We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
You’re in the back yard, listening to the sizzling of the steaks on the grill. The fence around the backyard is sturdy and full of wood. This can mean only one thing. LAWN DARTS!!!! Hell, if those bastard police can’t see you, it ain’t illegal. One rousing game of lawn darts after the other leads to a dead squirrel and two dirty lawn darts. Is that wrong? No. But you know what is? That zombie that just crashed through the fence. What do you do?

What you should do:
Well, considering the fact that being heavily armed and owning a lawn mower is old hat, you’ve got something new to bring to the party. Of course, this isn’t the normal party where you make out with someone in a closet for seven minutes, simulating life after death in an effort to get some action. This is a party where everyone is there to destroy zombies and only fun can be had by doing it.

Luckily, just in case you were going to make out with someone for seven minutes, you brought a tooth brush to stay fresh. As it turns out, zombies hate tooth brushes. Especially if they are lodged in their skulls. Blizzaam. Now, not only do you have a zombie to torture and destroy, but you have a zombie with a tooth brush lodged in its skull, teaching all zombies a lesson. There is not a place in a party for zombies and we aren’t afraid of becoming savage beasts to keep it that way. Hell, I didn’t even have to roll the dice to tell you that my plus 10 toothbrush was going to obliterate the zombie.

What I would do:
Well, obviously I have some lawn darts. Do you know what that means? I have a six pack of beer… in my stomach. Oh lord I feel the buzz and nothing feels better for a buzz than killing some dirty, stinking zombies. And the best way to do it?

With my eight foot long blow dart gun that I stole from an African kid with AIDS. He didn’t have anything in the world but that blow dart gun, but I figured the kid had AIDS and didn’t need to have anything in the world because he had AIDS and that was going to take anything anyway so I relieved him of it. He cried but as Jack Handey once said, “That’s how his people are.”

I used the blow darts to stun the poisonous tree frog that is super poisonous in a poisonous way. Now, knowing that zombies are only subhuman, I added to the poison that I collected from the poisonous tree frog a special toxin that I call love. God how I love to watch a zombie carcass burn. Does that make me insane? No? Good. Does knowing that they used to be human make me insane when I enjoy it even more because of it? Oh, damn.

Scenario:
You’re grilling some nice cuts of steak over a flaming pile of burning carbon emissions, and boy does it smell good. Still, it’s damn hot outside, so you sip your cold beer and wipe the sweat off your forehead, congratulating yourself on being an upstanding leader of the family, taking a hit for the team, bringing home the bacon. Then a white hand flops over the edge of your fence. Then a second one, and you hear the tell-tale signs of grunting. Groaning. A head starts to appear as the body begins to pull itself up. And then the fence falls over and the zombie lands on its face…in your yard. What do you do?

What you should do:
Let’s be dead serious: the contents of that grill are number one. You wouldn’t let a dog jump up and steal your steak, so why let a zombie? Sure, maybe the cooking raw meat attracted the zombie, but it might have also been attracted by a deep sense of shame and hatred of all things living. In the end, the only thing that matters is dinner, and you don’t see zombies slaving all day to make you a cupcake, do you?¹

Fortunately, you’re practically armed to the teeth for a backyard invasion, and the zombie is already on the ground smelling the dirt. Take the opportunity to grab a grilling skewer and enjoy each kabob on that shish, you’ve earned it. Then crush your beer and throw it over your back, because saving the environment is for people who aren’t busy killing zombies, and that’s not you. Use your suddenly free hands to launch an assault.

The zombie will be extremely vulnerable when it tries to get back on its feet. Since zombies have horrible coordination, the zombie will be using both hands to right itself. This means safety for you and a weak spot for the dead dude. If you have some nice garden stones or patio bricks, use them to savagely brain the exhibit on display. If that’s not a possibility, grab the aforementioned skewer and slide it through the zombie’s eye. Be careful with your aim and watch for sudden movements as this maneuver could potentially be dangerous.

If the zombie crawls towards you instead of getting up, feel free to still use the blunt instruments. Sure, you can always escape into your house to find a more suitable weapon, just be sure to take the meat with you. There’s no need risking a fine supper when you’ve got time on your hands.

What I would do:
My backyard happens to be conveniently located behind my house, and part of my house includes the garage. It just so happens that in my garage is a lawnmower, and lawnmowers happen to have spinning blades. Giddyup, my boy! Giddyup.

So you get the idea. From there it’s just messy. Really messy. If you’ve seen Dead Alive, you’ll know how messy things can get. Of course, I’ll be using a mower with a bit more horsepower because this isn’t a game, and this isn’t a movie. You can’t just mow through skull with any spinning blade. You need high quality, sharpened American steel, powered by combustion fueled with nature’s dreams. I’d have that zombie splattered across a small section of the yard in no time, at which point I would use my lighter fluid and fire to sanitize the grass before getting another beer. Hooray for beer!²

¹ Say no, move on.
² I secretly spike my beer with tequila.

Title: Zombie Horde 2 (click to play)
Style: Top Down Third Person
Source: CrazyMonkeyGames.com

Ahh, sequels.  You can smell them coming in and you can smell them going out.  They all are ambitious by trying new things and they all fail to meet our expectations because these new additions always fuck up anything that was good about the original.  And what’s worse, half of the time the new additions don’t work properly making it even more a pain in the ass and making me wish that much more that I was playing the original.  And then I do.

No longer are you the scientist that is smart enough to create zombie and dumb enough to think that you can hide from them in the forest.  You are now a soldier (I assume) that is in charge of staying alive/protecting packages/protecting scientists.  Gone are the realistic days of protecting your fort.  Now you have life and not only do zombies not kill on first contact, but you can heal yourself.  WTF!?!?!?!?

Further more, the upgrading system is completely different, including upgrades to your defenses (including turrets and cement?) which are more or less a pain in the ass.  Hell, I couldn’t even figure out how to arm myself with the new weapon I just paid 5k for.  What is up with that??  Besides that, I couldn’t get any turrets for some reason and I wanted to shoot those lame scientists that I was supposed to protect.  All they ever did was stand in the way and not move. Why are they so important anyway?

The graphics were much better than the first installment but the zombies were less lifelike.  Instead of getting up after being shot once or twice, they went down after 2 shots, everytime.  This was both good and bad.  It was bad because zombies are not predictable, besides the fact that they will always try to eat you.  It was good in that it took away some of the annoying part of number one.  Shoot the son-of-a-bitch twice and he is gone.  The sound was nonexistent, which in this case is good.  The fun factor was slightly diminished by the fact that I couldn’t upgrade my guns due to an error of some sort (I might just be dumb).  Would I recommend it to someone who is bored?  Yes.  Would I play it again?  Probably not.  I’ve got games like Bonesnap Blvd to waste time with.

Game Score:

Graphics:		3
Sound:		4
Fun Factor:		3
Satisfaction:		2
Total:

There isn’t a whole lot to report except there still aren’t any zombies.  You guys get all the credit for your constant vigilance and efforts.  Good job!

But let’s talk business now.  You might notice that every post, like this one, now has a bunch of stars at the bottom with some words.  Do not be alarmed.  That’s just the new rating system.  You can now rate every post we put up, but to do so you have to be a registered user.  If that comes as a surprise, surprise!  As you might have missed, there’s now a register link on the right nav column that will let you sign up as a user of this blog.  Once done you’ll be able to login, vote, customize your profile, whatever.

The other major addition is the new “Submit a Scenario” form we added under pages.  Feel free to use that form for sending us the scenarios you want us to tutorialize.  Sure, you could also use it to just send us a message, but the idea is for scenarios.  I guess if people start to abuse it we’ll instigate an intensive, extensive test of one’s determination to submit such spam before doing so will be allowed.  Hopefully it doesn’t come to that.

So, sign up, vote, submit scenarios, enjoy!

Scenario:
You’re a troubled teen leading a troubled life heading toward a troubled climax.  You’ve managed to get your fix for the night and now you’re looking for a home to settle down in to take advantage of the miracle in your back pocket. Cardboard box after cardboard box, you search for someplace uninhabited but strike out.  A dark alley and a newspaper will have to be your home tonight.  As you are about to escape into Pleasure Town, a zombie saunters out of the shadows.  What do you do?

What you should do:
You now have a choice unlike any you’ve ever had before: the red pill or the blue pill?  If you take the blue pill, you’ll slide into a state of ecstasy and emerge in Pleasure Town for the remainder of your days (which may not be very long at all).  Taking the blue pill is simple, clean, and an easy way out of this world.  The drawback to the blue pill is that when that is all over, you have to endure an eternity in hell after I wipe your stinking zombie corpse off the face of this Earth.

The red pill does not take you to Pleasure Town nor does it include ecstasy.  You will remain in the alley until you either escape the zombie and find help from someone who can obliterate it, or you will spend an eternity in hell after I wipe your stinking zombie corpse off of the face of this planet.  Now that I’ve talked it through, the red pill seems like a drag.

Obviously, you should take the red pill and choose to not do drugs.  It gives you a chance to live and amend the wrongs you’ve done.  It also allows you to save the world by eliminating the zombie threat or finding someone who can.  The blue pill is the cowards way out, even if it is the easier of the two.  And don’t go blaming “the addiction.”

What I would do:
Instead of wandering the streets looking for a place to smoke crack, I would be wandering the streets looking for a place to smoke zombies.  If I was lucky enough to find my fix, I would rid the planet immediately by stuffing a pair of socks in my pants.  That mixed in with the real deal down town would literally blow the mind of any zombie right out of its eye sockets.  Then I would resume the strut I always walk down the street with, singing the song I always sing while walking down the street: Staying Alive.