We Hate Zombies

Scenario:
It’s Thursday and you’ve been dreaming of fried chicken all week. Your refrigerator is empty, especially of fried chicken, but also of other things you might be able to substitute for fried chicken, like fried turkey. The only answer? Wal-Mart, with their delicious buckets of fried chicken, not sold everywhere, but sold somewhere, and it’s a very delicious somewhere. Now you’re there, with over two pounds of hot chicken in a convenient bucket, wandering the aisles of food and beverage, munching on chicken poppers and barbecued boneless wings. It’s heaven. You start to throw back a gallon of milk you haven’t paid for when you hear screaming coming from the front. Goddamn zombies just won’t leave a man alone, chicken or not. What do you do?

What you should do:
Luckily, you’re at Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, you’re at Wal-Mart. If you don’t know what Wal-Mart is or what they have, I don’t really know where you’ve been or why I’m “talking” to you.¹ But, since you’re here, Wal-Mart sells just about everything, and dirt cheap too. Everything would include guns, knives, lawn mowers, chains, and everything else you would need to build a make-shift arsenal fit to arm an army of soccer moms. The bad part is where the soccer moms come in, because soccer moms are by definition more likely to ban toys with sharp edges than pick up a gun and defend their livelihood.

No, soccer moms will be what makes this scenario dangerous. They’re going to try and help the apparent victim, and they will lose fingers and scream and probably cry a lot. Then they will be infected. Of those that aren’t out-right infected by a misplaced gesture of kindness, their heads will explode as they try to grasp the zombification rocking out in front of their eyes between the racks of clearance clothes and apple sauce. People with exploded heads are useless to you.

If you can, stop people from moving toward the front. The more people you can save now, the easier it is to get back to fried chicken later. People will be curious, so make up a story about what you did or didn’t see and tell them the place is being robbed. Tell them you need to “Take America Back!” and lead them toward the hardware section. Grab rakes and shovels, grab chains, lighter fluid, a box of matches, and motor oil, then head over to the sports section to load up on guns and ammo. Employees might try to stop you; you don’t have time to shoot craps with employees, so take ‘em out if you can’t take ‘em with you.

Do not try and hunt zombies throughout the store. With so many corners, so many blind spots, it’d be the dumbest thing you could do. Instead, you’re going to lay a trap. Hopefully you have some help with you at this point, and hopefully their heads haven’t exploded because I’m sure people are starting to see that dead people aren’t quite dead yet. Use the guns to cover your ass while you rope off the end of an aisle with the chains. Make it hard to get through, but not so hard it’d hold you back. Post some gunners behind the chains to cover the escape route.

Pour the motor oil out on the floor near the opening of the aisle; then become the bait and attract attention. When the zombies come slipping and sliding toward you, slip out through the chains, leaving the zombies snared in your trap. That’s when you set fire to the whole place and watch the make-shift oven cook up a meal for the vultures. End it all by grabbing your fried chicken and booking it out the door.

What I would do:
Another thing Wal-Mart has is disabled people, and disabled people need motorized wheel-chairs to shop (of course!). Also, did I mention Wal-Mart sells lawn-mowers? I’m sure you can see where I’m headed with this. I’d scissor-kick a passenger out of his seat and jack the nearest powered wheel-chair, then speed off toward the Outdoors section. Grabbing the biggest lawn-mower on the shelves, I’d attached it to the front of my cart, blade out. I’d top it all off with a clear plastic tarp to act as a blood-shield, then drive leisurely around the store, literally mowing down the weeds encroaching upon the vibrant blood of humanity. Would it be messy? Oh hell yes; there would be more gore than watching Dead-Alive on an IMAX movie screen, and it would be awesome.

Of course, with blood and guts, you just can’t rinse that stuff off. Some people have pointed out my penchant for burning things, but we should let facts speak for themselves. “The best way to eradicate infectious blood and guts is to burn it away,” said The Facts. And you don’t argue with The Facts. Here’s another one. I once met Chuck Norris and immediately engaged him in an impromptu staring contest. The rise in man-heat melted the pavement, but through the thinly veiled sexual overtones, Chuck and I stared at each other for 40 days and 40 nights, upon which he clapped me on the shoulder and said, “You’re a tough son of a bitch.” Not wanting to admit defeat, we each started walking backward until the other was out of sight.² I haven’t blinked since because I know that somewhere, Chuck is waiting.

¹ See the quotes around ‘talking’? It’s because I’m not actually in the your room holding your hand through this scenario. I just wanted to be accurate, just in case you were confused.
² It has been reported that Chuck Norris has 20/0.025 vision. Before I was out of sight, he had to walk so far backward that he crossed an ocean. He’s listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the only man to surpass both Michael Jackson and Jesus by moonwalking across the Atlantic ocean.

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This entry was written by Matt and posted on Monday, June 30th, 2008 at 6:38 am and is filed under 2-Star Threat Level, Survival. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.