry machines are, and start sorting the clothes.  You’re about to turn on the washing machine when you see pale feet start shuffling past your basement windows.  Then you hear a crash as something comes through the windows and doors upstairs.  Soon you can hear them moving throughout the house.  God damn zombies, can’t leave a man alone.  What do you do?

What you should do:
Stop worrying about dirty clothes, because now dirt is good enough for everyone who’s still alive.  You have two general escape routes, either the windows that are small and near the basement ceiling, or the stairs up and out of the house.  Of course, this would be easy if every house had a secret exit built in to the foundation and surrounding grounds, but so far the local governments have had deaf ears for my calls to revise the building codes.  Still, if I were you, which I’m not, but if I were, I would put in another exit.  And keep it secret; keep it safe.

Sadly, you did not anticipate the zombie invasion so soon that you would need to completely rework the foundation of your home in the short time you’d lived there.  Alas, now you are trapped in the basement, and all of your arsenal for zombie destruction is in the living room.  There’s no telling how many zombies there are between you and those sweet justice sticks, but one thing you can do is quietly estimate how many zombies there might be from the sound of their shambling.  Once you have an idea, you’ll know what you’re facing.

Now, I wouldn’t recommend trying to escape out the basement windows.  If you’re anything like me, you’re no cat.  Climbing out of a window that high, not to mention a window that small, would be neither quick nor pretty.  In the time you’re struggling to get up and out, you might attract a dozen zombies ready to eat your face.  So, you’re going to need to take the stairs, which means you’ll also need a diversion.

First, wrap some extra clothes around your arms, hands, neck, and legs.  That will help keep any surprise zombies from taking you out of the game early.  Next, determine where the furthest room is from that basement door.  Hopefully there won’t be any zombies there yet, but whatever, zombies are dumb.  Then, once you have yourself together, start slamming into the basement ceiling.  The dumb zombies will think that there’s someone stomping the floor in the back room and will naturally shamble that direction.

Try to listen after a rapid burst of hits to see if you’ve successfully distracted the zombies.  If not, bang a few more times and then listen some more.  Once the zombies have started to move away from the stairway door, quietly and quickly work your way up the stairs, then crack open the door.  If the coast is clear, decide if you should make an exit or make a run for those zombie killing weapons.  Either way, best of luck to you.

What I would do:
What, you don’t line your house with explosives?  I remember thinking when I installed them that it seemed a pretty standard practice.  At the time, I was having a bit of a crazy time in my life, what with changing jobs and locations and getting new restraining orders, so there was a little tension amongst those who realized I had enough construction grade dynamite to destroy the neighborhood.  Fortunately dynamite is relatively stable when it’s fresh, so all of my hammering and juggling practice didn’t lead to some things happening that I would maybe have regretted.  Now, if you ever saw my house, you’d never know that there were crates and crates of dynamite tucked into the walls.  Well, all I can say is that it helps me sleep better at night.

So where am I going with all of this?  Restraining orders, that’s where.  They don’t really work because they were designed by rational, civil people to protect someone from irrational, crazy type people.  Consequently, the whole idea is fundamentally flawed, and if there’s one thing a zombie isn’t, it’s civil.  Or rational.  Just like zombies, crazy type people will shamble right through that restraining order to kill you.  Even the idea of zombies is a little irrational, which is why you have to be a little crazy to out-do them.

Actually, I think I did lose my train of thought.  Nevertheless, let’s just assume that if I’ve run out of clean clothes, there’s a pretty good chance that I’ve left a few guns in the back pocket of some pants.  Combine those few bullets with the placement of dynamite, and you’ll soon realize there was a plan to all this madness.  I would use the guns to actually shoot some of the dynamite, which would, of course, blow up on account of the sweating nitro-glycerine steadily losing stability.  Since this would undoubtedly cause a chain reaction with the other dynamite, the whole house would likely be destroyed in a massive fireball and something of a crater.  Anticipating this, I would crawl into the washing machine before I fired, so that I would be protected from the blast.  (I have it on good account that one can survive a nuclear explosion in a fridge, so this should work just fine for a much smaller explosion).

I didn’t really like that house anyway.