We Hate Zombies

This is the second posting in a new segment to the blog that applies our expertise in survival and zombie destruction to zombie games found lurking throughout the web. There are times when we become so enraged by the thought of zombies (because we hate em so much) that we have to find some sort of outlet, and there’s no better way to take out zombie-rage like playing a good game (with alcohol and a loaded gun). Also, zombie games usually involve killing zombies, and that’s good practice. Thing is, some of them suck and we end up breaking something, so listen to us as we share which games we think are great and which wouldn’t stop the rage if they injected you with a Valium cocktail.

—————

Title: ZombieHole (click to play)
Style: Aerial Explorer
Source: ArcadeBombs.com

In this game, someone somewhere let’s loose a chamber full of zombies that were apparently locked up for some reason instead of being killed.  I’m not sure why someone would lock up zombies instead of killing them, unless they happened to hate someone else more than they hated zombies and wanted to feed said person to said zombies.  I don’t know, I don’t understand, let’s move on.  The zombies that were released start to roam around eating people and making more zombies, as those zombie bastards have been known to do.  You play some bad ass wearing sun glasses at night that has some sort of infatuation with a guy known as ‘The Professor.’  Your first quest, at least, is to save this guy, then maybe bone him.

Let’s get the good stuff out of the way first, because this game is mostly full of bad stuff.  When you’re playing the game, you get to wander around, and it turns out the game actually looks pretty good.  The player and the zombies are animated and when you shoot a zombie, there is actually blood splatter in the direction of the bullets.  I think that’s a great feat for whoever designed the game.  The sound is decently not annoying, which is a plus, but there’s no orchestra in this game.  The dialog in the game is strictly on-screen captions, which is good because there’d be no better way to capture such legendary lines as “ok…ready to war baby!” or “so many stone on the street…arrg!” in any spoken tongue that I know of.

Something that’s even cooler than blood splatter is the fact that zombies can be dismembered before they die, occasionally losing a head or arm or leg or some unidentified internal organ.  I like playing with my prey when it’s a zombie.  But perhaps my favorite thing about this game is that the screen shakes when you shoot a weapon; while it might get annoying after a while, it really feels like my bullets pack a punch when the kick back alters my entire perception of reality.  Cool.

Now the bad parts.  Maybe it’s my piece of shit computer, maybe it’s the latest version of Flash, but this game ran really slow for me.  In fact, at the end of the second level it ran so slow that I had to quit, drive to the library, kick a homeless man off his pay-for-porn site, and try it again.  It was so painfully slow that I no longer had fun shooting zombies, which brings me to another point.

It takes a lot of shots to kill a zombie, and if you knock its head off it still attacks you, like murdering the brain doesn’t kill the beast.  That’s fine with a pistol, taking three shots for each of the twenty or so zombies in each level makes sense because you have to start somewhere, but you get a shotgun in the first level and it takes two shots to kill one zombie.  Two-fucking-shots.  What the hell?  My shotgun doesn’t do that.  My shotgun destroys with enough overkill to slaughter a bison, sometimes without me even pulling the trigger.  Well, maybe it would be understandable if those two shots had a wide range or went through the initial target, but they didn’t.  They stopped there, on that first zombie, and totally pissed me off.

Well, whatever, there are better guns later in the game.  Except that the zombies kick your ass when they touch you (as they should), and when you die your body explodes and you have to start completely over at the beginning of the game.  Except from the body exploding, it’s true that there are no restarts in life, and it only takes one bite to spell your doom, but come on.  This is a freaking game for fun and enjoyment, and I would never walk around with a sawed-off turd running blindly into rooms surrounded by zombie teeth.  I never made it past the third level, but if you do, let me know if there’s something worth-while.  (Like a better gun).

Game Score:

Graphics:		4
Sound:		2.5
Fun Factor:		1
Satisfaction:		-1
Total:

Rating (Overall Rating: 3 out of 5)
You need to be a registered member to rate this post.

 Loading ...

This entry was written by Matt and posted on Wednesday, July 9th, 2008 at 6:00 am and is filed under Survival, Zombie Game Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.